Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Paddy sees a poster "Irishman wanted for rape and murder" and into the police station he goes to apply for the job.

I invented a relish, and it’s selling well. It's my main
sauce of income.

Just bought a low energy light bulb from the hardware store

Assistant asked Will you be putting this up yourself?

I said No its going in the lounge.

Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks – it's all lice.

A telemarketer said he couldn't understand me.

I told him to press "1" for English.

So I wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.

The suspension is killing me.

If a mixing engineer suggests ways to make your album better, listen to them. It's sound advice.

A husband and wife are arguing:
Wife: You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back
Husband: What do you expect, you’re in a wheelchair.

My pet rock isn’t feeling so good ….it might be stoned.

WOW!
Just got asked to leave a Vegan restaurant with a live DJ for requesting Meatloaf.

At the airport & I just saw a man collapse on the luggage carousel. Think he's ok, as he's just coming round.

I tried to give myself a sex change, but couldn't quite pull it off.

My gf started to do a striptease just for me. She asked me what should go out first.

Apparently "The light" was not the correct answer.

Told my friend a joke about viagra. I have never seen him laugh so hard.

Being a scarecrow is a hard job.
But hay, it's in my jeans.

You wanna know what's odd?
Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.
Ugh, this joke is so bad, I can't even...

Time flies when you're wearing a watch inside an airplane.

The reason the band Kiss wears makeup is because they are hiding from Chuck Norris.

I went to the hardware store to buy some nails, the assistant asked how long do i want them? Well i want to keep them, i replied.

My friend said."I just couldn't work after what my boss said. I asked what he said? She replied,"He said I'm fired."

Doctor told me the accident broke all my fingers.

It was hard to grasp.

Boys love tall girls.
But t is silent.

I asked my gluten intolerant friend about their favorite bread dough. It is "No need".

What do ghosts call their boobies?

Paranormal Entitties.

My wife told me that after this next load she is never doing laundry again.

She threw in the towel.

I wouldn’t kill so many house plants if they would just learn to scream for food and water like my kids and pets do.

My girlfriend and I had a pregnancy scare misunderstanding.
Turns out it was her Pet rabbit that died and she has mourning sickness.

The Police just left. Apparently, I AM allowed to walk around my house naked.
HOWEVER, I have to do it inside.

Parenting these days is hard...

like trying to teach your kid that vagina isn't a dirty word

but it's not something to name a pet that you might have to yell for outside.

I am a professional vegetarian. At the end of each month I receive a celery.

Went to the doctors yesterday with a suspicious looking mole.
He said they all look like that and I should have left him in my garden.

A bit of advice: When you go to the dentist, turn off your Bluetooth…

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

My dentist offered to give me dentures for one dollar. I thought it was a good deal.
- But now I have buck teeth!

Chuck Norris can make a cow out of cheese.

- Just because you haven’t met the
woman of your dreams yet;
Doesn’t mean you ever will.

Went for a job as network engineer. Working for a company that tracked sex offenders. They asked, 'What is a VPN?'. With hindsight visible panty nickers was not a good answer.

There is a slim chance that I will start dieting.

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.

Фима с кроссвордом.
- Циля,не помнишь, в каком году было восстание Спартака?
- Ой,та я вообще вашим футболом не интересуюсь..

How do i know my dog is a watchdog? He has ticks.

Nobody flirts better than a girl that has absolutely no plans to have relationship.

What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most?
An itching butt.

Изя схватился за сердце, но строгий взгляд Сары заставил его прожить ещё 40 лет.

SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE SOMEONE LIKE YOU

It takes 2 wipes to know you needed 3 wipes, but 3 wipes to know you only needed 2.

I think a polygamist just asked me to marry him. I bet I just didn’t harem right.

What did the Goat say to his son when he told a bad joke ?
“You’ve got to be
Kidd-ing!”

When the ballet's wardrobe was lost, the ballerina was forced to wear a subtitutu.

Продают рыбу, живую, в бочке. Абрам спрашивает.
- У вас свежая рыба?
- Ты что, не видишь, она жива. Абрам говорит:
- У меня Сара тоже живая, но не свежая.

I asked my sister, “Why is it you always have money and I’m always broke?”

She said, “Because I have a husband and you have a wife.”

I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.

Did you hear about the Irish circumsiser? He slipped and got the sack.

My husband never liked puns or the theater until I took him to see a play on words.

You can correct people's grammar or you can have friends but you can't do both.

I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.

My knife is made from cutting edge technology.

Kissing is like peeing your pants
Everyone can see it but only you can feel the heat.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Worried about a friend of mine named Kate. She joined this group who isolates themselves. I said please don't commune it Kate.

Today was my daughter’s fourth birthday, and it was like I didn’t even recognize her. I’ve never seen her be four.

- Рабинович, дважды два - это сколько?
- Восемь!
- Сколько?!..
- Шесть!
- Подумайте.
- Четыре!
- Отчего же вы таки сразу не сказали?
- Папаша велел говорить больше, чтобы было чего уступать.

I'm not a Huey Lewis fan, but I go to their concerts because my wife likes them.

That's the power of love.

Why do tampons have strings?

So the crabs can bunkee jump!

My kid’s pet rabbit named Gotye ran away a few days ago, and we can’t find it.

Now he’s just some bunny that we used to know.

For those struggling with English:
Don't = Do Not
Won't = Wo Not
You're welcome.

My wife never recognizes me when I’m in bed.
Because I’m UNDERCOVER….

Did you know Mortal Kombat is actually based on an old Scandinavian church song?

a Finish hymn...

I love my girlfriend so much that I almost told her about my other girlfriend.

I'm so old..
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.

Dad : Who do u like more, mum or dad?
Son : Both
Dad : Okay, if I go to Malaysia and your mum goes to Dubai , where will you go?
Son : Dubai
Dad : That shows u love your mum more?
Son : No, it shows i love Dubai more than Malaysia
Dad : Okay, if i go to Dubai and your mum goes to Malaysia , where will u go?
Son : Malaysia
Dad : Replied angrily, why?
Son :🤣🤣🤣🤣why the anger, I chose Malaysia because I have been to Dubai before
Dad : When did you go to Dubai ?
Son : During the first question

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner,

because Im ready in 5 minutes,

look nothing like my photos,

and Im just satisfying enough for you to want me again

when youre desperate...

— Послушай, Изя, ты уже взрослый самостоятельный человек! Тебе 30 лет. За тебя уже таки давно все должна решать твоя жена, а не мама!

When I visit London, sometimes I sleep at the airport to save money; but when the security guard comes at night Heathrows me out.

What’s the one thing to guarantee you get butterflies? Caterpillars.

What do you call a doll that does kung fu? Chucky Chan.

To sell your art successfully you have to be articulate!

Did you know how much cocaine
Charlie Sheen used?
It was enough to kill Two and a Half Men!

How to get laid: lay on bed, wait two hours, lay becomes past tense.

I took my car in for a service today.
It was a real struggle dragging it up the stairs and into the church.