Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Boss: It's a make or break situation!

Me: I'll take a break then tnx.

I had an argument with a 90° angle. It turns out it was right.

A veces me orino en la cama para sentirme más joven.

— Доктор, Вы меня раздели, осмотрели, пощупали. А почему не хотите лечить? — Видите ли, голубушка, я доктор философии.

Муж сквозь сон бормочет жене:
- Дорогая, пожалуйста, сними с меня тапочки и выключи телевизор.
- Потерпи, мой пупсик. Мы еще в театре...

I’m not a competitive person. I’m always the first to admit it.

FUN Fact:
Applying vodka on your face cleanses the skin, tightens pores and can prevent acne breakouts.

I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday. I don’t know what to make of it.

I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.

They just take the money and run!

As I sat drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, I thought to myself... I really need to buy some mugs.

Когда эзотерическая женщина действительно чего-то сильно хочет, то Вселенная посылает ей цитаты Пауло Коэльо!

I went on Amazon to buy a new vacuum cleaner. I chose one and read the reviews. Most of them said, “This product really sucks!”
Now I’m confused.

FUN Fact:
Avocados are toxic to almost every other animal except humans.

¿Si Dora la exploradora y Batman tuvieran una hija como le llamarían? Batidora JAJAJA Entiendes?
Bati-Dora.

FUN Fact:
Iceland's population is so small that an Icelandic company has created an anti-incest app to prevent Icelanders from dating their relatives.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

When bees move into a new hive do they have a house-swarming party?

Fine, she said.
Murder, she wrote.

Enjoy life today, because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is never promised.

My sex tape consists of the duct tape I use to keep my vibrator together.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family.
My kids liked her, but my wife wasn't impressed.

Meatless meatballs are vegetaballs.

Многие женщины мечтают о рыцарях и действительно получают агрессивных плохо одетых мужчин, которые пахнут конём.

There are two types of people in the world. Those with a short attention span and, look over there… it’s a plane!

- Was I right to take in this cannibal as a lodger?
- Hmm .. that's a tough decision.
- I know, it's been eating away at me all day.

Девушки классифицируются от 0 до 180. То есть градус, на который готов повернуть ради неё голову.

Some walks you have to take alone.

Why was the cell phone wearing its glasses?
It lost its contacts.

Chuck Norris won a marathon while sleepwalking.

If you cant fix it with a hammer - you got an electric problem.

I just finished reading Great Expectations.
It wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be.

Relationship Status: buys myself Valentine's candy and eats it.

The only one who ever got anything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

I'm jealous of my parents...
I'll never have a kid as cool as them.

I'm sorry sir, your ex-wife was pronounced dead.

I cant belive i've been pronouncing it wrong all this time!

Каждой твари - по харе !

-Cariño, lo he pasado muy bien.
-Yo también.
-Necesito que me digas algo que haga que nunca me olvide de esta noche.
-Mi abuela murió en esta cama.

Hans "It's often said we Germans have no sense of humour."
Klaus "Haha, isn't that funny!"
Hans "I don't know. Is it?"

My wife told me I was incapable of http://multitasking. So I got drunk and embarrassed her at the same time.

Just found out how the Red Sea got its name. Cleopatra used to swim in it…… Periodically.

— Сёма, ты совершенно бесхарактерный. Я от тебя ухожу...
— Сонечка, я с тобой!

A friend was in a band called the Powdered Potatoes. They had a smash hit.

—Eres muy optimista, sólo te he dado un like.
—¿Entonces no nos casamos?

— Estoy ansioso de que llegue el día de San Valentín.
— ¿Estás enamorado?
— Soy florista.

Prayer is like masturbation, it makes you feel good but does absolutely nothing for the person you're thinkin about.

Продавщица секс-шопа Роза Абрамовна наладила свою сексуальную жизнь, научившись залезать в резиновую женщину.

I wonder if Jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish...

FUN Fact:
Farting helps reduce high blood pressure and is good for your health.

Reincarnation is making a come back.

People who make sound while eating food must be slapped without asking why.

Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.

I tried it and my goldfish died.

FUN Fact:
The television was invented before sliced bread.

The bomb failed to ignite, and the police worked to get the suspect to surrender, but he kept “ re-fusing”.

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight.
These of course, are only round figures.

Im not drunk.

- Everyone when they’re drunk

The little old lady who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner; there were strings attached.

Разговаривают две подруги:
- Слушай, я в метро первым делом смотрю на правую руку мужчин - это уже возраст?
- Нет, возраст - это когда ты первым делом смотришь, где в вагоне свободное место.

How to establish dominance on a first date:
Change the radio station immediately after getting in your date’s vehicle.

What did the suspenders say to the pants?
What's up britches!?

I wonder if Nomads ever get angry?

"The best revenge is massive success."

• Frank Sinatra

Top Tip: If you ever find yourself being strangled to death, make the most of it and have a wank.

Под самым красивым павлиньим хвостом всегда находится самая обычная куриная жопа.

Where do math teachers go on vacation?

Times Square.

There was a strike at the bowling pin factory.

I stopped my origami classes.

There was too much paperwork.

CHUCK NORRIS BUILT ROME IN A DAY.

Me: I stand here staring into the great abyss with fear and trepidation wondering about…..

My wife: we having sex or what?

Chuck Norris first job was selling ice to Eskimos.

-Su hijo necesita refuerzos positivos para mejorar su autoestima.
-¿Has oído lo que dice tu profesora, tonto de los cojones?

-Buenos días, ¿Cómo estás?
-Hola, prefiero no contarte.
-¿Por qué?
-Porque si lo hago, luego tendré que preguntar como estás tú, y no me importa.

Thinking of changing my name to G Spot, at least i know men won't find me.

Accidentally put Viagra in my ear......now I'm hard of hearing.

Доктор пациенту:
- Не волнуйтесь, эрекция при массаже простаты - это нормально.
- Но у меня нет эрекции!
- Да это я про себя...

“Hey, babe. How would you like a backstage pass to The Magic Flute?”

- Mozart’s favorite pickup line.

My boss: my door is always open.

(Me creeping quietly out the office toilet).

- Господа, сколько раз я просил: если играете на похоронах, то хотя бы лица делайте грустные. Лев Моисеевич, это касается Вас в первую очередь! Да, и почему Вы в ладоши хлопали?
- Я тарелки дома забыл!

Eye doctor: Your results aren't good.
Me: Can I see them?
Eye doctor: Probably not.

Scientists say it maybe possible to live on Mars.
Tried it for two months, gained a stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes.

The hardest part of a business, is minding your own.