Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I was invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society’s Dinner. I asked what the dress code was and told to just come in my pants.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Reminder: If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.

These days I think a lot about the hereafter,I go to places in the house and then think what am I "here after"!

Choose the discomfort of discipline over the pain of regret.
Regret costs too much.

I was helping my dad with construction, he told me to get the hammer, but I accidentally gave him the drill. He said I could have nailed it, but I screwed up.

I was in a liquor store and the owner asked me: Do you need help? I said: Yes, but I’ll have a bottle of whisky instead.

I was gonna ask which Nirvana album was the best but then I thought.... Nevermind.

«У России только два союзника: шарфик и табакерка»

My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds a nice guy.

I've donated my sperm to the lesbian couple across the road and I'm sure the baby will be special.
It is hand made after all.

I’m in prison for something I didn’t do. I didn’t get away with it.

If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship.
Blame her and her mother.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

I was gonna throw all my socks away,
.
but I got cold feet.

I'm working on making my 2nd million dollars. I gave up on the 1st million.

Although training for marathons is very, VERY grueling, it DEFINITELY pays off in the..long run.

I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have some company.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

-Cariño, siempre te quedas dormida cuando hacemos el amor.
-Eso es porque confio en tí.

You won't have to pee after sex if you pee during it.

Is American pi different from regular pi? Asking for my circle of friends.

Change is hard.
Ever tried to bend a coin?

If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.

— Сарочка, ви давно курите?
— Изя, 25 лет...
— Вы в 5 начали?
— Вообще-то мне 42...
— Прекрасно выглядите!
— А это уже алкоголь, Изечка!

If u need money or any financial help, feel free to text me, we’ll beg together.

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought: Wow this is ledge n dairy.

Just finished designing a website for an orphanage.
There isn't a home Page.

I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.

My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.

— Boston, tenemos un problema.
— Se dice Houston.
— Boston, tenemos un Houston.

I like my women like my toilet seats: clean (and the kind that go down easy)

FUN Fact:
Brad Pitt is related to Barack Obama. They are ninth cousins.

I was asked to leave Dennys after asking if the farmers omelet contained real farmers...

—Camarero, este vino está picado.
—Algo le habrás dicho.

I was asked in a interview, describe your life in a nutshell...
Well its very dark and cramped.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Doctor, ¿cómo está mi marido?
-Bien. Ha pasado a planta.
-¿Y cada cuánto hay que regarla?

Soy dinerosexual.

I was asked to go out by 4 girls today! Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom.

Мне не нужна религия, у меня есть совесть.

English is difficult to learn. Sometimes, opposite words mean the same! A 'slim chance' and a 'fat chance' have the same meaning!

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Guide: Every floor of this museum has an amazing picture painted on the wall.

Visitor: So you’re saying there’s a mural to every story?

"Baby, you're like a dwarf star. Extremely hot but not very bright."

That awkward moment, when people ask: Are you a couple? And you look at each other and wait who's going to answer first.

—Te conservas muy bien; ¿cuál es tu truco?
—No quitarme el pijama.

Me: I feel constantly tired.

Anxiety: It's probably a terminal illness.

Reality: It's called being an adult.

FUN Fact:
Laughing lowers stress hormones and strengthens the immune system by releasing health-enhancing hormones.

People stay miserable because they focus on their entitlements and ignore their blessings.

I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.

Unfortunately, she blew it.

How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.

Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I just remind myself that I'm a "Valued Customer" at several grocery stores!!!

I wanted to post a walkie-talkie joke, but I need to think it, over.

I have a perfect understanding with my wife... I don't try to run her life, and I also don't try to run mine!

Шутка должна быть как женское бельё — тонкая, прозрачная, короткая. И желательно свежая.

Her: Can you stop yawning when I'm talking to you?

Him: I'm not yawning, I'm trying to say something!

-Hola, ¿Sexo telefónico?
-No, esto es la agencis tributaria, pero también podemos joderte.

I really want to change the world but like I also want to lie down.

I want to buy a pillow made with 100% goose feathers

I hope I can afford the down payment...

- Добрый день! А Розу можно?
- Таки вже нет, она переехала.
- Ой, вейзмир! А кого?

Which language does God code in?

C

Because God Cs everything.

—Papá, ¿te avergüenzas de mí?
—Te he dicho que en público no me llames papá.

—No voy a permitir más que tu hermana y tú me llaméis secuestrador.
—No me metas en el mismo saco.

—Buenas, venía a registrar a mi hijo.
—Hola, ¿cómo quiere llamarle?
—No sé, dígame un nombre usted.
—Yo no estoy aquí para eso.
—Demasiado largo, otro.

I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Im dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

In the spirit of compromise, let's just agree that you're a dumbass.

A guy came up to me in the library & asked “ do you have a bookmark “ I said “ yes hundreds, but my name is Ed “

Her: I love a man that’s good with his fingers

Me: wanna watch me count to ten?

I walked into a bank, pointed a long, thin piece of wood at the ceiling and shouted: This is a stick up!

FUN Fact:
Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Из двух зол мужчины выбирают погрудастей.

My wife bought me a new garden spade (so now I'll finally have a place to put my foot down)!

That awkward moment when your kindness is mistaken with flirting.

It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

Avoiding drama is simple.

Just hang out with smarter people.

“The past is never dead. It's not even past.”
William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun.

It's raining cats and dogs...
We should not have stored all our C4 in the animal shelter...

I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point.

That awkward moment when you wave and smile at someone but they don't see you.