Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Phoned the doctor and said I think I have constipation.
He relplied;
Don't give a shit.

The rapper Jay Z has retired. Changed his name to Lazy...

What do they call a bra in Germany,
A stopth em from floppin.

Отец Федор три года собирает пожертвования на часовню, но пока хватило только на Ауди.

I got a big promotion at the forestry department.

They gave me my own branch.

Wife said, where's the nut dish?
I replied, your talking out of it

Birds don’t really fly.
The just wing it.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate!

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic.

Maybe they just want each other to shut up ?

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the Receipt of the Jedi.

Jason Bourne has a brother who lives in Australia.

His name is Mel.

I realised I’ve never been attacked by birds, I must be impeccable.

- Какой у тебя размер презерватива?
- Да хуй его знает!

It’s extremely rare for a defibrillator to fail, but when it does,
No One’s shocked.

My wife says my snoring a noise her.

Deer testicles are the most affordable meat, they’re always under a buck.

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

Never trust a tree in the summer...

Most of them seem pretty shady...

The magician said he would make a musical instrument appear and VIOLA! There it was.

I had misplaced my research paper on Geography.

But then I found it atlas!

I bought a used car with a frame that isn’t very straight . Now I drive a bently.

Смотри куда идешь, а то придешь туда куда смотришь...

I ought to be punished
For every pun I shed,
Do not leave a puny shred
Upon my punnish head.

Who's bigger ?
Mr Bigger, Mrs Bigger or their baby ?

Their baby. He's a little Bigger.

A sheep spends its entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the shepherd.

(In Scottish accent) Whats wrong with Mickey Mouses helicopter? Disneyland.

I had a debate with a flat-earther. He said he'd walk to the edge of the Earth to prove his point.

I'm sure he'll come around eventually.

Was injured when a chandelier fell on me.
Went to the hospital with light injuries.

Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry on his head. Doctor says " Don't worry, I've got some cream for that"

I admit I’ve never actually eaten at KFC… but it’s definitely on my bucket list!….

Was out with the new girlfriend when a mouse jumps out of nowhere, to impress her I bricked the little fucker
I'm now single.
And banned from Disneyland.

I tried smelling mothballs once but I couldn't get their little legs apart.

— Скажи 300.
— 300.
— Спрячь тратил от Исламиста.

FUN Fact:
Every human being starts out as an anus - It's the first part of our bodies to form in the womb.

Be careful when offering to help a fisherman.
You could be opening a can of worms.

My weird boss has assigned designated toilet breaks for all employees - and now it’s my turn. I really don’t need this shit!

My vacuum cleaner died...

it bit the dust...

- Мой муж так простужен!
- Скажите ему, чтобы он больше пил и отдыхал.
- Если это помогает, то я вообще не понимаю, как он ухитрился заболеть.

Music is just like candy...

It's great, once you get rid of the rapper.

My tailor really likes fixing my clothes. Or sew it seams.

What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbours pussy instead.

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized.
I don't even have a coconut.

How does the Pope pay for things on eBay? He uses his Papal account.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

The computer can beat me at maths but I can put the computer in the trash.

My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.

I told him that’s.... sound advice.

My wife is upset because The Rolling Stones had to cancel their concert. I told her, "You can't always get what you want."

Никогда не позволяйте морали удерживать вас от правильных поступков.

I wanted to get married at the library but it was all booked up.

I fisted a Ventriloquist once to see how he liked it..

- Ты хоть поспал сегодня, или не дали?
- И дали, и поспал.

Doctor who specializes in adam's apples..
Guyneckologist.

If boobs weren’t meant to be looked at, they wouldn’t be in the front.

What happens when the doctor's wife eats an apple a day?

My sister just had a baby boy.
They've decided to call him Mark, but with a C.
Cark.

Centigrade, Fahrenheit and Kelvin, I trust them all with varying degrees.

Male lions will often eat other lions when they are starving. They just have to swallow their pride.

How many months have 28 days?
All 12.

My pencil was stolen.
The police have opened a pencil case...

Если все ваши любовницы похожи на вашу жену, значит вы - однолюб.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

My wife and I share the same sense of humour...
We have to, she doesn't have one.

My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me. So I guess that means I’m not actually their sun.

I went to see an acupuncturist today. When I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

Vaginas are like gyms.

I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.

My new job inspecting feathers has me feeling down!

My neighbor was very rude when I knocked on his door to ask him his favorite Michael Jackson song.
He said, "Beat it!"

My New Years resolution is to give up sexual innuendos.
Which is going to be extremely hard.

My mother warned me against giving my daughter a silly name, but I called her bluff...

My company has just hired a new Customer Service manager named Helen Waite.

Now whenever customers have problems or complaints I just tell them to go to Helen Waite.

My little son asked me where you find giant snails? Easy, on giant’s fingers.

Some gambling advice…. never let cows play cards. They tend to leave their chips on the table.

My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, Id better warn you, shes expecting a baby. I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing a diaper...

My least favorite color is purple. I dislike it more than red and blue combined.

My mate took his dead cat to a taxidermist, but they stuffed the wrong end. It was a cat-ass-trophy.

- Мамочка,а что такое "@бать/колотить"?
- Боже,доченька,где ты это услышала?
- Нигде не слышала. Смотрю вокруг и само на ум приходит.

I constantly tried to phone the zoo.
.
The lion was always busy.

My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read your mind… he lets you know what you’re thinking.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of Rain.