Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- Ты хоть поспал сегодня, или не дали?
- И дали, и поспал.

Doctor who specializes in adam's apples..
Guyneckologist.

If boobs weren’t meant to be looked at, they wouldn’t be in the front.

What happens when the doctor's wife eats an apple a day?

My sister just had a baby boy.
They've decided to call him Mark, but with a C.
Cark.

Centigrade, Fahrenheit and Kelvin, I trust them all with varying degrees.

Male lions will often eat other lions when they are starving. They just have to swallow their pride.

How many months have 28 days?
All 12.

My pencil was stolen.
The police have opened a pencil case...

Если все ваши любовницы похожи на вашу жену, значит вы - однолюб.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

My wife and I share the same sense of humour...
We have to, she doesn't have one.

My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me. So I guess that means I’m not actually their sun.

I went to see an acupuncturist today. When I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

Vaginas are like gyms.

I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.

My new job inspecting feathers has me feeling down!

My neighbor was very rude when I knocked on his door to ask him his favorite Michael Jackson song.
He said, "Beat it!"

My New Years resolution is to give up sexual innuendos.
Which is going to be extremely hard.

My mother warned me against giving my daughter a silly name, but I called her bluff...

My company has just hired a new Customer Service manager named Helen Waite.

Now whenever customers have problems or complaints I just tell them to go to Helen Waite.

My little son asked me where you find giant snails? Easy, on giant’s fingers.

Some gambling advice…. never let cows play cards. They tend to leave their chips on the table.

My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, Id better warn you, shes expecting a baby. I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing a diaper...

My least favorite color is purple. I dislike it more than red and blue combined.

My mate took his dead cat to a taxidermist, but they stuffed the wrong end. It was a cat-ass-trophy.

- Мамочка,а что такое "@бать/колотить"?
- Боже,доченька,где ты это услышала?
- Нигде не слышала. Смотрю вокруг и само на ум приходит.

I constantly tried to phone the zoo.
.
The lion was always busy.

My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read your mind… he lets you know what you’re thinking.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of Rain.

I told the wife that I'm seeing dots. She says, have you seen a doctor? No, just dots.

I finally did it!

I got a role in a porn!

I'm the husband that goes to work...

My twin brother forgot my birthday.

If you want me to stop with the thanksgiving puns I need you to know
I just cant stop cold turkey.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

Went to the doctor as I was feeling constipated.

We talked shit for 30 minutes....

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.
It never really got off the ground.

My wife named our waterbed the DEAD SEA.

Когда я играю с девушками в шахматы, я всегда отпускаю шуточки по поводу их фигур.

My grandad always said

Dont believe everything you hear

It was great advice...

I think...

My friend said she wanted the two of us to hang out naked with grizzlies. "What?" I said, confused. She said, "Bear with me!"

Девушка, дайте мне таблетку.
- Вам какую?
- Белую.
- Послушайте, это аптека. У нас много белых таблеток.
- Одну дайте.

Chuck Norris once told a joke to Hyenas and they still haven't stop laughing!

When did the Seventh Commandment get changed from thou shalt not commit adultery to thou shalt not ADMIT adultery?

Which coat is always wet when you put it on?

A coat of paint.

Don’t listen to Bugs Bunny. Anything he says is all just haresay.

My wife and her family all say Im paranoid. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re all saying behind my back.

Immortality jokes... they never get old.

I never remind people of their flaws... unless I'm losing an argument.

Chuck Norris doesn't lie, he changes facts!

I know right from wrong... wrong is the fun one.

I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

Если ты встретишь на дороге шаолиньского монаха, ударь его по лицу.
Если это будет настоящий шаолиньский монах, ты ему по лицу не попадешь.
Если это будет ученик шаолиньских монахов, он будет благодарен тебе за урок.
Если это будет проходимец в одежде шаолиньского монаха, то так ему и надо!

I'd tell you the story about the international space station but I'm sure it would probably go right over your head.

Mathematicians aren’t that smart.
They say pie are square.
When everyone knows.
Pie are round.

Somebody said my dad's gay.
And I’m now trying to work out which one.

I consider exercise self care, so I make time for it. Same goes for masturbation..

My fanatic fly-fishing cousin broke his arm three years ago and still, fearing loss of his favourite pastime, refuses to have his cast removed!

What’s the favorite ride of Scotsmen? Eweber. It’s sheeper than a regular taxi.

Son: Dad, for $20 I will be good.
Dad: Oh yeah! When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

I know someone in a tribute band called "Jar Lid". They cover The Jam.

Them: Don’t worry, you got this!

Narrator: He didn’t got this.

My friend just called me the worst best man ever. I was speechless.

Doctor: Thanks for waiting sir.

Patient: IT'S M'AAM!!!

Doctor: Ma'am, you have testicular cancer.

I’m leaving the hair styling industry. It’s a permanent decision.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

My dad told me that when he was young, he once had to miss class because of hypothermia.

Said he was too cool for school.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I'm doing my job.

My taxidermist friend invited me over for dinner. After the meal, I was stuffed.

No matter what anyone says, a mattress should be part of your exercise equipment...

Long long ago there once was a woman that never complained. Then again it was long long ago and it was only once!

What do you call Snoop Dogg in a hot air balloon?
Higher than usual.

There was a robbery at my local laundry. A couple of pegs held up a shirt.

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested? WTF?

I'm not saying my wife's a fat ...
But I've had to put an energy-saving bulb in the fridge.

I've been married for 47yrs now, and I've started to have erection difficulties....
My wife and I have different ideas as to what the problem is.....
She bought me some Viagra.....
And I bought her a treadmill....

I started my new job in a salon today when a beautiful lady walked in.

She said, I'm undecided at the moment. What's the best style you can give to me.

Doggy, I replied.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

My first job was at a metal container manufacturer, but I got canned.
Then I worked at a company that produced glow-in-the-dark flags. It was a fly-by-night business.
Lastly, I started an aircraft design company, however it never got off the ground.

Генетики пока не могут объяснить, почему у чиновников и депутатов рождаются дети-миллиардеры.