Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I told the wife that I'm seeing dots. She says, have you seen a doctor? No, just dots.

I finally did it!

I got a role in a porn!

I'm the husband that goes to work...

My twin brother forgot my birthday.

If you want me to stop with the thanksgiving puns I need you to know
I just cant stop cold turkey.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

Went to the doctor as I was feeling constipated.

We talked shit for 30 minutes....

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.
It never really got off the ground.

My wife named our waterbed the DEAD SEA.

Когда я играю с девушками в шахматы, я всегда отпускаю шуточки по поводу их фигур.

My grandad always said

Dont believe everything you hear

It was great advice...

I think...

My friend said she wanted the two of us to hang out naked with grizzlies. "What?" I said, confused. She said, "Bear with me!"

Девушка, дайте мне таблетку.
- Вам какую?
- Белую.
- Послушайте, это аптека. У нас много белых таблеток.
- Одну дайте.

Chuck Norris once told a joke to Hyenas and they still haven't stop laughing!

When did the Seventh Commandment get changed from thou shalt not commit adultery to thou shalt not ADMIT adultery?

Which coat is always wet when you put it on?

A coat of paint.

Don’t listen to Bugs Bunny. Anything he says is all just haresay.

My wife and her family all say Im paranoid. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re all saying behind my back.

Immortality jokes... they never get old.

I never remind people of their flaws... unless I'm losing an argument.

Chuck Norris doesn't lie, he changes facts!

I know right from wrong... wrong is the fun one.

I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

Если ты встретишь на дороге шаолиньского монаха, ударь его по лицу.
Если это будет настоящий шаолиньский монах, ты ему по лицу не попадешь.
Если это будет ученик шаолиньских монахов, он будет благодарен тебе за урок.
Если это будет проходимец в одежде шаолиньского монаха, то так ему и надо!

I'd tell you the story about the international space station but I'm sure it would probably go right over your head.

Mathematicians aren’t that smart.
They say pie are square.
When everyone knows.
Pie are round.

Somebody said my dad's gay.
And I’m now trying to work out which one.

I consider exercise self care, so I make time for it. Same goes for masturbation..

My fanatic fly-fishing cousin broke his arm three years ago and still, fearing loss of his favourite pastime, refuses to have his cast removed!

What’s the favorite ride of Scotsmen? Eweber. It’s sheeper than a regular taxi.

Son: Dad, for $20 I will be good.
Dad: Oh yeah! When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

I know someone in a tribute band called "Jar Lid". They cover The Jam.

Them: Don’t worry, you got this!

Narrator: He didn’t got this.

My friend just called me the worst best man ever. I was speechless.

Doctor: Thanks for waiting sir.

Patient: IT'S M'AAM!!!

Doctor: Ma'am, you have testicular cancer.

I’m leaving the hair styling industry. It’s a permanent decision.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

My dad told me that when he was young, he once had to miss class because of hypothermia.

Said he was too cool for school.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I'm doing my job.

My taxidermist friend invited me over for dinner. After the meal, I was stuffed.

No matter what anyone says, a mattress should be part of your exercise equipment...

Long long ago there once was a woman that never complained. Then again it was long long ago and it was only once!

What do you call Snoop Dogg in a hot air balloon?
Higher than usual.

There was a robbery at my local laundry. A couple of pegs held up a shirt.

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested? WTF?

I'm not saying my wife's a fat ...
But I've had to put an energy-saving bulb in the fridge.

I've been married for 47yrs now, and I've started to have erection difficulties....
My wife and I have different ideas as to what the problem is.....
She bought me some Viagra.....
And I bought her a treadmill....

I started my new job in a salon today when a beautiful lady walked in.

She said, I'm undecided at the moment. What's the best style you can give to me.

Doggy, I replied.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

My first job was at a metal container manufacturer, but I got canned.
Then I worked at a company that produced glow-in-the-dark flags. It was a fly-by-night business.
Lastly, I started an aircraft design company, however it never got off the ground.

Генетики пока не могут объяснить, почему у чиновников и депутатов рождаются дети-миллиардеры.

Dating me is fun. You get a comedian, a mental patient and a pornstar all in one.

I trained a fish to buy groceries.
It’s my shopping carp.

I got kicked out of the choir for trying to sing the high parts.
They said I was a treble maker.

Этот мир настолько жесток, что даже в слове "картавость" есть буква "р".

Q: What’s the difference between a jeweller and a prison officer?
A: One sells watches, the other watches cells.

My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I’m shitting bricks to be honest.

"No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot."
Mark Twain

Шансы, как презервативы, их надо использовать.

A bad chapter doesn't mean that it's the end of the story.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle

“Dong. Ding Dong.”

-Jame Bond’s doorbell

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 Hearts and a Diamond, by the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

My wife asked me why I never weigh myself, I said I'm trying to scale back.

I just read Thomas Edison's autobiography, it was quite illuminating

Someone poured a tin of purple paint over me.

I felt violated.

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 13. His name was Constant Teen.

Полезные советы дают те, кто уже не может подать дурного примера.

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.

- Siento que ya no me escuchas cuando te hablo.
- El verde te sienta mejor.

I don't like old songs. They remind me of how stupid I was that year.

My girlfriend has a glass eye. She's the one eye love.

My refrigerator has quite a temper.. I accidentally left the door open and it totally losts it's cool.

The guy couldn't find anything to buy in the adult toy store no matter how hard he shopped.

What’s the difference between Jelly and Jam?
You can’t jelly a stick up someone’s ass !

I’ve just taken a DNA test and it shows that I’m 20 percent Vampire!!
I’m so ashamed I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore.

A band member from the group Boston went to the dentist, he had more than a filling.

My cousin was arrested for stealing an electric car.

He was released due to a lack of an adequate charge.

Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!

The worst feeling during a prostate exam is two hands on your shoulders.

'Why does Beyoncé sing "To the left, to the left"?'
Because women don't have any rights.