Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Went to a disco for the blind.
I danced like nobody was watching.

In order to be a smart ass, you must be smart. Otherwise your just an ass!

Life rule: If you feel comfortable alone, you are a powerful individual.

When the glacier was asked for an opinion on global warming, it replied 'I dunno, I've never really thawed about it.'

При строительстве европейского дома мы оказались в роли обманутых дольщиков.

Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn't a real sport.

Сначала ты откладываешь дела на вечер, а потом нахуй.

What happens when a famous super spy becomes homeless?
“The name’s bond— Vagabond.”

What's a British spy's secret fetish?
Bondage, James Bondage.

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.
But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

A Chinese man, a communist and a spy walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.

Q: Why did the spy cross the road?
A: Because he was never on your side.

How did the german spy get caught?
He went into a pub in London and ordered two whiskeys.

The bartender asked him: "Dry?"

To which he replied: "Nein, zwei"

American spy goes undercover to a Russian university as a student
After one semester he is expelled. His supervisor asks him what happened.

- I don’t understand! Everyone goes to the sauna, I go to the sauna too. Everyone goes drinking, I go drinking too. Everyone gets hookers, I get hookers too. Everyone passed their exams, I didn’t.

My wife thinks I should become a spy...
She says I'm naturally good at moving in and out unnoticed.

As I sat there scratching my ass, and spying on my neighbor washing her beaver, one thing crossed my mind.
We have really weird pets in my neighborhood.

What is a dog’s favorite spy movie?
Mission im-paw-sible.

Your spy name is:
Your last name, followed by a brief pause and then your first and last name.

Some people believe Monica Lewinsky was a Russian Spy. She would inform the Kremlin on what came out of the President’s head.
They were however unhappy when she blew the whole operation.

How did the Russian spy distract the guard?
By stallin.

The three most well-known spy agencies are the CIA, KGB, and MI5.
The rest are good.

My friend called me at work the other day and told me he was changing his name to Spinal Column.
I told him I’d call him Back.

Еврейский Робин Гуд тоже отбирал деньги у богатых и отдавал их бедным.
Под небольшой процент.

"Does my uniform make me look fat?"
- Insecurity guard

Идеальная жена – это та, которая говорит:
- У меня болит голова, давай её полечим сексом.

I was at my local tennis club today and a young man came up to me and said "I'm a ball boy"
I said "Are you? I'm more of a tit man myself but whatever floats your boat!"

Правда – это изобретение маньяков: колет глаза и режет уши.

"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a spy."
"Well why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
"I'm a shepherd spy."

Y'all better enjoy your 20s, 30s, and 40s.
Because in your 50s, that check engine light is gonna come on.

Chuck Norris still gets free CDs and cassettes from Columbia House. He never subscribed.

Раньше тётя Хая, чтобы хорошо спать, всегда брала на ночь в постель любимую мягкую игрушку, сейчас - любимую твёрдую.

That's the last time i call the cocaine addiction help centre.

They told me they were busy and to try another line!

Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.

If you sneeze near an atheist do they say "science appreciates you"?

- Сёма, ты кудой?
- К Лёве, айпад прошить.
- Сёма,ты шо,порвал чужой айпад?..

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
— Napoleon Bonaparte

I took my stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow but it didn’t fetch much.

Jack Daniels once took a shot of Chuck Norris… and still has a hangover to this day.

I have recently started sleeping in our fireplace.
Now I sleep like a log.

Говорят, деньги, смех и секс продлевают жизнь. Помогите, кто чем может!

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

Chuck Norris has never filled out an online form because Chuck Norris never submits.

How do clothes get along?
Fit in.

Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.
So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:
-Is Crimea ours?
-Yes, it is.
-And the Donbas?
-Also ours.
-And Kyiv?
-We got that too.
Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:
-Thanks, how much do I owe you?
-5 euros.

Why don't socks smoke?.........
The can't find a match.

In Florida, they grow special marijuana for the Crocodiles...
Helps keep them quiet and non menacing...
it is called Croc Pot..

Tener el celular en silencio es lindo, hasta que olvidas donde lo dejaste.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat.
Ramen .

A friend of mine is always going on about photography jokes. You just can’t shutter up.

Rivers are so lazy

They never get out of their beds.

I own intelligent farm animals! One's learned to drive a boat! I’d show you, but unfortunately that sheep has already sailed.

Q: Why was the Viking ship so cheap?
A: It was on sail.

Q: Who is Thor’s favorite singer?
A: MC Hammer.

Q: Why did it take Thor so long to find his brother?
A: He couldn’t Lokite him.

Q: Why was Thor avoiding his brother?
A: He Odin money.

Q: What does every Viking do on their birthday?
A: They get older!

Q: What do Vikings play when they’re on a long journey?
A: Cards – because they always have a deck.

Гинеколог – это опустившийся лор.

Удачная шутка – это когда её все догнали, а шутника потом не догнали.

Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking.

What did the Viking say when hanging out his laundry?
"Today is a good day to dry."

Why did the viking buy an old boat ?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.

What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.

Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla.

What does a Viking call his truck?
A Fjord.

Q: How do Vikings get each other's attention?
A: They ValHolla!

Musical viking = Vising.
Viking ok motorcycle = Biking.
Viking that rules = ViKing.
Viking with glasses =Veyeking.
Viking that is leaving = Byeking.
Viking that enjoys = Liking.
Viking who lies = Lieking.
Viking in forest = Hiking.
Viking with weed = Highking.
Viking in air = Skying.

What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box.

What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.

Where do Vikings go when they get old?

The Norsing home.

Roman soldiers are trained.

But Vikings are Bjorn.

What do you call a Viking who’s been bitten by a vampire?

Norseferatu.

What is a Viking’s favorite music?

Ragnarock.

Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery.

My friends and I are starting a disco group.

We’ll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.

We call ourselves: The Pillage People.

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

Wanna here a joke about Vikings?

Never mind, there’s Norway you’d laugh at it.

My girlfriend said if I don’t stop my obsession with Viking culture she’ll fight me to the death.
“Jokes on you,” I said. “If I die in battle, I’ll go straight to Valhalla.”

Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn’t bring back the ugly ones.

I was digging in the back garden when I came across a horde of Viking coins.
I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife.
Until I remembered why I was digging.