Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why doesn't Captain Hook play poker? He can't afford another losing hand.

“Open your mind before your mouth.”
— Aristophanes

“Whatever begins in anger, ends in shame.”
— Benjamin Franklin

Your heart is the size of a fist because you need it to fight.
- Lora Mathis

“To think too much is a disease.”
— Fyodor Dostoevsky

Poetry is the art of saying let’s fuck without saying let’s fuck.

You know what really grinds my gears? Not knowing how to drive a stick shift.

“You become what you give your attention to.”
— Epictetus

- Джон, почему на вас клетчатые брюки?
- Потому что я шотландец.
- Да, но шотландцы носят юбки!
- А я гей.

*My body gets donated to science*

Science: Who do we talk to about a refund?

If youve never rewound a cassette tape with your finger, you have no right to complain about buffering.

Where were you when the Titanic was going down?
I was in the back row eating popcorn.

The undertaker has two cars: his and hearse.

Why don't salamanders talk about controversial issues?
They signed a newtrality agreement.

I may look normal but I still telling my cat that if he speaks to me I'll keep the secret .
He never did.

You know that feeling when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?
Yeah, thats arrhythmia.
You can die from that!

In "Laughter" the "L" comes first... the rest of the letters come aughter it.

A contortionist who is also a fortune teller saw her own end.

What's the similarity between a male organ and boiled potatoes.

A: Both are soft when done.

I once saw a ghost made out of chocolates and vanilla.

Ice creamed.

The Dalai Lama spends a lot of time in Vegas.
.
I heard it's because he likes Tibet.

So I'm really pleased with my vegetable patch.
Haven't wanted a vegetable in weeks.

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!

When I'm behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn't my fault.

His mother and father switched genders;
The reason was...
Transparent.

"How the fuck did they get my number?"
Me, every time my phone rings.

My son wants half of my Father’s Day gifts.

He said if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t even be a father.

What do you call compilations on loud cartoons?
Volumes.

Brass musicians are so stuck up…

Always blowing their own trumpets.

How do you cover footwear for damages?
You take out inshoerance.

How do you eat a hard drive?

One byte at a time!

Идеальную пару для себя вы всегда можете подобрать лишь в обувном магазине.

At school they taught us that XXX is Roman Numerals. I typed XXX on Google and the Romans came out naked.

I'm full of nerves about my job interview so my brother suggested i put cement powder in my coffee before i go to sleep. It doesnt work, its now the morning of my interview and i'm shitting bricks.

My hobbies include seeing how long I can hold my breath underwater and meeting Life Guards.

Just got a tattoo of Italy on my chest now I have sore Naples.

I bought a book called 'How to become an expert at Origami'.
So far, I've made 1000 paper snowballs.

Nonalcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries, fills you up
but without the buzz.

Why don't they send donkeys to school?
Because nobody likes a smart ass.

I'm going to work as a waitress for the summer for the first time. Yall got any tips?

The reason why I use Android is cause Adam and Eve had an Apple... and fucked everything up.

When You find a Bumblebee, let it Bee.

Husband: When I die, I want to die having sex.
Wife: At least it will be quick.

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

Wife gettting ready: How do I look honey?
Husband: With your eyes dear.

Why aren’t koala bears actually bears?
They don’t have the right koalafications.

What did the band geek get when he went to the dentist?
A tuba toothpaste.

Чем дольше у дамы не было секса, тем звонче она смеётся над шутками мужчины.

I’m currently looking to date a very curvy bisexual.
I guess you can say I have a bi-ass.

How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi .

What’s does a Harvard applicant and a Pornhub applicant have in common?
Prentending to be bi for diversity points.

What happens to a bisexual when they can't find a partner?
They're on StandBi.

What does a bisexual porn star do at work?
Fuck all.

Q:What do a double hinged gate and a bisexual have in common?
A:They swing both ways.

How does a LGBT Communist get to work?
On their Bi Sickle!

I keep meeting bi women on the apps.
Every time I say hello they say Byeee.

My neighbours want me to come over for a threesome.
I told them I might be bi later.

Every girl is bi .
You just gotta figure out if it's polar or sexual.

What would you call a child born to bi parents?
A byproduct.

I always get nervous when my bi roommate tells jokes,
they can go either way.

I told my boyfriend I was bisexual....
He *buys* me food, and I'll get *sexual*.

How could you tell that the ambidextrous baseball player was bisexual?
Cuz he swings both ways.

What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?
A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.

Me: Are You Bi ?
Her: Yeah, i am.
Me: Have you told your parents ?
Her: Yes. Why are you asking ?
Me: That must’ve taken them.. bi surprise.

If you're bi and single then you aren't bisexual.
Your bi yourself.

What's the similarity between a camera and a condom?
They're both used to catch those special moments.

So I went into a shoe shop today and asked to see a pair of loafers.
The salesperson brought down the general manager and the chief accountant.

Why did the naked man take the elevator?
He couldn't take the stares.

The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

A Blond goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF tee-shirt.
Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?
Oh crap!' the blond says.
I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt.
I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.

My wife thinks I dont give her enough privacy.

At least that’s what she said in her diary.

Came across an ex girlfriend last night….

I’ve still got a key to her flat and she’s a really heavy sleeper!

Me : "I love u"
She : "Oh, really?"
Me : "Yes, it's my favourite vowel"

Chances of losing weight are slim.

Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?
Because they'd rather go to the cinema!

What did the elephant say to a naked man in a zoo?
Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

I did not expect such a big animal to come out of a small dwelling. Talk about an elephant of surprise!

Go to a goat petting zoo to experience a close encounter of the herd kind.

All the animals at the zoo were asleep when I visited. I was otterly disappointed.