Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

—Nadie es imprescindible.
—No puedo empezar la boda sin la novia, lo siento.
—Sé poner voces.
—QUE NO.

I saw this really cute girl at the bank. But she was flirting with some other guy. Really lowered my interest rate.

What do they call pastors in Berlin?

German Shepherds.

Why did the bee got married ?
Coz it found it's honey.

My dog ran into a pine tree, now he’s wearing a cone!

-Cariño, he perdido dos kilos.
-No te olvides de lavarte.

I love lending my car to people, now people call me calendar.

My business creating men’s shirts out of vegetables has gone bankrupt. There just weren’t enough guys wanting crop tops.

An arctic survey is called the north poll.

I have a pet manatee named Hugh. I built him a house. It's a habitat for Hugh manatee.

Did you hear about the guy who changed his name to Authorized Personnel?
It opened a lot of doors for him.

Well, it was funny until you got mad.

Now it’s hilarious!

I have always licked my knife when I've finished. This gets some very shocked looks from the other surgeons.

I like to bowl, but all he's interested in is spooning;
knive given up! Pass
the cereal please!

Chuck Norris would make socialism work everywhere he tried it.

What is a cannibal's favorite soup?

Raw Men.

I may look normal but I unfollow celebrities when they don't follow back.

My uncle was a firefighter. He just retired after an extinguished career.

Long is shorter than short.
Short is longer than long.
What the . . .

I saw an ad touting "less time traveling" as a benefit of online banking.
I don't think I can time travel any less than I do now.

Everyone in my entire family is a Gemini. The chances of that happening are astrological.

Invisible man seeks transparent woman to do things never seen before...

BAR & BRA
Same letters
Different words
But Both Keep Men Eagerly Waiting Till They Open.

I took my dog to the park today and played Frisbee with him...
He was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.

Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar..

My life is a joke.

My niece calls me Ankle. I call her my Knees. That's how we go out on a limb in my family.

How can you tell if rabbits are getting old? You find grey hares.

Самое сложное было добиться графу Шереметеву от актёров крепостного театра,
чтобы артисты крепостного театра раскрепостились!

I regret buying that straitjacket now... I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn't pull it off.

So a vehicle full of photography equipment has crashed.

Police say the driver lost focus.

I may be a problem, but if
you're LUCKY, I could be your problem.

Зачем мне искать половинку, чтобы меня было полтора?

Most people know of the Greek Goddess of Love, Aphrodite. Less well known is her older, more practical sister, the Goddess of Getting Things Done, Expedite.

My dog is named Curiosity. I no longer have a cat.

If you can't make yourself happy,
make others sad and angry.

I didn't know how to spell 'plagiarised' so I copied and pasted it.....

A navy eye doctor told a sailor that he needed surgery. He replied, "Aye aye sir!"

Premature ejaculation is pretty similar to hide-and-go-seek.
Whether they're ready or not, you're still gonna come.

Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation?
Both of them only need a couple of tugs.

So I was listening to the radio the other day and an ad came on: “Do you suffer from premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction?”
And I thought to myself, “No but my girlfriend probably does.”

I told the job interviewer I had premature ejaculation.
Apparently that's not what he meant by 'shortcomings'.

Does Santa have a problem with premature ejaculation?
I keep hearing about how sometimes he comes early.

I ordered a book online about premature ejaculation
It came in the mail.

It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much
Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.

What do you call a military man's premature ejaculation?
A dishonorable discharge.

Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.

I heard there’s been a lot of jokes in our premature ejaculation support group lately.
But when I came, everyone just shut up.

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Years!" he shouts. "Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away." "Sorry," the guy apologizes. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations."

Premature ejaculator seeks lady for short term fling.
Lady in question must have large breasts, full lips, a nice ass and... OH GOD... never mind...

I have a problem with premature ejaculation.
I know it came out of nowhere but i wanted to share it with everyone.

I went to a conference on premature ejaculation the other week...
Got there 5 minutes early but the conference had already finished.

I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.

A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.

A man goes to the urologist. He walks in, takes down his pants and takes out his member.

"Doctor, doctor I have a problem. My wife says I'm premature."

"Premature? I'd say she has a point, I'm only the receptionist. Hold on a minute, the doctor will se you in a bit."

There was a brothel and the workers were all dwarfs. It was losing business though, as the main gigolo had an issue with premature ejactulation.
I guess it was just a shortcoming.

I opened a club for premature ejaculators.
It didn't last long.

Me: Omg is this a horror movie?!

Him: It’s our wedding video.

What does a premature ejaculator and a blind man have in common ?
They never see it coming.

Did you hear the one about the guy who got 6 months in jail for prematurely ejaculating?
I think he got off easy.

So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere
That’s it... that’s the whole fucking joke.

I just read an article about premature ejaculation during masturbation.
It might come in handy.

Чтобы снизить количество вредных выбросов, руководство металлургического комбината запретило в столовой гороховый суп.

Saw a guy painting pictures of bikes on a local church ceiling. Cycleangelo.

What does a drum solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
You know what's coming but there's fuck all you can do about it.

I told a joke about premature ejaculation, but nobody laughed.
...What, too soon?

I went to the premature ejaculation support group and nobody was there.
Turns out I came too early.

I called the premature ejaculation support group to find out what the dress code was.
Apparently, most members just come in their pants.

So I just bought a new Ford Siesta, taking it back next week, effin thing wont start between 2pm and 5pm.

Apparently, it’s only appropriate to say “look at you! You’ve gotten so big!“ to children.
Adults tend to get offended.
I know that now.

If there is nothing left, is it alright?

What kind of shoes do kidnapers wear?
White Vans.

What did one Astronaut say to other Astronaut -

Let's have Launch.

My friend Saul is a chef whose signature dish combines meat and fruit.

It's called Saul's berry steak.

Diamond companies
mine their own business

Someone told me that I will never forget them.

Now I can't remember who said that to me.

The brain is the most outstanding organ in the body. It works 24 hours per day, 365 days per year. From birth, until you marry .

I just told my new girlfriend that I suffer from premature ejaculation...Fair play to her though she took it on the chin.

The problem with retirement is...

You never get a day off.

I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.

I thought to myself, "I don't have time for this shit."

My wife said, “You’re not the dumbest guy in the world.” I thought, “Not bad!” Then she added, “But you better hope he doesn’t die!”