Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife said, “You’re not the dumbest guy in the world.” I thought, “Not bad!” Then she added, “But you better hope he doesn’t die!”

–Voy al súper. ¿Qué pilas compro?
–AAA.
–Vale, vale. Ya lo averiguo yo.

Chuck Norris can fix stupid!

- Наум Маркович, ви таки очень взрослый и уже всё знаете. Вот какая разница между влюблённым мужчиной и женатым?
- Вот шо я отвечу, Гриша, за ваш интерес. Влюблённый мужчина не находит слов, а женатый... таки да, не успевает их вставить...

Two skunks entered the church service and said, "let us spray."

Woman: I need money to pay some bills.
Man: I'll give you $10,000 for sex the way I like it.
Woman: how do you like it?
Man: on credit.

Pun of the day. What’s black and yellow and flies at 30,000 feet?
A bee on an airplane.

When you pull Chuck Norris's finger - YOU fart.

What do you call a broadcast about tears?
Streams.

So I wrote a book about dieting.

I think it will appeal to a wide audience.

For those of you lacking a uniform mixture of two or more substances, I have a solution.

William the epileptic goes to the butchers. He pays with a ten dollar note but then goes into a seizure.
The butcher says "Not another counter fit Bill"

Sailor 1: “Man overboard!”

Sailor 2: “Quick, throw him a bar of soap so that he’ll be washed ashore.”

You're not strong until you hold a fart while you're getting head.

Bugs Bunny went into the barbershop. He asked to get a hare cut.

My wife suggested that we go out to a restaurant for a dinner date.
I said no as I don't date married women with kids.

I have no clocks downstairs. My time is up.

How do you know that you can use mozzarella as glue? Because mozzarella sticks.

I read a book titled 'Getting In' by Doris Open.

I had shrimp fried rice last night. I didnt even know shrimps could cook.

I was going to get tested for ADD, but got distracted.

Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you.

DOCTOR: Is this your stool sample?

IKEA SALESMAN: It's called a bekväm.

A tornado is the one weather that both sucks and blows.

I once read a book titled 'Unemployment' by Anita Job.

What’s the worst thing you could hear during open heart surgery?

Anything!

My wife and I were talking of gender , and pronouns,
She said she identifys as “ she/ her”, because she is a female
and that I should Idenitify as “ he/haw”
Because I’m a jackass.

What do you call an equal carnival?
Fair.

There’s a curling competition just a stone’s throw from my house.

So when two men fly a plane it’s called a Cockpit!
So when two women fly the same plane is it called a Box Office?

A dog isn't disobedient during his walk.
He's renegotiating the terms of his leash.

С медицинской точки зрения, отечественная внутренняя политика - это уринотерапия в глаза. Внешняя - против ветра.

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .
"I vish to buy sex viz you."
"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."
Helmut agrees.
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."
The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.
"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."
This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.
"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).
But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it's several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"
"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique.

A man killed his best friend.
He was charged with homiecide.

I’ve just heard that vandals have stolen the F from the Funfair sign in our town. Now that is just unfair.

Ты пускаешь людей в свой внутренний космос, а они тырят твой вакуум.

I won a gold medal at the World weather forecasting championship.I beat the raining champion.

No brain is stronger than its weakest think.

Wait, so lesbians cook? I thought they just ate out.

Наша экономика - словно член у гномика…

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?

I often start a conversation with a girl by saying, "I just snorted cocaine off my foot."

Cheesiest line ever.

What did the bee say to his girlfriend? “I can’t help pollen in love with you.”

"Life is like a play: it's not the length, but the excellence of the acting that matters."

- Seneca

You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

Что сказать в отношении Раскольникова и Алёны Ивановны...
Топорная работа.

Si te cansas de mí, pues descansa un rato, porque nos vamos a casar.

My friend asked me if I wanted to take a road trip to the most popular canyon in the world. I said, “that would be Grand.”

2 slices of bread got married...
It was going well till someone suggested Toasting the Bride and Groom.

So I feel so strongly about Graffiti in public toilets...
I’ve signed a partition.

I wasn’t sure how to spell “Bismarck”, but fortunately my phone had Otto-correct.

Все, что важно, не бывает срочно. Все, что срочно — только суета.

Сян-Цзы

В еврейском издании «Камасутры» на всех картинках есть ещё и мама, которая таки даёт ценные советы.

Q: What give ballerinas their energy?
A: Batterie power.

Q: Why did the ballet dancer stop arguing with her instructor?
A: He had a fair pointe….

So my plumber is doing this Christmas-time ballet....
He's calling it the Buttcracker.

I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.

I once dated twin sisters who were ballet dancers.
Sure they were attractive, but I was drawn more to two tutus.

I watched a video showing the highlights of cattle doing ballet, two things I love.
It was the best of bull twirls.

I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique.
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.

- Что такое «эксгибиционист»?
- Ты чё, совсем дремучий? Эксгибиционист – это бывший гибиционист.

Why is it so easy to talk to ballet dancers?
They always get right to the pointe!

How many dancer teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five! Six! Seven! Eight!

I don’t break the rules, I just modify them to suit my needs.

Можно ли пылесосом высосать глаз?
Ну, с мозгом, я смотрю, у тебя это прекрасно получилось.

What did the ballet teacher advise Yoda?
Tendu or tendu not, there is no trying.

What happens when a computer is crossed with a ballet dancer?
The Netcracker suite.

Why was the ballet dancer late to class?
Because she wore her leotardy.

What do ballet dancers feel like when they cannot find their shoe?
Looking for it is pointeless.

What do ballet dancers perform when they are overweight?
'Dance of the sugar plump fairy.'

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!"

The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country you fucking towelhead"

He realizes that it's her birthday while driving home from work. Frantically he pulls over at the first toy store he sees and runs inside. He runs up to the clerk and says
"I need a present for my daughter, she likes dolls, do you have any?"
"Sure," the clerk says "we have plenty of barbies. We have Ballet Barbie for 19.95, Veteranarian Barbie for 19.95, Lawyer Barbie for 19.95, and Divorced Barbie for 195.95." The man screams,
"WHAT! Why is divorced Barbie so much more expensive?"
"Well, divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, house, and half of his money.

I saw a ballet themed porn the other day.
It was 'Fucking en Pointe'.

I finally figured out why your sister is not a ballet dancer...
Because every time she does a split, she sticks to the floor.

I used to buy second hand ballet equipment from ebay.
I still do but I used tutu.

Если он бурчит, значит голодный, и неважно, желудок это или муж.

My Polish grandmother used to perform for a ballet company...
It was always awkward listening to her Pole Dancing stories.

A friend told me that he stays alert because of his ballet classes. They keep him on his toes.

A ballet dancer friend of mine recently had twins. He’s now a pas de deux.