Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you do when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie.

Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Of Corsican.

- Борик, ты после женитьбы так похудел и осунулся! Она шо тебя таки совсем не кормит?!
- Мама, свадьба была только вчера…

I hate it when my wife keeps telling me that I don’t get it. I mean, what does it even mean?

—¿Cuánto hace que no sales por ahí?
—Eres el astronauta más tonto que conozco.

Hugo asked me if I’d seen the movie ‘Tractor’. I replied, “No, but I’ve seen the trailer”

—¿Te vienes a un glory hole?
—¿Por fuera o por dentro?

The students in my geography class never seem to remember where São Paulo is.
I have told them a brazillion times.

Don't let anyone hurt you twice.

My wife asked, "Do you know any tennis puns?"
I said "No, they're not really my forte love!"

The ancient Greeks buried the dead with coins to pay for transport across the River Styx . This was the first cryptocurrency .

No one has said a word about Bruce Lee’s mom, Apparent Lee.

What would bears be without bees? Just ears.

What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus wiping out Clingons.

- Ах, Абрам! Даже не знаю, как выразить вам свою благодарность!
- Дорогой мой! С тех пор, как человечество изобрело деньги - это перестало быть проблемой.

I'm starting a business to teach short people math.
It's called, "Making the little things count."

Волшебник отличается от сказочника убедительным материальным превосходством.

At my funeral, I’d like a friend to take my cell phone and text everyone,
“Thanks so much for coming!”

I've had it with Bruce Lee jokes. Complete Lee.

"If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." - Walt Twitman

Гуманитарии женятся по любви, потому что по расчету им сложно. По расчету математики. Юристы по договору.

How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me.

If you currently have a voodoo doll of me
Please scratch its balls for me, I'm at a meeting and it's really uncomfortable. Thanks.

I went to a voodoo prostitute last night.
Didn't manage to get laid but got a little head...

Things always have a way of going badly for me.
I tried to use pins on a voodoo doll that looks like my mother in law and I ended up curing her arthritis with acupuncture.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm in public. Thanks.

My buddy said he made a voodoo doll of me.
I think he's pulling my leg.

Once I forgot to bring my ventriloquist dummy to a show and I had use a voodoo doll of myself.
It was a pain in the hole.

To whoever has my voodoo doll,
please hold its hand.

I stuck pins in a voodoo doll of my arch enemy.
I managed to cure his backache and help him quit smoking.

В недрах Тундры выдры в гетрах тырят в ведра ядра кедров. Выдрав с выдры в Тундре гетры, вытру выдрой ядра кедра, вытру гетрой выдре морду - ядра в вёдра, выдру в Тундру.

—Nadie es imprescindible.
—No puedo empezar la boda sin la novia, lo siento.
—Sé poner voces.
—QUE NO.

I saw this really cute girl at the bank. But she was flirting with some other guy. Really lowered my interest rate.

What do they call pastors in Berlin?

German Shepherds.

Why did the bee got married ?
Coz it found it's honey.

My dog ran into a pine tree, now he’s wearing a cone!

-Cariño, he perdido dos kilos.
-No te olvides de lavarte.

I love lending my car to people, now people call me calendar.

My business creating men’s shirts out of vegetables has gone bankrupt. There just weren’t enough guys wanting crop tops.

An arctic survey is called the north poll.

I have a pet manatee named Hugh. I built him a house. It's a habitat for Hugh manatee.

Did you hear about the guy who changed his name to Authorized Personnel?
It opened a lot of doors for him.

Well, it was funny until you got mad.

Now it’s hilarious!

I have always licked my knife when I've finished. This gets some very shocked looks from the other surgeons.

I like to bowl, but all he's interested in is spooning;
knive given up! Pass
the cereal please!

Chuck Norris would make socialism work everywhere he tried it.

What is a cannibal's favorite soup?

Raw Men.

I may look normal but I unfollow celebrities when they don't follow back.

My uncle was a firefighter. He just retired after an extinguished career.

Long is shorter than short.
Short is longer than long.
What the . . .

I saw an ad touting "less time traveling" as a benefit of online banking.
I don't think I can time travel any less than I do now.

Everyone in my entire family is a Gemini. The chances of that happening are astrological.

Invisible man seeks transparent woman to do things never seen before...

BAR & BRA
Same letters
Different words
But Both Keep Men Eagerly Waiting Till They Open.

I took my dog to the park today and played Frisbee with him...
He was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.

Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar..

My life is a joke.

My niece calls me Ankle. I call her my Knees. That's how we go out on a limb in my family.

How can you tell if rabbits are getting old? You find grey hares.

Самое сложное было добиться графу Шереметеву от актёров крепостного театра,
чтобы артисты крепостного театра раскрепостились!

I regret buying that straitjacket now... I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn't pull it off.

So a vehicle full of photography equipment has crashed.

Police say the driver lost focus.

I may be a problem, but if
you're LUCKY, I could be your problem.

Зачем мне искать половинку, чтобы меня было полтора?

Most people know of the Greek Goddess of Love, Aphrodite. Less well known is her older, more practical sister, the Goddess of Getting Things Done, Expedite.

My dog is named Curiosity. I no longer have a cat.

If you can't make yourself happy,
make others sad and angry.

I didn't know how to spell 'plagiarised' so I copied and pasted it.....

A navy eye doctor told a sailor that he needed surgery. He replied, "Aye aye sir!"

Premature ejaculation is pretty similar to hide-and-go-seek.
Whether they're ready or not, you're still gonna come.

Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation?
Both of them only need a couple of tugs.

So I was listening to the radio the other day and an ad came on: “Do you suffer from premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction?”
And I thought to myself, “No but my girlfriend probably does.”

I told the job interviewer I had premature ejaculation.
Apparently that's not what he meant by 'shortcomings'.

Does Santa have a problem with premature ejaculation?
I keep hearing about how sometimes he comes early.

I ordered a book online about premature ejaculation
It came in the mail.

It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much
Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.

What do you call a military man's premature ejaculation?
A dishonorable discharge.

Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.

I heard there’s been a lot of jokes in our premature ejaculation support group lately.
But when I came, everyone just shut up.

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Years!" he shouts. "Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away." "Sorry," the guy apologizes. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations."

Premature ejaculator seeks lady for short term fling.
Lady in question must have large breasts, full lips, a nice ass and... OH GOD... never mind...