Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I’ve learned 99% of the English language. I’m almost their.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Me wife just asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes today...She wasn't fucking happy when I came back with a push up bra.

Why do women skydivers wear jockstraps? So they don't whistle on the way down....

I’ve just deleted all the German names from my phone. Now it’s completely Hans-free.

- Папа, а почему снег под ногами хрустит?
- Это у снежинок ломаются позвоночники.

The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you're swimming and when you're angry!

Юнец: ты кончила?
Мужик: ты конченая?
Дед: тут конечная?

Two incomes are better than one so make sure he has two jobs. Follow me for more financial freedom advice.

A bit of advice please.
Is 'motherfucker' one word, or two?

It's for a Valentine's card, so I want it to be right.

My wife’s a raver and keeps trying to get me into it. She won’t techno for an answer.

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."

- Mark Twain

— ¿Hace frío en tu pueblo?
— Nos quitamos los mocos con alicates.

I am very upset my scale broke . We have been together through thick and thin.

I’ve just started working as a professional dog walker and it’s so easy.

It’s a walk in the park.

Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.

The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator.

“Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime.”

- Mineko Iwasaki

I love women's forums, because no one cares about corruption, the dollar, terrorism ... Nothing cares there if it does not cause cracks on nipples.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single, then figuring it out.

"The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled."

• Plutarch

FUN Fact:
When you see a cat, slowly blink at it. If it blinks back, the cat is content with you.

I’ve just injected steroids into my arm. Anabolic? No, just my arm.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to remind yourself of the reasons why you don’t go out of the house.

Why do meditation masters enjoy playing tennis?
Because the scores always start with love, love. The game always begins with a service. And the winner gets a cup that’s empty.

Q: Why did the meditation teacher give no change when a student paid for a meditation cushion?
A: Because change has to come from within.

A Meditation student asked his teacher, "Am I allowed to send you email?"
"Yes," replied the teacher, "But no attachments please."

A Meditation student asks their teacher how long it will take them to gain enlightenment if they practice diligently.
"Ten years," says the teacher.
"Well, how about if I really work and double my effort?"
"Twenty years."

Q: Why do mindful meditators love birthdays?

A: They love all the ‘Presents’.

Non-meditator: ‘Don’t just sit there, do something!

Meditator: ‘Don’t just do something, sit there!

Q: What do they say to start the meditation Olympics?

A: Ready…..Steady……Stop!

People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.

-¿La frutería?
-A 2 manzanas.

Chuck Norris fixed stupid...twice.

If you want flowers on February 14th just die On February 13th.

- Фима, у вас шесть яблок, половину вы отдали Зяме, сколько яблок у вас осталось?
- Пять с половиной, Софья Марковна!

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.

Chuck Norris's parachute failed to open, so he took it back for a refund!!!

I’ve been watering my herbs with leftover coffee. I love coffee thyme.

I'm really getting bored watching the History Channel... There's never anything new on.

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

• Thomas Edison

Life Rule: Never live bigger than your paycheck.

On a flight, off on holiday. The cabin crew member asked what I wanted to drink.

"water".

"Still?"

"Well, I haven't changed my mind..."

My friend would always cheat for exams by memorising any potential answer…

If u clean ur shower, you're literally ur shower's shower.

I'm not afraid to die...

I just don't want to be there when it happens...

I’ve decided to marry a pencil.
I can’t wait to introduce you all to my bride 2B.

Чтобы жена не мучилась вопросом, что купить на 23 февраля в подарок, чуткий муж специально разбил кружку.

A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.
- Paulo Coelho

It is not called a gnawjob for a reason...

Doctor: I’m just going to lightly brush you to see if there is any reaction, okay?
Me: A test tickle?
Doctor: I was thinking more like the back of your arm…

—Prueba a conocerme mejor.
—Eres idiota.
—Suficiente.

Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

Trafic policeman: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?"
Woman driver: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."

A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.
The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.
The three start to build a watchtower.
The stranger offers to take first watch.
While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!"
The husband yells back, "We're not having sex!"
Later, the stranger yells out to them again.
Again, the husband yells back and corrects him.
This happens several times during the stranger's shift.
Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower.
His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"

FUN Fact:
A person with damage to the right brain hemisphere can develop a "joke addiction," - a compulsive need to constantly make and tell jokes.

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it.

Mi novia no quería ver Titanic pero se la ice ber.

—Tienes un corazón que no te cabe en el pecho
—Gracias, doctor
—Es un grave problema médico
—Ya, pero también significa que soy...
—Vas a morir

Surprise him by stashing skittles in your bra so later when he motorboats you he can taste the rainbow.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door..

- Jajaja, mira Paco, pone aquí en el periódico que la falta de sexo produce sordera.
- Las cinco menos cuarto.

" No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. "
~ Charles Dickens

What does Jeff Bezos do before bed?

He puts his pyjamazon.

Чем старше я становлюсь, тем больше у меня увлечений, которые можно делать лёжа.

"I was a terrible kid"
- A terrible adult

Содом и Гоморра были отличными городами, а погибли из-за каких-то пидоров.

Comedians' favorite soup requires funny bones in laughingstock.

I will fuck you harder than the tax man.

~ Me flirting

—¿Hasta cuándo piensas vivir del cuento?
—Hasta que escriba otro.

—Mi mayor virtud es la paciencia.
—¿Qué?
—Joder, ¿te lo tengo que repetir?

I’m reading a book about WD-40. It’s non-friction.

Why do toadstools grow so close together in the forest?
Because in the forest there isn't mushroom.

I’m organising a charity ball next week for people who struggle to reach orgasm Just let me know if you can’t come.

Зять гинеколог - беззубой теще: — Мама, не улыбайтесь, пожалуйста! Ви мине напоминаете о работе...

He is the love of a lifetime.
It just isn't this lifetime

A liars worst enemy is someone with a good memory.

- Доктор, моя жена постоянно кашляет. Какие только лекарства не принимала, всё равно кашель не проходит.
- А травки не пробовали?
- Пробовали - хихикает, но все равно кашляет...

- Mamá mamá, en el colegio me dicen infantil.
- José Luis, castígales o algo, que eres el director.