Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Jack had a stable relationship with his horse. No nagging problems at all.

I figured out why I don't like rabbit stew. It's because I always find a hare in it.

I convinced my wife to abandon her veganism by going cold turkey.

My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing lingerie and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap

I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .

Am sorry but going to kfc for a vegan burger is like going to a brothel for meaningful Conversation.

We should start referring to 'age' as levels, so when you're at level 80, it sounds more badass than just being an old person.

-Расскажи о себе, что-нибудь.
-Ну, я ленивая, люблю покушать. Дальше лень разговаривать - пойду поем.

I am doing a bra giveaway.

Send me pics of your boobs and I'll see if I have something that fits you.

Chuck can see the invisible man.

I was going to join the apathy club but couldn't be bothered.

It's really expensive to be poor.

Of course size matters...
No one wants a small taco.

Applied for a job as a Hitman today. The hours suck, but it has killer benefits.

Why do we sing to God?
To respect Hymn.

What did one plate say to the other?

Lunch is on me.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

I may be borderline schizophrenic but at least I have each other.

Cosmetic puns are really difficult to make-up.

How do birds talk to God?
Prey.

I was testing my neighbors chicken if it was fast,now they call me a thief.

I split the sheet and the sheet split me, splitten was the sheet that was splitten by me. Now say it as fast as you can.

I was thinking about buying a race horse but I really couldn’t pony up that much cash.

At the barbecue Joan of Arc made an ash of herself in screaming that she wanted her stake medium rare.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.

What do you call holy bread?

Jesus Crust!

I asked a guy at the station when the next train was coming?

He said Have a look online!

I said Thats kinda dangerous isnt it?

What do you call an alcoholic bra?

BRANDY.

Chuck Norris can play ping pong alone.

Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.

После фразы Путина "Готовь дырочку", министр обороны Шойгу так и не понял - наградят его, или накажут.

A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper.
"What kind of pepper would you like? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asks the manager.
He replied "Toilette pepper!"

My blind date tonight is 6ft 6inches tall.

Just can't wait 2metre.

Don’t get me wrong- it’s nice to be wanted. I just didn’t want to be on a wanted list.

I asked google
how often do people die in hot air balloons?

turns out its only once...

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

"Things start out as hopes and end up as habits."

I’m being blamed for the missing grated cheese, but they haven’t found one shred of evidence.

Marriage 101: When the wife is out mowing the lawn after a long day at work, dont ask her when dinner will be ready.

I won $3 million on the lottery last weekend. So I've decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999,75. left.

Я трезвый за руль не сажусь, очень страшно.

A 73 yr old woman was in court yesterday for streaking at the Chelsea Flower show last week. She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for best dried bush arrangement.

Glock carries Chuck Norris for self-defense.

Me : I Love my Life
My Life : Excuse me , We are just Friends

Everything’s great in your digestive system.

Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit.

A documentary made by the Flat Earth society has been nominated for a Golden Globe.

I saw in London that it costs two pence to use a public toilet. 2p, or not to pee, that is the question.

I just had another birthday.
- When is “old enough to know better” supposed to kick in?

I took a photo of a mouse today.

He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it.

Facebook really be just a bunch of sad people making each other laugh with memes.

What’s a bed’s favorite game?
Hide and sheet.

I knew a trumpet player whose group was called “The Cruise Ship Band.” In reality, they should have been called “Banned from Cruise Ships!”

FUN Fact
Nothing makes an introvert happy than a cancelled plan.

My Wife found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..

Chuck Norris once won a staring contest against his own reflection

Here's what I don't get from the Johnny Depp trial. What was it exactly that Amber heard?

Do you ever wonder if a camel looks at its toe and thinks "Damn! I have vagina foot!"

I lived in China for a long time. When I first moved back to the USA, it was hard to readjust. It was very disorienting.

Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it's like a high-five for your feet.

If anyone could do it, it wouldn't be called PROcrastination.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

I finally found someone who sees something in me!
She runs the x-ray at the hospital.

— Простите, а клуб ностальгирующих здесь?
— Здесь. Но он уже не тот, что раньше.

Yesterday I got a tattoo at a temporary tattoo shop. When I woke up the tattoo was still on my arm! I just went down there to complain and the shop’s gone!

I was reprimanded at my job today at the sunscreen manufacturing plant when I asked for help. My supervisor said that I need to learn to apply myself.

I always enjoyed my girlfriend’s wit, but
now I’m breaking up with her.
Turns out she was faking her sarcasms.

Always return borrowed money...

even money hates to be a loan.

So I said to the decorator “What is Satin Finish?”

He said: “No idea, but I know what Chair is in Swedish.”

If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married, you can’t even change the television channel.

I'm supposed to respect my elders,
but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

I'm only talking to myself today. Sorry for the inconvenience.

I once tried to have sex with a great white shark, but lost my erection my leg, and half my arse.

This mans boss said, You can have a week off if you want to. The man asked: Can I have two weeks off if I want three?

While visiting the Royal Palace we were invited to a ceremony
where Knights were
receiving awards.
It was a Sir prize party.

My dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense.

Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Laws: When it rains, it pours.

Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. (Old worms never die, they just worm their way into larger cans.)

Zusmann's Rule: A successful symposium depends on the ratio of meeting to eating.

Zimmerman's Law of Complaints: Nobody notices when things go right.

Zimmerman's Law: Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.