Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

So I went into a shoe shop today and asked to see a pair of loafers.
The salesperson brought down the general manager and the chief accountant.

Why did the naked man take the elevator?
He couldn't take the stares.

The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

A Blond goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF tee-shirt.
Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?
Oh crap!' the blond says.
I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt.
I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.

My wife thinks I dont give her enough privacy.

At least that’s what she said in her diary.

Came across an ex girlfriend last night….

I’ve still got a key to her flat and she’s a really heavy sleeper!

Me : "I love u"
She : "Oh, really?"
Me : "Yes, it's my favourite vowel"

Chances of losing weight are slim.

Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?
Because they'd rather go to the cinema!

What did the elephant say to a naked man in a zoo?
Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

I did not expect such a big animal to come out of a small dwelling. Talk about an elephant of surprise!

Go to a goat petting zoo to experience a close encounter of the herd kind.

All the animals at the zoo were asleep when I visited. I was otterly disappointed.

A cage gate at the rare Asian animals' annex at the zoo was left unlocked. It was a panda-monium.

I applied for the position of a keeper at the zoo but turns out I was not koalafied.

Bisexuals don't wear glasses.
They use binoculars.

What do bisexuals say when they separate?
Bi bi.

Pros & Cons of making kids...
Pro's...Making.

Cons...Kids.

Some coffee comes too oily, and I prefer it comes latte.

How do fishermen get jobs?

Networking...

What do you call Snoop Dogg in a hot air balloon?

Higher than usual.

What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction? Wander Woman.

I told a joke about a sex toy, its created quite a Buzz.

The price of petrol is so bad i put vodka in the lawn mower. Now my grass is half cut.

I used to collect pennies in a jar. But there were so many of them that I had to upgrade to an urn. So a penny saved was a penny urned.

I've heard that Stevie Wonder doesn't look well .

If you think Pi is 3142, then you're missing the point.

Q: Why did the thief wear blue gloves?
A: So he couldn't be caught red handed.

After a long day teaching math the teacher couldn’t wait to get home and ditch her algebra

How NOT to start a speech at a sex toy convention...
"It is with great pleasure that I came here today..."

Orgasms are important.
Otherwise people wouldn't know when to stop screwing eachother.

I always eat too many snacks when I’m nervous and also when I’m not.

They say the first thirty minutes are always the hardest in a nudist colony.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said nein…

At my office we go way above just having standards.
We have double standards.

What's a Karen's favourite drink ?
Whine .

The minister raised his hands in prayer, and said, “Oh Lord, we are but dust.”

A child’s voice piped up from the congregation, “Mommy, what’s butt dust?”

He left me because of my English but I doesn't care.

Remember when everyone who had diaries got pissed off when someone read them?
Now they put everything on Facebook and get pissed off when they don't!

The batteries in Chuck's cell phone automatically charge while he's using it.

Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight
Unless it blows?

I had a threesome last night. A couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

What does electric cars and diarrhea have in common?

The fear of not coming home in time!

I knew a very sad guy named Matthew who was forever letting people walk all over him. I told him to stop being such a dour Matt.

I told my grandma that WTF means “Wow, That’s Fantastic”. Her texts are funny as hell now!!

My buddy told me he was having sex with twins... I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, "Her brother has a mustache"

Got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks...

To the crocodiles.

Planted some Puns in my garden last year.
I wonder what's groan.

Every woman named Iris is 80% Irish.

Wife:"Why do you ALWAYS use weather references?"
Him:"Um, I haven't...😎 the foggiest."
Then he winked at her and stormed out.

I just got a job at an airline as a baggage handler,man,they really have a lot of baggage here.

I gave up on the beaver diet because frankly I don't give a dam.

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

Why do cowboys have brown mustaches?

Answer: looking for love in all the wrong places…

There's been a fight in a mall involving a man in a suit made of mirrors. The police gave the man a chance to sit down and reflect.

Answer: Look up down.

Question: How do you research goose feathers?

There was once a cannibal who had two wives and ate kids.

- ¿Es guapo?
- Lo quiero por su cerebro.
- ¡Los hombres piensan con la polla!
- ¡CORRECTO!

В детском саду:
- Здравствуйте, я дедушка Ленин.
- Да ты псих какой-то!
- Не надо грубить. Я пришел за внучкой, за Леночкой.

Post Malone has canceled his tour.

Does this now make him postpone Malone?

I hate swimming when it rains. I get all wet.

The undertaker has two cars: his and hearse.

Why do they call it a TV set when there is only one?

My wife, interrupting me at a cocktail party:
For the last time- being first to push the elevator buttons doesn’t make you an “operative.”

I just got a job at an arrow making factory, this job seems right on target.

I dined at a Michelin restaurant the other night. Michelin is not taking inflation well. Plus the chicken was a little rubbery.

Если жизнь не клеится значит ты не умеешь пользоваться Моментом.

I took a kleptomania exam today.
- It wasn’t mine, but I took it anyway!

There's something wrong here, said the proctologist, but I can't put my finger on it.

When I'm reading
an article on milk
I just skim through.

Girls think they can change a guy who doesn't even change his underwear daily..

What do judges wear? A lawsuit.

I signed up for an anti-social network.
I think there's a lot of us, but nobody posts.
If they do, we'll be watching...

How did a couple of gardeners get married?

They had a weeding ceremony.

Two clever people can't fall in love, true love needs one idiot.

Why is it called "canning" if you use jars? That's totally jarring.

Why are elephants banned from the swimming pool? They can't keep their trunks up.

I just got a job at a furniture making factory,I thought I wood like working here.

My girlfriend thinks I'm creepy.

Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.