Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.

You can say... I solved the case.

My wife was with a younger man last night. It’s ok, today is my birthday!

Building a Cheese Factory in Israel
Gonna call it
Cheeses of Nazareth.

God: whoa no no no stop. i clearly said make your son a 'sack of rice'
Abraham: oh ok phew...well this is embarrassing
God:
Abraham:
God: hey what are you writing

-Buenos días, ¿Aquí es donde se celebra el campeonato de videntes?
-Sí, pero el plazo de inscripción no se abre hasta mañana.
-No quiero ser arrogante, pero he venido a recoger el primer premio.

In an alternate reality, our pets take cute pictures of us with their phones while we sleep.

What do you call someone who can’t stick to their diet??
A desserter.

If during an argument your wife pulls out a knife, pull out a loaf of bread , her female instinct will kick in and she will make you a sandwich.

Tonight is the Constipation Clubs Annual dinner.
Sadly I can't go.

What is Moby Dick’s Dad’s name?

Papa Boner.

We feed our baby onions so we can find him in the dark at night.

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

I tell people to follow their dreams. Or follow whatever, just get away from me.

Why do we say earring and nose ring but not finger ring?

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten?
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: any time

is Spanish the plural of wife is wives and its spelled
esposas
which translates back to wives...
and handcuffs or manacles...

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a bouncer.

- Что было раньше: яйцо или курица?
- Раньше было лучше.

Im in hospital!
Dont Panic!
I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb!
Doctors reckon Ill be out in the Spring.

"I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."

- Albert Einstein

Son: Daddy, do trees poop?
Daddy: Of course. That's how we get number 2 pencils.

I don't know what the problem is, but I know it's not me. I'm amazing.

MY AUNT LEFT ME 200 CLOCKS IN HER WILL, IM STILL "WINDING" UP HER ESTATE!!

"El amor más caliente tiene el final más frío."

—Sócrates

"Time moves slowly, but passes quickly..."
-Alice Walker

My wife said she wanted me to hurt her during sex, so I told her that her meatloaf was too salty.

A fire hydrant is H2O on the inside, and K9P on the outside.

Husband hires a hit man to kill his wife of 40 years. Hit man say's I will shoot her just below her left tit. Husband replies i want her dead not knee capped.

When you have a cat, you get really good at identifying objects by what they sound like falling off a shelf.

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone on the internet has seen yours and been disgusted.

Bloke 1: 'Saw two girls struggling with those wooden paddle things on a row boat this morning'
Bloke 2: 'Oars?"
Bloke 1: 'No. Seemed like decent girls to me'

Im a secondhand vegetarian. I eat animals that ate vegetables
that counts right?

- Семен Маркович, шо мне делать? Моя Сарочка хочет от меня секса каждый день. А я таки в возрасте…
- А шо я вам говорил, Наум Аронович - не берите в жены молоденькую и страшненькую. Никто вам с нею не поможет…

Wouldn't say I'm ugly... but when I put my iPhone in my back pocket, the facial recognition unlocked it.

When you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.

" You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view — until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."
~ Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

For Sale; French WW2 rifle
Never been fired, only dropped once.

Im developing a new fragrance for introverts

Its called Leave me the fuh cologne.

Why are Elephants so wrinkled.?
Because silly,they take to long to iron.!

When you were little, mom & dad took you EVERYWHERE they went!.....Why??? Cause you were soo ugly they didn't want to kiss you Goodbye!!

Best yo momma joke??

I'm not saying yo momma a slut.. but she slid you in and out a couple times giving birth!

If you have an uncontrollable urge to buy land in Antarctica you are probably suffering from buy polar DISORDER.

Another little known fact:. The odds of being struck by a meteorite are astronomical.

Im about to have a cup of dangerous coffee.
Safe tea first though.

My resumé is just a long list of stuff I hate doing.

History is a bit sexist…

…I mean, we should be learning about herstory too.

— Хочу такой любви, чтобы, как в сказке.
— С принцем?
— Нет, с хорошим концом.

A person needs just three things to be truly happy in the world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

—Quiero llegar a tu corazón.
—Por aquí no es.

Whoever put the 'b' in subtle was a clever bastard.

My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch.
I had to explain to him that I'm married now and that's where I sleep.

Me: *leaning back in my chair* work smarter not harder.
My Boss: yeah, unfortunately I think harder may be your only option.

Ругаться матом нехорошо, но называть вещи своими именами необходимо.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled...

Sex over 40 can be exciting

You never know whether it's an orgasm, a stroke or just a cramp.

Teacher: When rain falls does it ever rise again?
Student: Yes it does in dew time.

There's just ONE thing in the world that's worse than being talked about... and that's NOT being talked about.

Ignorance is not bliss.
It's just a fancy word for stupid.

Whoever is stealing my socks - at least take both of them.

Как много лишних слов. Как мало лишних денег…

I do not gossip... I pass things along... It's like a public service.

Friend: I have questions about the human body.

Me: aren’t we a little old for this?

Friend: no I’m talking about the dead one in your freezer.

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

I just got lost in thought.
It was unfamiliar territory.

- I like coffee.
- So I’m guessing you have a Nespresso?
- No. I said I like coffee.

I hate it when people just won’t let go of the past…. Debt collectors are the worst.

В стоматологии:
- Боишься?
- Не-а!
- А чё бахилы запотели?

What does a cannibal see in a pregnant woman?

A Kinder Surprise.

Dad: "I'm not asleep, I'm resting my eyes.
Me: "Hi resting my eyes... I'm son"

Он был настолько лузером, что от отчаяния даже стал вести курсы "Как максимально быстро добиться успеха".

What did O say to Q?

Dude your junks hanging out.

You know what happens when a Smurf pees on your lawn????

You end up with BLUEGRASS!

My wife was so fat when she died that the handles snapped off her coffin.

We had four weldings and a funeral.

I WAS ENGAGED TO A GIRL WITH A WOODEN LEG.

.
I GOT MAD AND BROKE IT OFF.

Drinking beer every day is healthier for you than being dead.

FUN Fact:
Go. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

Q: How do clocks communicate?
A: They tock to each other.

q: why did the U.S. Bobsled team name there sled Biden?

a: because nothing has taken America downhill faster!

What's the difference between a dirty hockey player and a dirty hippie??

The hockey player will shower after 3 periods!