Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Another little known fact:. The odds of being struck by a meteorite are astronomical.

Im about to have a cup of dangerous coffee.
Safe tea first though.

My resumé is just a long list of stuff I hate doing.

History is a bit sexist…

…I mean, we should be learning about herstory too.

— Хочу такой любви, чтобы, как в сказке.
— С принцем?
— Нет, с хорошим концом.

A person needs just three things to be truly happy in the world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

—Quiero llegar a tu corazón.
—Por aquí no es.

Whoever put the 'b' in subtle was a clever bastard.

My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him that I'm married now and that's where I sleep.

Me: *leaning back in my chair* work smarter not harder.
My Boss: yeah, unfortunately I think harder may be your only option.

Ругаться матом нехорошо, но называть вещи своими именами необходимо.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled...

Sex over 40 can be exciting

You never know whether it's an orgasm, a stroke or just a cramp.

Teacher: When rain falls does it ever rise again?
Student: Yes it does in dew time.

There's just ONE thing in the world that's worse than being talked about... and that's NOT being talked about.

Ignorance is not bliss.
It's just a fancy word for stupid.

Whoever is stealing my socks - at least take both of them.

Как много лишних слов. Как мало лишних денег…

I do not gossip... I pass things along... It's like a public service.

Friend: I have questions about the human body.

Me: aren’t we a little old for this?

Friend: no I’m talking about the dead one in your freezer.

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

I just got lost in thought.
It was unfamiliar territory.

- I like coffee.
- So I’m guessing you have a Nespresso?
- No. I said I like coffee.

I hate it when people just won’t let go of the past…. Debt collectors are the worst.

В стоматологии:
- Боишься?
- Не-а!
- А чё бахилы запотели?

What does a cannibal see in a pregnant woman?

A Kinder Surprise.

Dad: "I'm not asleep, I'm resting my eyes.
Me: "Hi resting my eyes... I'm son"

Он был настолько лузером, что от отчаяния даже стал вести курсы "Как максимально быстро добиться успеха".

What did O say to Q?

Dude your junks hanging out.

You know what happens when a Smurf pees on your lawn????

You end up with BLUEGRASS!

My wife was so fat when she died that the handles snapped off her coffin.

We had four weldings and a funeral.

I WAS ENGAGED TO A GIRL WITH A WOODEN LEG.

.
I GOT MAD AND BROKE IT OFF.

Drinking beer every day is healthier for you than being dead.

FUN Fact:
Go. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

Q: How do clocks communicate?
A: They tock to each other.

q: why did the U.S. Bobsled team name there sled Biden?

a: because nothing has taken America downhill faster!

What's the difference between a dirty hockey player and a dirty hippie??

The hockey player will shower after 3 periods!

—Cariño, estoy embarazada.
—Vaya, la excepción que confirma la regla.

La vida sin sentido del humor ni es vida ni tiene sentido.

Trying to find a good time to tell my dog he's adopted.

My coworkers are getting nervous about how many times I refer to my right hand as my boyfriend.

Never try to unscrew another persons lightbulb in order to shine.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she's a keeper.

It's no coincidence all movies about camping are horror.

— То, что ты, сынок, считаешь бурной молодостью, врачи называют алкогольной зависимостью.

Me: You’d be proud, I made a to-do list and a grocery list.
Wife: This just says beer.

My wife said she wanted me to give her a ring for Valentines, I said okay, mobile or landline?

I hate strip clubs. I had a bad experience in one once.

Got taken to one for my birthday this one time. As the strippers did their thing, I quickly ran completely out of bills. Thought I saw a place to swipe my credit card though ...

You wouldn't believe the commotion when I tried it.

Last night, my wife made an Indian dish…but I think she was just trying to curry favor.

If you dont like Harry Potter puns there must be something Ron with you!

I like them, but Im Weasley pleased.

Her: Where are my leftovers?
Me: I’m in the living room, and please stop calling me that.

If you get an email with the subject
Knock Knock.
Don't open it.
It's Jehovahs witnesses working from home.

Мастерство - это реализованный талант.

Her: is this vegan chicken?
Me: idk, I didn't ask him.

Isn't it ironic that procrastination is something you can do immediately?

Оружие должно храниться в чехлах. Поэтому женщины носят лифчики.

Отзовись, прекрасная незнакомка! Я лысый, толстый, глупый. Но если меня кто-нибудь полюбит, начну делать зарядку и читать книги.

- Фима, ты спал с моей женой! Ты мне за это заплатишь!
- Додик, скажу тебе как другу. Два раза я платить не собираюсь!

-¿A tu perro le gustan los niños?
-Si, pero yo le compro su comida.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed..
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence..

Два пожилых еврея крадутся в темноте через границу в сторону Румынии. Вдруг в тишине - окрик пограничника:
- Стой!!! Кто идёт?!!
- Таки никто уже никуда не идёт...

boss: are you busy?

me: oh yes

boss: what are you working on?

me: professional development

boss: you're watching documentaries on youtube again aren't you?

- La unidad hace la fuerza.
- ¿Me dejas cagar tranquila?

You don't need to be loved, you need to love yourself.

People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
- Mark Twain

I hate talking to people who, ‘Spray it, when they say it.’
They irrigate me.

"The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are."

• Carl Jung.

- Папа, это Наташа, она будет жить с нами.
- Долго?
- Часика два...

Египет.
- Закурить есть?
- Есть. Садись.
- Зачем?
- Ты, стоя, что ли, кальян собрался курить?

Dr Dre is the most believable doctor we’ve seen on national TV in two years.

Maybe Jesus only had 12 followers because he never retweeted anyone.

—Cariño, no me has regalado nada el día de los enamorados.
—Te he hecho un retuit.

Me: pick a card, any card...

My wife: that's not how valentine's works.

I bought a box of Viagra teabags last night.

They do nothing for your sex life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it.

Those who can laugh at troubles must be having a hilarious time nowadays.

- Tienes pinta de hobbit.
- Are you Tolkien to me?

I'd just like to wish a happy Valentine's Day to my left hand. You've always been there for me through the hard times.

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card.

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order.

I've been offered some work with a dried fruit company.
Just waiting for them to get back to me with some dates!