Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I got a bite the first time I went fishing. I panicked and phoned the Fisherman's Advice Bureau to see what I should do...
"Please hold the line" they said!

I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague.

The Czech engine light keeps coming on.

I just got a new shovel for my birthday,I really dig it.

Why can’t communists be trusted? They’re always Stalin stuff.

My dentist recently bought a boat. Now he’s a floating doc(k).

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective..
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.

Playing billiards... The only instance, where scratching your balls in public is not frowned upon.

I'm proud to announce that I'm still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don't know we're racing.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.

Why can’t detectives relax at seafood restaurants?
- Because everything smells fishy!

Pro tip: Show your prospective employer that you’re good at delegating responsibility by sending someone else to your job interview.

My wife wanted to disgrace me in front of her parents that I'm not good in sex.
But her sister shouted
" It's A Lie ".

I was fired from my job at the tea factory. They said I was taking too many leaves.

Times are hard for everyone but I’ve got a friend who's a dwarf and he's struggling to put food on the table.

Think I might have monkey pox I’m craving bananas and just shot a turd at a waitress.

I want to loose weight but weight doesn't wanna loose me.

A friend couldn’t tie his shoelaces, so I’ve sent him to boot camp.

В странах, где запрещён алкоголь, все помнят свой первый сексуальный опыт.

A man telling a cockroach,
" My penis is a hundred times longer than yours".
The cockroach said,
" Yet, I make your wife scream louder than you do".

No pain no gain, more pain still no gain.

Doctor said that i have 2 months to live,so I killed the doctor. Now the judge gave me 20 years of life in prison.

I've just joined a procrastinators support group.

It's called Wait Watchers.

Пока не запретили собирать подорожник, мы все имеем право на бесплатную медицину.

Went to a garage sale, started measuring the garage to see if it would fit with my new yard.

Why do bees buzz?
Because they can’t whistle.

Учительница:
- Прекрасно, Вовочка, домашнее задание выполнено без ошибок. А ты уверен, что твоему папе никто не помогал!?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

A man arrested for a pot plant at the plant that he worked claimed it was planted!

Was sleeping at my girlfriend’s house last night.
Her dad wouldn’t let us sleep in the same bed.
that really upset me because he’s actually really handsome!

I never found a problem I can't make worse.

Мы девушки недающие, но подающие надежды.

Тренер по спортивному ориентированию на местности,
оказался нетрадиционной ориентации!

Wife: You never listen to what I say.
Me : Thanks dear, on the rocks and some snacks please.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means.

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?
It helps them sea better.

Where do sailors go when they feel sick?

The dock-tor.

Why are sailors so indecisive?

Because they’re always far from shore.

When does a dog become a sailor?

When he embarks.

Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?

It’s the clam before the storm.

What is a sailor’s least favorite vegetable?

Leeks.

I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.

He was in the wrong craft.

What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
Helsinki.

This is the first dirty joke I heard about 50yrs ago.
"A pig fell in the mud".

- Понимаешь, я просто ненавижу людей, которые выглядят лучше меня.
- То есть, ты ненавидишь почти всех людей?
- Ну, в общем, да - но, например, ты мне нравишься.
- Сволочь.

The reason why it is called a bear in the stock market is because we can't bear to lose all that money.

Sorry I'm late, traffic is exactly how it's been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

The bible says you can't buy your way into heaven but there isn't a church in the country that won't encourage you to try.

Your family tree must look like a cactus... everybody on it is a prick.

What do you do when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie.

Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Of Corsican.

- Борик, ты после женитьбы так похудел и осунулся! Она шо тебя таки совсем не кормит?!
- Мама, свадьба была только вчера…

I hate it when my wife keeps telling me that I don’t get it. I mean, what does it even mean?

—¿Cuánto hace que no sales por ahí?
—Eres el astronauta más tonto que conozco.

Hugo asked me if I’d seen the movie ‘Tractor’. I replied, “No, but I’ve seen the trailer”

—¿Te vienes a un glory hole?
—¿Por fuera o por dentro?

The students in my geography class never seem to remember where São Paulo is.
I have told them a brazillion times.

Don't let anyone hurt you twice.

My wife asked, "Do you know any tennis puns?"
I said "No, they're not really my forte love!"

The ancient Greeks buried the dead with coins to pay for transport across the River Styx . This was the first cryptocurrency .

No one has said a word about Bruce Lee’s mom, Apparent Lee.

What would bears be without bees? Just ears.

What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus wiping out Clingons.

- Ах, Абрам! Даже не знаю, как выразить вам свою благодарность!
- Дорогой мой! С тех пор, как человечество изобрело деньги - это перестало быть проблемой.

I'm starting a business to teach short people math.
It's called, "Making the little things count."

Волшебник отличается от сказочника убедительным материальным превосходством.

At my funeral, I’d like a friend to take my cell phone and text everyone,
“Thanks so much for coming!”

I've had it with Bruce Lee jokes. Complete Lee.

"If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." - Walt Twitman

Гуманитарии женятся по любви, потому что по расчету им сложно. По расчету математики. Юристы по договору.

How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me.

If you currently have a voodoo doll of me
Please scratch its balls for me, I'm at a meeting and it's really uncomfortable. Thanks.

I went to a voodoo prostitute last night.
Didn't manage to get laid but got a little head...

Things always have a way of going badly for me.
I tried to use pins on a voodoo doll that looks like my mother in law and I ended up curing her arthritis with acupuncture.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm in public. Thanks.

My buddy said he made a voodoo doll of me.
I think he's pulling my leg.

Once I forgot to bring my ventriloquist dummy to a show and I had use a voodoo doll of myself.
It was a pain in the hole.

To whoever has my voodoo doll,
please hold its hand.

I stuck pins in a voodoo doll of my arch enemy.
I managed to cure his backache and help him quit smoking.

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