Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.

Me: Honey, let's play doctor.
My wife: OK, I'll be the doctor.
Me: OK.
Wife: You owe me $3200.

The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.

"To be normal is the ultimate aim of the unsuccessful."

- Carl Jung

How do you make a candle burn longer? You can't, they burn shorter.

Life Tip: if someone comes out of a toilet sweating, do not go in that toilet.

Dear autocorrect,
thats not what i was trying to say.

Im getting tired of ur shirt.

The economy is so bad that the Mafia is starting to lay off judges.

Повторение — мать удовлетворения.

Those who don't know browser history are doomed to re-Google it.

A Russian invasion sounds scary, but at least we'll get to hear what the Russian Beatles sound like.

- Mataría por tener tu tipo.
- Con dieta y ejercicio tú también puedes conseguirlo.
- Prefiero matar.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling.

- Алё, кто это?
- А вам кто нужен?
- Ну кто-нибудь...
- Это я.

I went to the counter at McDonalds to tell them there was something wrong with my Big Mac.

Cashier: What seems to be the issue?

I hold up the sandwich and the buns move like lips and sing: ‘Listen to the wind bloooow’

Cashier: Sorry, sir. We accidentally made you a Fleetwood Mac.

—Bienvenidos al curso para encontrar tu camino.
—¿DÓNDE ESTÁ EL BAÑO?

I'd do a Socialism joke, but I don't want to put a Marx on my back.

FUN Fact:
There's a species of fish named the "slippery dick."

I wonder what happens when the doctor's wife eats an apple a day ?

I'm not undressing you with my thoughts...
I'm just baring you in mind...

The BRAIN ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.

My search history is all stupid questions I was afraid of asking other people.

FUN Fact:
New York is the most destroyed city in movie history.

A guy checked out my ass today; he’s a gastroenterologist, but it still counts.

FUN Fact:
The word "listen" has the same letters as the word "silent".

I went into an electrical shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle?

The guy said, Kenwood?

I said, Where is he then?

Did you hear about the farsighted turtle that fell in love with an army helmet?

I went into an Apple store and farted. Everyone started glaring at me. I said: What? It’s not my fault you don’t have windows!

FUN Fact:
Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

На международном музыкальном конкурсе слабовидящий шотландский волынщик два часа дудел в бобра.

—¡Me estás llevando a la ruina!
—Claro, somos arqueólogos.
—Ah, sí, calla.

—¿Vienes esta noche a una orgía?
—¿Cuántos sois?
—De momento yo.

FUN Fact:
You're the only person who's heard everything you've ever said.

How do dog catchers get paid?
By the pound!

I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue. I was surprised.

Australians usually boo meringue...

" If you're a giver, remember to learn your limits. Because the takers don't have any..."

My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

In Ancient Egypt, many children were confused when their daddy became a mummy...

I shot the sheriff but I did not kill the radio star.

Я узнал, что такое большие деньги, когда купил увеличительное стекло.

Old rotary phones were much better equipped to handle drama.

My favourite time of the day is anytime the liquor store isn’t closed.

Went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist. They played jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen... got kicked out after that one.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

"Quality is not an act, it is a habit."
• Aristotle

- А знаете ли Ви, Давид Маркович, шо женщины тратят таки на свою косметику больше, чем страна на вооружение?
- Таки да… Но они и побед больше одерживают!

Me: I'd like to open one of those joint accounts please.
Bank: With whom?
Me: Whomever has lots of money.

I was terrible at spelling when I was at school.
Brilliant at jografy though.

Nobody is perfect.
The trick is picking the imperfections you can live with.

Snow White. Can't say fairer than that.

We are expecting such a cold Winter, the Squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual.
So far, 3 of my relatives have disappeared.

I was telling a joke and sneezed, everyone thought that was the joke!
.
but it snot...

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep...

I was such an unlikeable child that even my imaginary friend talked about me behind my back.

- Мань, представляешь... У Федьки член прямо железный!
- Да ты что?!
- Да! На морозе лизнула - язык прилип!

The awkward moment when you answer a question that was supposed to be rhetorical.

I have a joke about NFTs but it's ridiculously overrated.

“𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘪𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘺,
𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘺.”

—𝘌𝘥𝘨𝘢𝘳 𝘈𝘭𝘭𝘢𝘯 𝘗𝘰𝘦

Loads of holidaymakers visit Alcatraz and are duped into buying souvenir handcuffs as it's a two wrist trap.

What do undertakers like playing?
Casketball.

If a vegetarian starts eating meat, do they lose their veg-inity?

Orgasms are important.
Otherwise people wouldn't know when to stop screwing eachother.

Priest to begger: I think you beg because you are just too lazy to find a job.
Beggar: I beg to differ.

—Vengo en son de paz.
—¿Y ese palo?
—Por si acaso.

—Quiero pasar el resto de mi vida junto a ti.
—Entonces no lo llames vida.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume.

me: yes that's when i didn't have a job.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, television, and tell a woman.

I was on the toilet, angry, and late for work. I thought, I don’t have time for this shit.

I just dropped a box of berries on my foot,
now I cranberry walk.

I was picking up dog poo in the park this morning and thought to myself...
I should really get a dog.

QUESTION: Why is there no letter "w" in the word "one", but there is a "w" in the word "two" and we don't use it?

I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It's called:

"Leave me the fuh cologne."

Have you ever visited friends and turned the toilet paper around?

Which wine pairs best with telling my coworkers to fuck off ?

—Doctor, ¿cómo sabe que es cáncer?
—Porque nací entre el 21 de junio y el 22 de julio.
—Ah, claro.

Call me Barrack cause imma spend this valentines Obama self.

Hospital staff can be funny. They can leave you in stitches. Needle-ess to say they can be pricks. They can even have a music group: Band Aid. The cast is quite good, you can autograph them. Staff include: Tess Tube, Steph.R.Scope, Matt Rick Ingle a.k.a MRI, Dr X. Ray.

Me: What's wrong?
Wife: You're not supposed to say you have a favorite child.
Me: Everyone does secretly. Wife: Well it should at least be one of ours.

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.