Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Some people wonder why I never comment or like their posts... they don't realize it's because I unfollowed them a long time ago!

If you're really, really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.

I got a tattoo from a temporary tattoo parlor. It's been over a month and the tattoo is still there.
When I went back to complain, the place was gone.

Поймал как–то мужик золотую рыбку. Рыбка, разумеется, оказалась говорящей.
–Отпусти меня, мужик, я тебе три желания исполню!
Мужик почесал репу и отвечает.
–Итак, слушай сюда. Желание первое — рыбка не может причинить вред человеку или своим бездействием допустить, чтобы человеку был причинён вред.

I’m no magician but I once turned a back rub into two kids and a mortgage.

Coffee is the answer.. I do not care about the question.

I'm saving up for a rainy day. So far, I've got an Umbrella and a Poncho.

"What's your new baby brother's name?"
"I don't know. I can't understand a word he says."

FUN Fact:
In 1984, New Zealand's Prime Minister Robert Muldoon got drunk and spontaneously called for a general election - he lost.

"Have you ever had your portrait done?"

"No, but the other day I had my blood drawn."

Money is just a tool to buy time.

Switched from eating wild boar to venison.
.
An absolute game changer.

Psychology says, break your people-pleasing habit before it breaks you.

Why are people who do origami bad at poker?
They just fold all the time...

- Что можно подарить и в то же время оставить у себя?
- Любую венерическую болезнь, например...

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I mismatch his socks.

“Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.”

― Frank Zappa

What do you call boobs on a ghost?
Nothing. Just a paranormal boobs.

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

“Dad, have you ever been on a blind date?”
“No, but I once attended a Stevie Wonder concert.”

I'm reading a book called 'There's a hole in my bucket!'
By Lee King.

- Розочка, вы меня любите?
- Нет.
- Как это "Нет"?
- Это как "Да", только наоборот.

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

WTF is a Jonathan , you either John or Nathan , you can't be both.

I once followed the sine to trigonometry island cos I wanted a tan....

FUN Fact:
You're more likely to be killed by a vending machine related accident than to win the lottery.

He died doing what he loved, waking me up from a nap.

I like to watch F5, it’s like F1 but more refreshing.

I saw a sign in the hardware store that said, "cast iron sinks."
I had to agree.

"What dat ass do?"
- when your proctologist is a bit more gansta than you're comfortable with.

I don't trip or stumble. Never have. I do what's called "random gravity checks." All good today so far.

I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.

They said that if my tents get blown away, I won’t be covered.

My mattress is getting pretty worn out -- I really should spring for a new one.

MARKETING QUESTION
Do soap manufacturers have more success targeting those who are dirt poor or filthy rich?

Belief in yourself is overrated. Generate evidence.

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered.
They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins.

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that its perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but hes still making fun of me.

"I almost wish I hadn’t gone down the rabbit hole–and yet–and yet–it’s rather curious, you know, this sort of life!"
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
Lewis Carroll

—¿Nivel de inglés?
—Alto.
—Traduzca "pájaro".
—Bird.
—Úselo en una frase.
—Hapy bird day to you, hapy bird day to you!
—¡Contratado!

Все было в общем-то неплохо, пока не стали улучшать.

That awkward moment when you change your facebook status to SINGLE and your ex likes it.

It doesn’t matter how the cookie crumbles, as long as it tastes good.

The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.

That awkward moment when you accidentally answer a call you were trying to ignore.

I took my car in for a service the other day it is still stuck inside the church doors.

Shouldn't kids suffering from ADHD be sent to Concentration Camps?

I'm watching Jaws.
I shouldn't really call her that, but she never shuts her fucking mouth.

Are you sure we're not allowed to hit stupid people ?

When you're not their cup of tea but you see them drinking all the other teas.

— Моня! Всё кончено! Я ухожу от тебя!
— Софа, а давай приляжем на дорожку?

"Does your new boyfriend dress like a gentleman?"

"I don't know, I haven't seen him dress."

Mick Jagger has formed a new band which only play songs inspired by Harry Potter. They’re called The Rowling Stones.

A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road”.

I told my wife that a husband ages like wine. We get better with age. Then she locked me in the cellar.

I told my psychiatrist I felt like a dog. He told me to get off the couch.

"For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I told my friend about my boating accident.
He asked me if l was in the boat when the boat tipped over.
I told him no, l was in the water...

Don't believe everything you overthink.

LIFE is like a chocolate box. Just get your own, and stay away from mine!

Hi everyone, I just want to say two things.

1. Things
2. Things

My Girlfriend keeps asking me if i'm happy with the Bed of Nails that she bought for me.
I'm not going to lie.

2 lesbian frogs. One says to the other.."gees we really do taste like chicken "

The sailors couldn't play cards.
The Captain was sitting on deck.

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change."
- Charles Darwin

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, But dad, your name is Brian. I said, I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.

— Ой, Сёма, как я рад, шо так давно тебя не видел!

And then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court. It was a...

...brief case.

I will always love you.

ˢᵒᵐᵉ ʳᵘˡᵉˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ʳᵉˢᵗʳᶦᶜᵗᶦᵒⁿˢ ᵐᵃʸ ᵃᵖᵖˡʸ

When a cop tells you to “spread ‘em” he is not flirting.
I know this now.

You should always tip your waiter

I told mine to stay in school and don't do drugs.

I tied all my spaghetti together last night when I was drunk. Today I ended up skipping dinner.

Студентка Люся выучила все билеты по логике. И стала мужиком.

I’m not bragging but I made six figures this year, I was named the year’s worst employee at the mannequin factory.

That awkward moment when I'm drunk and you're still ugly...

Woman: whisky barman

Barman: how many fingers?

Woman: let me have a few drinks first..

Happy Birthday to my wife, my lover and sweetheart. How cool is that, all of them were born on the same day!

Why did God invent orgasms for women. So they can still have a fucking moan even when they're enjoying themselves.

That awkward moment when an artist you hate releases a good song.

Platonic relationships are cool and all until someone gets horny.

Bad sex is like bad pizza or bad beer...if you can actually finish it, it's not THAT bad.