Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I just wanted to see if
My Neighbor's Laptop
Could fit inside my bag
And they are now calling
Me a Thief.

I hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realize I wasn't listening and have to start over.

Is the female version of tea bagging called flappuccino???

“To be alone is the fate of all great minds.”
— Arthur Schopenhauer

What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog!

Looks like dentists could be next to strike.
So brace yourself.

The telemarketer asked me if I read magazines at all and I replied that I did, periodically.

“No legacy is as rich as honesty.”
— William Shakespeare

Tips on how to be lazy:
1.

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

The sign said, "Wet Paint", so I poured my water bottle out on it. Currently awaiting further instructions.

I went into Victoria's Secret and asked the assistant if they sold satin underwear.

They advised me that EVERYTHING they sell is brand new!

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
— William Blake

Wife:"The dog next door barked 200 times last night!!"
Him: "Is that an actual count, or just a... "ruff" estimate?

Yes, wine does improve with age.
The older you get, the more you like it.

Ironic that the two o's in cooperate insisted on having their own separate sounds.

This really polite person was driving the train.
He was a ……
CIVIL Engineer!

This is my fourth visit to Turkey in 3 years, and every time it's the same old thing. 10 camels for your beautiful wife

And every time I tell them to fuck off, before winking at the wife.

If she is that fucking beautiful, why the fuck are they trying to sell her back to me.

I thought it would be Tough cooking Chinese food outside, but actually it’s a “ WOK in The Park”

What happens when your hotdogs get cold?
You get chillie dogs.

Once you’ve been to the dentist enough times, you pretty much know the drill.

Breaking: Prince Harry Gets Job at Bakery!

He’ll be a ginger bread man.

That awkward moment when you open a birthday card and there's no money in it and you pretend to read it with a lost smile.

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”
— Mark Twain

“You become what you understand.”
— Søren Kierkegaard

What do you call a fish who is wearing a bowtie?

Sofishticated.

Q. What do you call it when there’s no Internet in Russia?
A. Internet.

“Those who do not move, do not notice their chains.”
— Rosa Luxemburg

Old professors never die, they just lose their class.

Rolling out of bed is easy... getting up off of the floor is another story.

“Fire tests gold, suffering tests brave men.”
— Seneca

Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing.

Having my ears cleaned is one of the most painful things I've ever had done...I can hear my wife perfectly now.

Big difference between politics and baseball.
In baseball you're out when caught stealing!

Never dated any girl in higher institution...
Yeah, I needed that Bachelor's Degree.

“The wise man accepts his pain, endures it, but does not add to it.”
— Marcus Aurelius

My wife has left me because of my obsession with cricket. It's knocked me for 6 !!!!

“You can never be overdressed or overeducated.”
— Oscar Wilde

Who's better at business. A Crack dealer or a prostitute?... the prostitute,, she can wash her Crack out & resell it...

“No enemy is worse than bad advice.”
— Sophocles

I was bringing a stool sample to my doctor when some jerk slammed into me and I dropped it. I was so angry, totally lost my shit.

If I choke on a sucker, am I lollygagging?

The death of an
electrician in my
local community
has sparked concerns.

Q: What is the opposite of Canada?
A: CAN'T-ada!!!!

Am I the only one who noticed that when you're constipated is when you really don't give a shit?

When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and kill dragons, not vacuum or wash dishes.

Geologists accept the earth's surface as it is..
Even with all its faults.

Being liked by kids and animals is fun until they start following u everywhere.

- Ты могла бы выйти замуж по расчету?
- Понимаешь, я так сильно люблю деньги, что как ни крути это все равно будет брак по любви.....

Those who teach about eyes have pupils.

I recently read the top 10 facts about diarrhea.

Number 2 surprised me.

I was having a BBQ the other night and I made some really nice sausages.
I asked my mate if he wanted one.
He said, No thanks mate, I'm Jewish.
Don't worry, I replied, they're free.

If pizza could talk, what would it say?
Probably lots of cheesy things.

Life is like a river with beavers living in it. It's just one dam thing after another.

“A liar will not be believed even when he tells the truth.”
— Aesop

I've been played so much , I'm now available on play store.

I got a bar installed into my roof.

Just so whenever I have guests I can say drinks are on the house.

Do you know why Avon ladies walk funny?
Their lipstick..

Если мужчина думает, что секс - не самое главное в жизни, значит он у него только что был.

How does everyone pronounce router?

Is it router or router?

What do you call a Roman Emperor with a cold?

Julius Sneezer.

Friend : "Wanna hang out ?"
Me : "Let me ask my mum."
Friend : "But you're 25.."
Me : "She said no."

Issac Newton said “ The greater the mass, the greater the attraction….”

And yet, here I am, still single….

What do you get when you cross an angry sheep and an angry cow?…

2 animals that are in a baaaaaddd mmoooooD.

Wonder Woman broke up with the Invisible Man. She made it perfectly clear she never wanted to see him again!

Did you know that humpbacks don't actually cry underwater?
They Whale!!

“All cruelty springs from weakness.”
— Seneca

I slept with 2 Thai birds last night.
Wow It was like winning the lottery..

We had six matching balls.

What disease did the Cured Ham have?

You know me,if I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor, and I mean that.
I will move to a rich neighborhood.

Why is poop named poop? Because when you say it, your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when you poop.

Психотерапевт спрашивает у мужчины, который никак не может жениться:
- Опишите, какой у вас идеальный образ второй половинки?
- Вторая половинка - она похожа на первую, а когда затекает одна, то можно посидеть на второй.

I've got really sensitive teeth.

They'll be really upset I told you.

I've had a vasectomy...
It didn't work..
It just changes the colour of the fucking kids.

I just got a job at a cartoon factory,it can get a little looney here.

“I begin to speak only when I am certain what I will say isn’t better left unsaid.”
— Kato the Elder

I tried settings up a website for women drivers but it just kept crashing.

“Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection.”
— Mark Twain

My wife and I are having a competition on who can steal the most dog related stuff from our pet store.
I've taken the lead.

A COP STARTED CRYING WHILE HE WAS WRITING ME A TICKET,I ASKED HIM WHY?,HE SAID ITS A "MOVING" VIOLATION!!!