Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I have a problem with premature ejaculation.
I know it came out of nowhere but i wanted to share it with everyone.

I went to a conference on premature ejaculation the other week...
Got there 5 minutes early but the conference had already finished.

I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.

A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.

A man goes to the urologist. He walks in, takes down his pants and takes out his member.

"Doctor, doctor I have a problem. My wife says I'm premature."

"Premature? I'd say she has a point, I'm only the receptionist. Hold on a minute, the doctor will se you in a bit."

There was a brothel and the workers were all dwarfs. It was losing business though, as the main gigolo had an issue with premature ejactulation.
I guess it was just a shortcoming.

I opened a club for premature ejaculators.
It didn't last long.

Me: Omg is this a horror movie?!

Him: It’s our wedding video.

What does a premature ejaculator and a blind man have in common ?
They never see it coming.

Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?
I think he got off easy.

So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere
That’s it... that’s the whole fucking joke.

I just read an article about premature ejaculation during masturbation.
It might come in handy.

Чтобы снизить количество вредных выбросов, руководство металлургического комбината запретило в столовой гороховый суп.

Saw a guy painting pictures of bikes on a local church ceiling. Cycleangelo.

What does a drum solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
You know what's coming but there's fuck all you can do about it.

I told a joke about premature ejaculation, but nobody laughed.
...What, too soon?

I went to the premature ejaculation support group and nobody was there.
Turns out I came too early.

I called the premature ejaculation support group to find out what the dress code was.
Apparently, most members just come in their pants.

So I just bought a new Ford Siesta, taking it back next week, effin thing wont start between 2pm and 5pm.

Apparently, it’s only appropriate to say “look at you! You’ve gotten so big!“ to children.
Adults tend to get offended.
I know that now.

If there is nothing left, is it alright?

What kind of shoes do kidnapers wear?
White Vans.

What did one Astronaut say to other Astronaut -

Let's have Launch.

My friend Saul is a chef whose signature dish combines meat and fruit.

It's called Saul's berry steak.

Diamond companies
mine their own business

Someone told me that I will never forget them.

Now I can't remember who said that to me.

The brain is the most outstanding organ in the body. It works 24 hours per day, 365 days per year. From birth, until you marry .

I just told my new girlfriend that I suffer from premature ejaculation...Fair play to her though she took it on the chin.

The problem with retirement is...

You never get a day off.

I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.

I thought to myself, "I don't have time for this shit."

My wife said, “You’re not the dumbest guy in the world.” I thought, “Not bad!” Then she added, “But you better hope he doesn’t die!”

–Voy al súper. ¿Qué pilas compro?
–AAA.
–Vale, vale. Ya lo averiguo yo.

Chuck Norris can fix stupid!

- Наум Маркович, ви таки очень взрослый и уже всё знаете. Вот какая разница между влюблённым мужчиной и женатым?
- Вот шо я отвечу, Гриша, за ваш интерес. Влюблённый мужчина не находит слов, а женатый... таки да, не успевает их вставить...

Two skunks entered the church service and said, "let us spray."

Woman: I need money to pay some bills.
Man: I'll give you $10,000 for sex the way I like it.
Woman: how do you like it?
Man: on credit.

Pun of the day. What’s black and yellow and flies at 30,000 feet?
A bee on an airplane.

When you pull Chuck Norris's finger - YOU fart.

What do you call a broadcast about tears?
Streams.

So I wrote a book about dieting.

I think it will appeal to a wide audience.

For those of you lacking a uniform mixture of two or more substances, I have a solution.

William the epileptic goes to the butchers. He pays with a ten dollar note but then goes into a seizure.
The butcher says "Not another counter fit Bill"

Sailor 1: “Man overboard!”

Sailor 2: “Quick, throw him a bar of soap so that he’ll be washed ashore.”

You're not strong until you hold a fart while you're getting head.

Bugs Bunny went into the barbershop. He asked to get a hare cut.

My wife suggested that we go out to a restaurant for a dinner date.
I said no as I don't date married women with kids.

I have no clocks downstairs. My time is up.

How do you know that you can use mozzarella as glue? Because mozzarella sticks.

I read a book titled 'Getting In' by Doris Open.

I had shrimp fried rice last night. I didnt even know shrimps could cook.

I was going to get tested for ADD, but got distracted.

Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you.

DOCTOR: Is this your stool sample?

IKEA SALESMAN: It's called a bekväm.

A tornado is the one weather that both sucks and blows.

I once read a book titled 'Unemployment' by Anita Job.

What’s the worst thing you could hear during open heart surgery?

Anything!

My wife and I were talking of gender , and pronouns,
She said she identifys as “ she/ her”, because she is a female
and that I should Idenitify as “ he/haw”
Because I’m a jackass.

What do you call an equal carnival?
Fair.

There’s a curling competition just a stone’s throw from my house.

So when two men fly a plane it’s called a Cockpit!
So when two women fly the same plane is it called a Box Office?

A dog isn't disobedient during his walk.
He's renegotiating the terms of his leash.

С медицинской точки зрения, отечественная внутренняя политика - это уринотерапия в глаза. Внешняя - против ветра.

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .
"I vish to buy sex viz you."
"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."
Helmut agrees.
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."
The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.
"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."
This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.
"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).
But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it's several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"
"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique.

A man killed his best friend.
He was charged with homiecide.

I’ve just heard that vandals have stolen the F from the Funfair sign in our town. Now that is just unfair.

Ты пускаешь людей в свой внутренний космос, а они тырят твой вакуум.

I won a gold medal at the World weather forecasting championship.I beat the raining champion.

No brain is stronger than its weakest think.

Wait, so lesbians cook? I thought they just ate out.

Наша экономика - словно член у гномика…

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?

I often start a conversation with a girl by saying, "I just snorted cocaine off my foot."

Cheesiest line ever.

What did the bee say to his girlfriend? “I can’t help pollen in love with you.”

"Life is like a play: it's not the length, but the excellence of the acting that matters."

- Seneca

You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

Что сказать в отношении Раскольникова и Алёны Ивановны...
Топорная работа.

Si te cansas de mí, pues descansa un rato, porque nos vamos a casar.

My friend asked me if I wanted to take a road trip to the most popular canyon in the world. I said, “that would be Grand.”

2 slices of bread got married...
It was going well till someone suggested Toasting the Bride and Groom.