Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

To start a zoo, you need at least two Pandas, a Grizzly and two Polars.

That is the Bear minimum.

Blankets don’t warm you up. You warm up blankets.

ME: "pew pew...pew pew pew"
GUY AT NEXT URINAL: "Please stop"

Красивым словом ТУРБУЛЕНТНОСТЬ полностью описывается состояние говна, болтающегося в проруби.
Игорь Иртеньев

A popular Norwegian adage says,"There’s no bad weather, just bad clothing choices."

Ночь темна и полна ужасов, а холодильник светел и полон обещаний.

Собрание в сельсовете. Перед односельчанами выступает голова, после окончания выступления говорит:
- А сейчас будут дебаты.
Встает доярка:
- Если дебаты, то меня первую.., а то мне еще корову доить.

Ladies get yourself a man with no teeth he will never smile at another woman.

Always remember it's better to wake up and pee than to pee and wake up.

Каждый электрик хотя бы раз в жизни был проводником.

Needed to build a chair to support my lower back. I got the materials at the lumbar yard.

I keep a guitar in the car with me now.

It's good for traffic jams.

The president of the Scrabble club got married. It was arranged.

The best years of my life was spent in the arms of another mans wife.

Thanks Mum.

Never fight a dinasour...

You'll get Jurasskicked.

I was told a joke about a high salary... but I don't get it.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid group has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on .

I masturbated so good last night….when I woke up my clit was in the kitchen cookin breakfast.

Officer: You get one phone call.

Me: Can I text?

During breakfast my wife told me that she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I nearly choked on my #brown.

If the women is always right.

Who wins when lesbians argue..?

I love putting on warm underwear fresh from the dryer, plus it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to…

The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone’s face at Starbucks.

There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to sooth the soul . Even if it’s cold . Over ice.with a celery stalk . And vodka

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?

It's called On and On Anon.

Welcome to spring, where no matter what jacket you pick, you're wrong.

I sing in the prison choir. I'm always behind a few bars and looking for the key.

I sat in my haircutters chair and said “make me look sexy “.

She started drinking.

I’m more confused than a Chameleon in a bag of Skittles.

- Давай встречаться?
- Давай! А с кем?

Одна девочка не знала как ставится ударение в словосочетании "Страстная суббота" и этот день прошел для неё веселее, чем для других христиан.

So anyone know where I can get fresh ice cubes...?

I don't want any of those frozen ones.

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair.

Моя жизнь как кубик Рубик — с одной стороны синий, а с другой стороны не складывается!

My wife has stood by me for 30 years...

We only have 1 chair.

I love surprising my Girlfriend…
Today she woke up blocked and single!

Q: What do you call a sheep that torments other animals?
A: A wooly bully.

After Walmart opened stores in Germany, it had to scrap its policy requiring employees to smile at customers because German shoppers thought it was strange.

Чтобы в старости не грустить о былых временах, я просто сейчас стремно и скучно живу.

A friend’s dog swallowed a cushion. The vet has described its condition as comfortable.

What do you call a bear with no ears?
B.

We started a band and called it "Books"

So no one can judge us by our covers.

They are going to remake The Wizard of Oz only this time starring Sylvester Stallone. Its called Somewhere over the Rambo.

What do you call a gay Dinosaur?
A Mega sore ass.

Alec Baldwin's wife is pregnant again with their 7th child. Dude never fires blanks.

Facebook removed my joke about rice cakes because they said it was tasteless.

My family said i should get help for my drinking, so i hired a bartender.

I was being stalked by a Telephone Operator.

.
She's a little hung-up on me.

How much does a circumcisionist make?
$25.00 an hour plus tips.

Anyone caught posting music puns will now be band.

Yesterday was International Bread Day.
This fact is a day old, so I Propose a toast.

What do women want? Shoes. Lots and lots of shoes. Like a lot of shoes. Sometimes orgasms but mostly shoes.

A salesman knocked on my door earlier. "Who currently provides your Internet?" he asked. I said, "My next door neighbour."

Рано утром Изя выползает из спальни в полном изнеможении и бормочет:
- Софа, шоб ты еще так кушать научилась готовить...

The pussy is never yours, it's just your turn.

I know a lot of clever jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over peoples heads.

- Привет, кем работаешь?
- А у меня муж работает, а я красивая!

My mum doesn’t trust my dad’s secretary. I asked her why, and she just said “I’ve seen her type before”.

If autocorrect changes ur fuck to duck, it’s alright.. it’s still foul language.

There can be 100 people in a room.
99 won't slap you, but one Will.

Q: How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?

A: Medium Rare.

I used to be married to a banana, but then me and the banana split.

Every one in my town wears jumpers that are a size too small for them.
We are a very tight knit community.

Las Vegas new casino has a Colonoscopy Clinic. It’s called Proctor & Gamble.

If you're alone and feeling lonely - fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.

To the woman with six screaming kids in Tesco, if you're wondering how those condoms got in your trolley, you’re welcome.

What do the French call marijuana?

Oui'd

Phoned the doctor and said I think I have constipation.
He relplied;
Don't give a shit.

The rapper Jay Z has retired. Changed his name to Lazy...

What do they call a bra in Germany,
A stopth em from floppin.

Отец Федор три года собирает пожертвования на часовню, но пока хватило только на Ауди.

I got a big promotion at the forestry department.

They gave me my own branch.

Wife said, where's the nut dish?
I replied, your talking out of it

Birds don’t really fly.
The just wing it.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate!

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic.

Maybe they just want each other to shut up ?

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the Receipt of the Jedi.

Jason Bourne has a brother who lives in Australia.

His name is Mel.

I realised I’ve never been attacked by birds, I must be impeccable.

- Какой у тебя размер презерватива?
- Да хуй его знает!