Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Local ballet school took part in a charity football match. It ended up 2-2.

A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet. I’m going to see their production of swine lake.

Chuck Norris knocks his cat's stuff off the shelf.

The fear of spiders is arachnophobia, there fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, the fear of Chuck Norris is just common sense.

- Да ладно, мы же не каждую пятницу пьём. - Просто ты не каждую помнишь!

Не покупайте с рук Рембрандта, могут подсунуть Рубенса.

The robbers jumped in their vehicle, went through the car wash, and made a clean getaway.

I've always considered myself to be an amazing lover.
Then I found out that she had asthma.

Если женщина говорит: "Ты только не волнуйся", значит, волноваться уже поздно...

So I'm gonna quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money.
I estimate I'll be home again around 10pm this evening.

Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships loaded with potatoes? Everybody knows you can't eat just one potato ship.

There's a new movie coming out about bass fishing.
The cast is amazing!

I just saw my signature made out of metal.
It was definitely forged!

I'm glad there is a "Mothers' Day" at least 1 time per year... But humbled that there are 52 "Son-days" per year!

Ухаживают богатые и успешные. Все остальные домагаются.

You would think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but I hear they can’t keep their heads above water.

Hear about the guy who went on an onion diet? Lost 2 pounds and 12 friends.

Почему за женскую жопу на фоне храма дают 10 месяцев, а за экономическую жопу на фоне всей страны ничего не дают?

Кто забывает историю, тому поправляют географию.

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

"A bad day only lasts 24 hours."

Unknown

— Мама, а шо, когда я вырасту, я тоже буду евреем, как папа и дядя Лейба?

— Ой, Додик, как папа — таки ещё куда ни шло. А как дядя Лейба — та не дай Бог!

Sherlock Holmes doesnt need to look at the TV schedules, he knows Watson.

Our local financial institution invited me to open a savings account there.

Due to a lack of INTEREST, I decided not to….

Наставления от тёти Песи.
- Деточка,таки я тебе умоляю! Хочешь быть счастливой - таки будь ею! Главное,шоб муж не узнал..

Роза по телефону.
- Ой,Циля,шо тут было.. Вчера воевала с депрессией. Друзья таки подносили боеприпасы..

- Сёма, привет, ты как?
- Лучше...
- Лучше, чем когда?
- Таки, лучше не спрашивай..

Вся жизнь - симфонический оркестр, а ты в нём треугольник.

- Абрам, с твоей Сарой спит вся Одесса!
- Ну и шо с того? Если я захочу, я тоже буду с ней спать.

When The Edge was at school, he was a border.

From now on, the proper gender neutral term for sugar daddy or sugar mama will be glucose guardian.

My friend and I tried to sneak into the dinosaur exhibit for free, but the security guards saur us.

- Знаете, Фима, в конце концов я понял: лучше жены таки никого не найти..
- И шо?
- Осталось тока найти жену..

My niece calls me Ankle.

I call her my Knees.

My wife thinks it’s weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
- It would be a lot less weird if she’d just let me in!

A new element has been added to the periodic table designated with the letters AH. It is of course the element of surprise.

- Боря,и как ты можешь говорить, шо перфекционист, если у тебя дома такой бардак?
- Раечка,это, таки, идеальный бардак..

I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the “Why aren’t you wearing pants?” look.

The more I get to know people,
the more I realise,
Why Noah Only Let Animals On The Boat.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did... but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

- Сын, как ты умудрился получить двойку?
- Пап, тут два варианта: или гены, или просчеты в воспитании.

I saw my first porn film last week.

I couldn’t believe how young I looked.

Заходят как-то в бар госизменник, экcтpeмист и айтишник, а бармен ему и говорит: "Гамарджоба!"

Surely, not everyone was kung fu fighting?

- Ваше хобби?
- Кулинария.
- Готовите?
- Жру.

Lady was telling her friend she didn't like the new slim cut bikini bottom: " It's not all it's cracked up to be."

Who says, “zzub zzub zzub?”
A bee flying backward.

I once dated a girl with a wooden leg, but then I broke it off.

I went to my doctor yesterday and he told me i hsve hypochondria.

I said, “Oh no, not that, too!”

Ralph's cell phone didn't work very well in prison. It was only getting one bar.

Tennis players grunt too much when they play.
There's no need for that racket.

My wife is upset with me for never putting the toilet seat down. To be honest, I’m getting tired of carrying it around.

I haven't slept in 10 days.

Good thing I sleep at night

Умер раввин, попал в рай, и спрашивает Бога:
— Господи, расскажи, как ты сотворил вселенную?
— Сингулярность, потом Большой Взрыв, экспоненциальное расширение... Физики ваши, в принципе, всё верно поняли.
— А как же ты сотворил всё живое?
— Ну как... Сперва абиогенез, потом мир РНК, дальше эволюция, клетки, потом многоклеточные организмы...
— А человека ты как сотворил, Господи?
— Слушай, это же ещё Дарвин описал. Сперва приматы, потом использование орудий, речь, прямохождение... Ты что, школу прогуливал?
— Господи, но ведь в Торе написано про семь дней, про сотворение человека из глины...
— А как бы ты сам, ребе, если бы оказался тогда на горе Синайской, объяснил бы безграмотным пастухам с бронзовыми мечами — про кварк-глюонную плазму, ДНК и естественный отбор?

My inflatable house got a puncture last night.

Now I'm living in a flat.

Six more people have been hit over the head with aroma-free purple flowers. I am so tired of all the scentless violets these days.

I joined a support group for people who talk too much.
On & On Anon.

My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate.

I have only 50k in my bank account but without the potassium.

“The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.”
– J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

Did you hear about the North Korean disco?
It had lots of funk, but very little Seoul.

If two online friends meet each other first time in real world in disco club...
... can we say that they disconnected?

How did dancers in the 70s stay on their feet at a disco?
With the grooves in their sole!

Late last night I walked into a really dodgy looking Disco named Medusa's.
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

What substance do they make disco floors out of?
Getdowntonite.

At a Down Syndrome disco...
...Do you think they have a slow dance?

There was a scared Spanish man at a club.
Hispanic at the disco.

I ran into a dance club for people with back problems.
It was called the Slipped Disco.

When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me.
I was never scared though, I loved disco music.

The Italian government has cancelled the town of Ferno’s annual fiesta.
This year there’ll be no disco in ferno.

I just got back from a bulimic disco.
The place was heaving!

What do you call 500 epileptics at a disco?
A foam party!

I hosted a silent disco party in my apartment.
I got a complaint from the mime next door.

Why did the police officer arrest the disco dancer?
Because he was killing the dance floor.

We got in trouble at school for starting up a silent disco.
The principal said it wasn’t aloud.

I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.

What do you call a mosh pit at a disco?
A Cluster Funk.

I walked into a disco, and there were Orcs, Trolls, and Nazgûl doing their best moves.
It was Mordor on the dance floor.

What's the difference between someone out in the sun all day and a large-haired disco dancer with colorful perspiration?
One sweats profusely and the other fro-sweats pucely.

My friends and I started an emo salsa band.
We call ourselves HisPanic at the Disco.