Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.

Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.

After three months of drinking warm water with lemon and honey, I lost 5 kg of lemon and 2 kg honey.

No romance on my wedding night,
We will count our money.

Вы не замечали, что частенько если о чём-то говорят «нет аналогов в мире» это то же самое, что и «нахуй никому не нужно»?

Chuck Norris collected his money left to him by the Nigerian Prince.

Momma Flower & Papa Flower unexpectedly had a Little Flower.

It was an Oopsy Daisy!

Baby Shark can't get Chuck Norris out of his head.

Mary had a little lamb, and two nurses in the delivery room passed out.

I quit knitting class-the teacher was quite crochety and thought I was a knit-wit. Goodbye crewel world.

Chuck Norris can eat at Taco Bell and NOT get diarrhea.

Chuck Norris went to Walmart, and opened all the registers.

Having sex before going to work makes you feel like a manager.
I almost fired my boss today.

Что делать, если любовник думает, что у тебя есть любовник?

She : Did Eve ever have a date with Adam?

Me : Nope, just an apple.

The older I get…the tighter companies are putting lids on jars.

I’m starting a restaurant that can put flambé desserts in a doggy bag. I’m calling it “Carryouts of Fire”

FUN FACT:
Lemons were not naturally made, so life didn’t give us lemons, we gave lemons life.

Antique clocks with no hands are timeless masterpieces.

I don't want to rank the Great Lakes from best to worst, but one of them is definitely Superior.

When a telescope bangs into a microscope you get a kaleidoscope..

I just got my dream job in cell phone sales. I always knew this was my calling.

They say 1 in 3 people are unfaithful in a relationship, I'm just not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

Wrestling is so stupid...

Men with no pants, fighting for a belt.

WARNING: If you get a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

Plaese warm yu frends!

Why did the horses that were tired of living in the city move to the country?

They wanted to get back to neighture.

-Doctor, me muero.
-¿Tiene usted cita?

How do you make your dishwasher a floor cleaner?
Ans: Give her the mop

There was a farmer who raised his cows to be superheroes. He was legend dairy.

I went to a jeweler who talks extremely loud...He made my earring.

Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

It’s been revealed that Greece has been selling fake cement to one of its own islands.
It seems that they were trying to con Crete.

Have you heard the one about the communist cat?

..... he wouldn't shut up about Mao.

Hear about the hen that lost her job? She was laid off.

Baby are you a SQL database? cause I wanna INSERT some data into you!

My visit to the barbershop was a hair razing experience.

Me: “What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?”
My fiddle playing cousin: “A six pack of beer.”

She : Your grammar's pathetic.

Me : Oh yeah? Well, your grandpa's no better either.

I pulled my hair into a ponytail today, but the pony kicked me and galloped away.

The number 7 is undereighted.

They say you should always eat before going to the grocery store, so you don't spend as much. That doesn't work with a liquor store.

It took me years to realize that when someone says "hold your horses" they're telling me to be stable.

Boobs are the happy place for a sad face.
-Unknown.

I can't speak for anyone else, but discussions about gravity really weigh me down.

I wasn't too happy that my doctor told me to cut down on my constant dancing, so I just grabbed my coat, and waltzed right out of there.

The postman left me a note to say my package was too large.
My wife disagrees.

A pot watched by Chuck Norris boils immediately.

'm such an introvert that if I ever have to draw attention I draw it on paper.

I was named Chief Speaker at the Society of Introverts.
Thank God no-one showed up.

Did you hear about the golf club for introverts?
They had to close within the first year because nobody showed up.

Why did the introvert cross the road?
Fuck you leave me alone.

As an introvert I don't get the phrase "go big or go home"
Why the hell would I want to go big when i'm allowed to go home and be alone.

Why did the introvert polish his shoes regularly?
So he could look at others' faces.

Why didn't the two introverts go camping?
Because it's two fucking in tents.

What do Introverts do when they mess up a joke?
Introvise .

How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts?
"LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"

What'd I say to my introvert friends who were jerking off alone in separate rooms?
"C'mon, pull yourselves together!"

Q: How much does the average introvert weigh?
A: Not enough to break the ice.

The First Rule of Introvert Club is...
Don’t speak.

I'm in a band called The Introverted Pessimists.
You've probably never heard of us, but that's fine.

Introverts Rise Up!
Separately, in your own homes!

You think you are introverted?
Wait until you never meet me.

An introvert walks into a bar...
My bad, I was thinking of someone else. The introvert stayed at home.

I know an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry.
He mined his own business.

Why did the introverted mushroom decide to go to more parties?
Because everyone told him he was a fungi.

A vegan and an introvert walk into a room which one tells you what they are first?
None; the person who hasn't watched "a single episode of Game of Thrones" beat them to it.

If half the population really are introverts...... why haven't I met any?

Here's an idea you can use to get some time alone as an introvert.
Just cough once and tell them how amazing the china trip was.

Q: How to spot an introvert in a crowd ?
A: Please don't.

An introvert walks into a bar...
Then immediately walks out because fuck that shit.

I'm such an introvert that I keep a gun next to my bed to shoot myself when a thief enters my house just because I don't wanna go with the process of meeting him.

Research done on introvertsmrevealed nothing.

Погода оставляла желать лучшего. Оставляла, оставляла, но так и не оставила.

Sex for introverts is another opportunity to go inside.

AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE AN INTROVERT PARTY, CUZ AN INTROVERT PARTY...
Don’t start.

Q: How do you kill an introvert?
A: Starve him to death by putting another person in the kitchen.

How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?

What's the difference between introverted and extroverted engineers?
The extroverted engineer looks at *your* shoes...

So I went to the doctors this morning...
I said to the receptionist: "I need to see a doctor because I've had a voodoo curse put on me".
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"Yes, he will do.", I said.

Have you met Post Malone's introvert brother?
Leave M'Alone.