Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Saw a sign on the train saying "Please give this seat to an elderly person".

So I unscrewed it and took it to my grandma's house.

My nephew is an intern at a marijuana dispensary.
He has high hopes for the future.

Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well.

I accidentally ran over a mouse with my car on my way to work, I guess I won’t be going back to Disney land!

BREAKING NEWS!
Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.

Cases continue to rise…

I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.

Wife: "For Pete's sake, I'm getting sick and tired of you accusing me of cheating on you!"
Husband: "Who's Pete?"

There are two typos of people in the world. Those who notice spelling errors and those who don’t.

The Invisible Man lost a game in strip poker and no one even noticed.

The local lariat maker just retired. He finally got to the end of his rope.

I'm so single right now, that if i win a trip for two, im going twice!!!

Do you know where dragon milk comes from?
From a cow with short legs.

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
~ Groucho Marx

So, apparently my degree in aromachology requires a refresher course.

I'm having regular sex with a blind woman. The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.

If you see me talking to myself in the street, Just move along.
I'm self employed
We are having a Staff Meeting.

At my age I don’t need participation medals.
Everything I do results in atrophy.

Chestnut: A man who is obsessed with female breasts.

If you don’t meet the devil every now and then, you are traveling in the same direction.

В любой непонятной ситуации читайте русскую классику. Там всё у всех намного хуже..

The chess player was not to be trusted. He had a checkered past.

Looking for a relationship? Date a horse rancher, they’re very stable.

How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi Jammin.

Why don’t the EasterBunny make noise, during sex?…

Cotton balls.

The man who worked in the gum factory fell into a vat of bubblegum.
His boss had to chew him out.

It's called Spring because the temperature bounces up and down...

What happens if you go through life cutting corners?
You become well rounded.

I don't use much seasoning in the kitchen.
You have to take my cooking skills with a grain of salt...

Why do Easter eggs hide?
Cause they're a little chicken.

Программист сделал своей девушке приложение...

Chuck Norri’s wife never wants to discuss the relationship.

"Жизнь после пятидесяти только начинается", - подумала женщина и попросила налить еще пятьдесят.

My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

- Изя, ты помнишь, что полгода назад ты у меня занял 100 долларов?
- Сёма, таки да, к сожалению, помню.
- Изя, а когда ты мне их отдашь?
- Не знаю… Сёма, я шо тебе пророк?!

Before Black Eyed Peas made Chuck Norris mad, they were just called Peas.

Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical axis!
Therapist: Why?
Patient: [screams]

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy.

Senior Dr : Why did you have sex with her?
Trainee Dr: She was lying there naked....what was I supposed to do?
Senior Dr: The autopsy! You were supposed to perform the autopsy!

I love gossiping with gardeners. They always have lots of good dirt.

I told my psychiatrist that I have been hearing voices.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

My wife has just phoned me to say that 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, "That's probably why."

What did Jesus say to his apostles on the cross before he died ?

Don't touch my fucking easter eggs il be back on Sunday.

- Ты конченный?
- Да.
- А скажи что-нибудь на конченном.
- Все неоднозначно, всей правды мы не узнаем.

I watched a television series on the history of tops and dreidels. It was so popular that there are plans for a spin off.

I’m bad at small talk. I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she did for a living.

What did Elton John say to the boy's father?

"Don't let your son go down on me".

Thought of the Day: Your brain is amazing organ, it starts working the moment you get up and doesn't stop until you get in the office.

What does a Strawberry wear to Bed?
Jammies.

If I want to save money to plant bushes on my lawn, should I invest in a hedge fund?

I was talking to a friend, and he told me his wife was a broad.
I looked at him and said that's pretty disrespectful.
He replied not really, she loves travelling overseas.

My Dad claims that I interject coffee puns into every conversation. I asked, “On what grounds can you make that assertion?”

I'm not fat, I'm hot. And when things get hot they expand, it's science.

I used to live next door to a vampire. Man was he a pain in the neck.

It's actually bad luck to say MacBook inside an office. You have to call it 'The Scottish Laptop'

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.

I wanted to make a chicken omelette for breakfast, but I couldn’t remember which ingredient came first…

Due to unforseen circumstances Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels could not be with us tonight.
But, they're with us in spirit.

I saw a group of ghosts at the bar tonight.

They were raising
their spirits.

Kid: "Dad what's leather made from?"
Dad: "Hide".
Kid: "What???"
Dad: "Hide... a cows outside".
Kid: "I'm not afraid of a cow..."

If you dress like a cowboy...
are you ranch dressing?

I wanted to learn to dance so I started with salsa. I wanted something I could dip in to.

The introvert urge to stay up far too late because it’s the only time you can be alone.

75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it.

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

I had a pet rock a long time ago. I never realized how stoned he was back then.

I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.

Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.
My light bill seems really high.

My trainer told me that every time I ate a donut it went to my hip.
Note to self: eat 2 so my hips will match.

My daughter just revealed to me she's transexual... I guess that makes me transparent.

My cashew business is doing so well, I was able to hire someone to do deliveries. He drives me nuts.

Difference between cheating on your wife and on the taxman?
If you get caught, the taxman will still want to screw you!!!

The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.

How did the police arrest all the prostitutes in town. They used a hornet.

The only way to get AIDS from a toilet seat, is by sitting down before the last guy gets up.

My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3-meter-wide frame for our wedding photo.

Well I think she should look at the bigger picture.

Alcohol free beer. Like going down on your sister. Tastes the same but it's not right

Technically the overall goal of golf...

is to play less golf...

I lived with a beautiful woman for 8 months.....and then she found me in her closet.

Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.