Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

An empty glass walks into a bar.
The barman says: ”Sorry I can’t serve you, you’re drunk.”

"The grass is wet," said Tom after dew consideration.

My friend Maureen studies animals that live in the ocean. She's a Maureen biologist.

A woman spent 35 years working for a bank. She was recently made
redundant and hasn't coped very well. She now spends her days
outside the branch using the ATM over and over again.
She's suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

Плывущих на отколовшейся льдине рыбаков сняли спасатели.
На телефон.

I just found a great sale on fishing equipment. I'd say it was the reel deal.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows...
They never get to keep the house.

Chuck Norris never has to plug in his Tesla.

Amazing how much difference there is between booty calling and butt dialing.

- Фима,ты опять на чужих баб глазеешь ?!
- Ну шо ты,Циля,я ж аппетит нагуливаю, а кушать буду дома..
- Знаешь шо,Фима, а еда может стать и недоступной!
- Ой, Цилечка, сейчас так много мест, где можно таки по-быстрому перекусить...

If someone calls you a perfectionist just ignore them, you're better than that.

Одесса. Табличка в туалете: «Уважаемые! Не вставайте—таки ногами на унитаз! Есть много других способов быть на высоте! Администрация».

A psychiatrist once told me I suffer from delusions of grandeur...
I figured he must say that about everyone who is awesome and kicks ass.

What happened to the guy who had a fetish for population statistics? He finally came to his census.

Someone asked me what my sign is.
I told them "No Parking".

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

Would the body of a dead magician be called an abra cadaver ?

The blind man finally bought a braille clock. He felt it was time.

The invisible cows were herd but not seen.

Q- is your stomach flat?
A- yes…just the L is silent.

I hate that awkward feeling when you’re talking and realize nobody is listening so you just kind of fade out and pretend you never said anything.

Rotor… this word’s been going around but still looks the same.

What do people with a lot of time do in the shopping mall ?
- Fart around.

—Menuda matraca.
—Quiero otro psicólogo.

If the planet is over 77% water, why did they name it Earth?

Q: How do you get rid of a dishwasher?
A: File for a divorce.

Happiness for engineering students? Lecture canceled.

The best engineers have the worst handwriting.

- Daddy, will I ever have free time?
-No son, we are engineers.

“Engineer solving problems you didn’t know you had in ways you can’t understand.”
—Unknown

“Engineering is the closest thing to magic that exists in the world.”
—Elon Musk

“Unfortunately, humans have a long history of trying to fix their engineering mistakes with more engineering mistakes!”
—Steven Magee

“The ‘H’ in ENGINEER stands for happiness.”
—Unknown

“What’s nice about having an engineering degree is everybody thinks you are smart.”
—Ato Essandoh

“Science is about knowing; engineering is about doing.”
—Henry Petroski

My life is full of positives and negatives. I’m an electrical engineer.

“Electrical Engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.”

“Chemical engineers build the rocket fuel. Electrical engineers build the guidance system. Nuclear engineers build the payload. Environmental engineers clean it up.”
—Unknown

“Engineering is the art and science of nuts and bolts.”
—Haresh Sippy

“The fewer moving parts, the better. Exactly. No truer words were ever spoken in the context of engineering.”
—Christian Cantrell

“Majors in mechanical engineering, talks down to civil engineering friends about how easy their major is.”
—Unknown

“Normal people… believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”
—Scott Adams

“Given enough time, an engineer will optimize to infinity.”
—Unknown

“Engineers: they turn coffee into buildings.”
—Unknown

“Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.”
—Scott Adams

My family branded me as a failure. Then I invented an invisibility cloak.
If only they could see me now.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

Old number theorists never die, they just get past their Prime.

Did you hear Big Ben collapsed in London?

Thankfully they've got clean up crews working around the clock.

My dentist uses the sensitive toothpaste.
He has fillings too.

Just once I'd like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we're going to have to ask you to leave".

I'm so old, that when I was a kid rainbows were in black and white.

"Jimmy, why are you walking around the backyard without any clothing on?"
Jimmy replied, "I lost at strip poker and that's the naked truth."

My mate won't help me fix tyres, so I have to get someone who wheel.

If money can't buy you love then why do dating websites charge?

I checked out the conditions of an old tree this morning. I didn't like the sound of its bark.

I'm psychic but I'm also a procrastinator.
I'll predict the future tomorrow, 11ish.

When the Brits and Belgians fought over sewage rights was that the battle of water loo?

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

- Aristotle

If its not related to elephants...
Its irrelephant.

The day I was tall enough to touch the radio on the shelf was the day I reached my Zenith.

What to you think of the Abortion bill?
I think we should pay it.

You can pick your friends, and pick your nose. But you can’t pick your friends nose without consent.

"The deeper the wound, the more private the pain."
Isabel Allende

I don’t sing well. I once joined a church choir and was told I should sing tenor. As in: ten or twenty yards away from the choir.

Did you hear the one about the haunted elevator? It was a great story; it really lifted my spirits

If my cousin marries your cousin, that makes us cousins in law. See, it’s a matter of relative-ity

I once asked Calvin Klein's daughter out on a date but she turned me down.

Her name is Dee.

Those who can't dance shouldn't.
Those who can, can Can- can.

I was in an unfamiliar area and saw a couple teenagers, I asked them " how do you get to Pittsburgh?" The one replied, " my mom takes me!"

Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.

They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.

What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you're covered, but you're not.

Listening to Queens albums could be bad for your health due to...

high mercury content...

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

Song for your beloved car??
Hyundai Will Always Love You...

Found $80 in my pocket today. The kid in me said, "Buy Nerf guns and candy."

The adult in me said, "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy."

Whoever came up with ice fishing must have had the worst marriage on the planet.
- Jeff Cesario

Why don't eggs tell jokes, because they crack up before the punchline.

I just got my new credit card and all I can buy with it is coffee.
Its an American Espresso card..

My heart is o pen, as I've met an artist and am really drawn to her.