Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- What's up cake?
- Muffin much.

I knew a famous geologist who was a rock star.

I saw a preview for a movie about a huge mobile home. I don’t know if the movie’s any good, but the trailer is impressive.

Her: my eyes are up here

Me, an introvert: can I just keep staring at my feet?

A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Me: Not before I've had my coffee.

Them: But you don't drink coffee.

Me: Exactly.

-¿Cómo puedes venir a la cita y no traerme un ramo de flores?
-Bueno, llevo calzoncillos floreados.

I didn't mean to gain weight.
It happened by snaccident.

What makes Teflon stick to the pan?

My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

Cat Stevens was dropped by his record label several times but always landed on his feet.

What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?

The woman complained her husband doesn't spoon her anymore . He just forks her.

My parents didn’t earn much money when I was growing up, so we had to live in a teapot.
I know what you’re thinking, pour me.

In which Indian city do people always leave their mother?
Mumbai.

Does anyone actually know where the middle of nowhere is?

Why are rabbits silent when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls!

"I can't even" is an odd thing to say.

What do you call a Mushroom with a long stalk?

A Fungi to be with.

You know what's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.

How do you know if an introvert is waving at you?

He’s not.

If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.

When I get home the first thing I'm going to do is rip my wife's panties off. Because they're too small and the elastic is killing me.

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

“When I do good I feel good, when I do bad I feel bad, and that's my religion.”
- Abraham Lincoln

Wife's not spoken to me since she caught me using her toothbrush. So if anybody knows of another method of getting dogs shit off my shoe please advise.

Explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my Arse , - My wife screamed. You explain to me -
I yelled back - Why you didn't wake up when I put it there.

Did you hear about the clumsy astronomer who banged his head on a telescope? Ironically, he saw stars.

У тебя всего одно детство, и оно может длиться всю жизнь.

—¿Es aquí el club de los enteradillos?
—Sí.
—Ya lo sabía.

I always name my problems "people" because that's what causes them.

Before I go to the archaeological dig site, I start my day with a small loaf of bread. I like that old-time rock…
& roll.

If you can count, count on yourself.

I used to work for Jim Henson but had to quit... I was surrounded by muppets...

Does wearing clothes make me materialistic?

I’m not a morning person unless you want morning sex.

I already know I'm going to hell... at this point, it's just a case of go big or go home!

Of course passenger side car seat heaters are necessary all year round.

How else do people keep their tacos warm ?

What color Does a Smurf turn If you Choke it ?

Загадочная женщина загадит жизнь любому мужику.
А если нет, то придет догадливая и догадит.

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

Dwarfism is a growing problem.

Were there any great men born in this town?
No only little babies.

Before I was married my girlfriend told me, " Don't even talk to me about sex before we are married." After I married her, she said " Okay, You now can talk about it. All you want. You're not getting any! :"

Subway worker: you want a six inch?
Me: it’s 4 1/2 isn’t it ?

My buddy Steve tied a level to the top of his head. Now he’s Even Steven.

I texted my ex the other day to tell her I still think about her during sex because it keeps me from climaxing!

My daughter used to date a teeter totter salesman. I don't know what seesaw in him.

Just got back from the Antique Shop.
Nothing new there.

You should never attempt Pottery when you're tired.
Last time I tried I almost fell asleep at the wheel.

My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.

You can say... I solved the case.

My wife was with a younger man last night. It’s ok, today is my birthday!

Building a Cheese Factory in Israel
Gonna call it
Cheeses of Nazareth.

God: whoa no no no stop. i clearly said make your son a 'sack of rice'
Abraham: oh ok phew...well this is embarrassing
God:
Abraham:
God: hey what are you writing

-Buenos días, ¿Aquí es donde se celebra el campeonato de videntes?
-Sí, pero el plazo de inscripción no se abre hasta mañana.
-No quiero ser arrogante, pero he venido a recoger el primer premio.

In an alternate reality, our pets take cute pictures of us with their phones while we sleep.

What do you call someone who can’t stick to their diet??
A desserter.

If during an argument your wife pulls out a knife, pull out a loaf of bread , her female instinct will kick in and she will make you a sandwich.

Tonight is the Constipation Clubs Annual dinner.
Sadly I can't go.

What is Moby Dick’s Dad’s name?

Papa Boner.

We feed our baby onions so we can find him in the dark at night.

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

I tell people to follow their dreams. Or follow whatever, just get away from me.

Why do we say earring and nose ring but not finger ring?

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten?
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: any time

is Spanish the plural of wife is wives and its spelled
esposas
which translates back to wives...
and handcuffs or manacles...

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a bouncer.

- Что было раньше: яйцо или курица?
- Раньше было лучше.

Im in hospital!
Dont Panic!
I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb!
Doctors reckon Ill be out in the Spring.

"I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."

- Albert Einstein

Son: Daddy, do trees poop?
Daddy: Of course. That's how we get number 2 pencils.

I don't know what the problem is, but I know it's not me. I'm amazing.

MY AUNT LEFT ME 200 CLOCKS IN HER WILL, IM STILL "WINDING" UP HER ESTATE!!

"El amor más caliente tiene el final más frío."

—Sócrates

"Time moves slowly, but passes quickly..."
-Alice Walker

My wife said she wanted me to hurt her during sex, so I told her that her meatloaf was too salty.

A fire hydrant is H2O on the inside, and K9P on the outside.

Husband hires a hit man to kill his wife of 40 years. Hit man say's I will shoot her just below her left tit. Husband replies i want her dead not knee capped.

When you have a cat, you get really good at identifying objects by what they sound like falling off a shelf.

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone on the internet has seen yours and been disgusted.