Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it

In school we learn the lesson before we take the test. In life we take the test before we learn the lesson.

When someone rings the doorbell why do dogs always assume its for them?

—Tienes muy mala pinta.
—Fuera de mi bar.

Your secrets are safe with me. Mostly because my memory is shit and I hate everyone.

A good nap helps to break the day up into manageable portions.

Orphans are bad at poker because they've never had a full house.

A Mexican Beatles cover band's drummer would be called Gringo Starr.

How did the pharaohs become so wealthy? They were running huge pyramid schemes.

Софа Львовна была уже не персик, но ещё таки не курага.

There is a new laxative out for men. Its called "WOMEN". It won't soften your stool, but it will aggravate the shit out of you.

When life gives you lemons, tweet about it.

Я отключился от интернета: там столько грязных фильмов для взрослых, что просто некогда выйти из дому.
(с) Джек Николсон

FUN Fact:
Horses 'wink' with their vaginas when they are horny.

My love language is mutual respect and honesty...

Oh..and good dick too.

Some coworkers are like broken rockets.
They don't work and it seems they can't be fired.

Гадости нужно делать так, чтобы никто о них не узнал, - тогда и совесть не будет беспокоить...

Why do midgets laugh when they run . The grass tickles there balls.

My mate's gambling is getting out of hand.
He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.
I thought I might have to raise him.

A friend was complaining his wife never wanted to have sex anymore...l told him if your wife can't be your right hand let your right hand be your wife...

Chuck Norris scored a touchdown in basketball

If you realize that the writing's on the wall, you're probably in a public bathroom.

I will kiss you anywhere you want.
Except in Belgium.

I've found that nowadays most people don't like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don't know them.

-Los leñadores bailan muy bien.
-Tú que sabes.
-Son expertos en mover el tronco.

Its sad when people cant admit their faults. I would if I had any...

My wife asked me "what's the most annoying thing I do?" like I'm dumb enough to answer that question.

You're not fat, you're padded for extra comfort.

The bus to Idiot Town is here to take you home.

The shoe salesman showed me shoes with Velcro fasteners.
I asked "why Velcro?"
He replied "why knot ?"

Waiting for my next pun about musical instruments?
Stay tuned!!

You can't hurt me.. You're not my wife ...

Therapist: And when you use your dildos in such an unhealthy manner, how do you feel?

Me: With my asshole mostly.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99% of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

“Just got a holiday to that fab place in the Middle East!”

“Dubai?”

“No, won them in a raffle”.

Why is Putin in such a hurry to get into Ukraine?

Because he's always Russian.

"У КАЖДОГО СИФИЛИТИКА - СВОЯ АНАЛИТИКА".

FUN Fact:
Watching horror films can burn up to 200 calories, the same as a half-hour walk.

En el aeropuerto:
-¿Nacionalidad?
-Ruso.
-¿Ocupación?
-No, no, de visita.

Ass grabbing is an essential part of a well balanced relationship.

FUN Fact:
There is a town in Canada called Dildo.

I would NEVER flash my boobs at Target... that's what Walmart is for.

“Do not underestimate Joe’s ability to fuck things up”

- Barack Obama

FUN Fact:
According to an Oxford study, falling in love costs you on average 2 friends.

When I kill a bug in my house, I leave the dead body around for a bit to warn the others.

- Фима, а ты шо, перестал встречаться с Цилечкой?
- Таки да, я на ней женился.

Stalker: *startled* wh-what are you doing behind me?!

Me: I follow back.

How many animals can be found on the female body? 6. A set of hooters, a couple of calves, an ass and a fish that nobody can find.

What did the glass full of water say to the glass half full of water?

"You look drunk"

Procrastinators are the leaders of tomorrow.

Want to get noticed?

Go jogging without moving your arms.

Don't be afraid of growing old. A lot of people never make it that far.

Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security.

What does an accountant sleep under?

A balance sheet.

What size boobs do mermaids have?... a size "sea".

Опыт — это утраченные иллюзии, а не приобретённая мудрость.

Электросварщик Иванов в большой обиде на своих родителей: это ж надо было дать такое имя - Электросварщик!

The Carpenters came to the house today when I was at work……when I got home I asked if they were done, they said we’ve only just begun.

What's the point of a high school reunion? I have Facebook. I already know you got fat.

Three Conspiracy Theorists Walk Into a Bar.

Don’t tell me that’s not a coincidence.

WHATS THE LAST THING YOU HEAR BEFORE A PUBIC HAIR HITS THE GROUND?
PFFFFFFFFFFTH!

It's been so long since I've had sex, I forget who's supposed to get tied up.

— Сколько вам нужно времени?
— Сделаю за час в течение недели.

- Давай не будем считать, что ты тупой. Просто будем от этого отталкиваться...

-He puesto mi Dacia a 120 por hora en la autovía y temblaba.
-El coche?
-También.

“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”
~ Robert Morley

- Сарочка, у вашего мужа новый костюм?
- Нет, это мой новый муж.

"So how much do they ask for rent in a place like this?"

"About twice a week."

"I'll give you 3 days to pay your rent!"

"OK. I'll pick the 4th of July, Christmas, and Easter."

I have friends that could finish my sentences, but if they did that, we wouldn't be friends.

Spend long enough in a room full of shit and it won’t take long for you to ignore the smell.

I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Mercury Grand Marquis so I know a thing or two about luxury.

- Вы шелкопряд?
- Да.
- Местный?
- Ага. Тутовый.

When a lion escapes from a circus in Africa, how do they know when they've caught the right one? - George Carlin

I read a story about pig anatomy. It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.

-Amor, ¿De aquí a dónde me quieres?
-¿Ves todas esas nubes?
-Sí.
-Pues vámonos, porque va a llover bien cabrón y no ahora no estés chingando.

FUN Fact:
Female ferrets can die if they don't have enough sex.

Reminder: The successful people you look up to once did the things you refuse to do.

No matter how hard you try to beat the clock, you always have to buy a new one the next day.

What did the little boy with no hands get for his birthday?
... IDK, he hasn't opened it yet!