Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife want me to blow on her when whenever she gets overheated. Honestly, I'm not a fan....

I saw Gone with the Wind and the ending just blew me away.

What should you do before
you sign a cheque?

Check you have a pen.

What insurance should all politicians have?
Lie Ability.

Chuck Norris made Twisted Sister take it.

—¿Cómo se llama tu perra?
—Esperanza.
—¿Y por qué le has puesto chip? Es tontería.
—¿Por qué?
—Porque la esperanza nunca se pierde.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Does anyone know a fruit that works on lawyers?

How did King Tutankhamun attract Ankhesenpaaton, you ask?

Probably pharaohmones.

My umbrella broke in Half.
But it’s ok there’s only a fifty percent chance of rain .

What do you call 2 eggs living together?
Coeggsistence.

When Fat girls become mum, they are called Maximum.

I know I said I never wanted to be involved in a repossession, but now I take it back.

Despite removing all the stains, I lost my job as a Church window cleaner.

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?
A oui lad.

Chuck Norris was not lonely at Heartbreak Hotel.

" Some talk to you in their free time and some free their time to talk to you..."

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son. She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

I've got no home, no control, and no escape.
Guess it's time for me to get a new keyboard.

Tha average Canadian man has sex 2-3 times a week whereas the average Japanese man has sex 2-3 times a year, which is pretty alarming because i didn't even know i was Japanese.

I’m feeling like the Michelin Man….
Tired!!!

Yet another reason for the chicken crossing the road:
Perhaps he was being egged on.

Math puns are the first sine of madness.

Why can’t you breed an eel with an eagle?

It’s Eeleagle.

Marry a man who is older than you so by the time you start losing your beauty, he will also be losing his eyesight.

I'm jus' politely saying that if a crow wakes you up, is that considered a, well, is that considered a wake up caw??

Do you know how to lose weight? ...fast.

Australians don’t reproduce.

They mate.

What fish is made from a pair of Sodium atoms?

2Na.

Went to a russian doctor to be circumcised.
His name was Dr Kutchakokov.

Is there an age limit for circumcision? I'd like to know the cut off date.

Our sales manager wants us to sell amplifiers and speakers below cost.
He thinks we can just make it up with volume.

My circuit breaker got wet and I’m really not sure what to do. I’m soakin fused.

I don't watch soccer. If I wanted to see someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd take my friends to the bar.

Whitney Houston was a marriage counselor before becoming a singer.
Her clients would greet her by saying, "Houston, we have a problem!"

So I went to the Navy recruitment office.
The fella said: "Can you swim?"

I said: "Why, don’t you have any ships?"

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on different levels of noise.
The librarian says, Sure, what Volume would you like?

—¿Aquí no hay aire acondicionado?
—¡PAREN LA AUTOPSIA!

Junior developer: There's a bug in my code, Please help me.
Senior developer: (looks at the code) You are the bug.

—Tendría que haber cogido una linterna más potente.
—Quiero otro urólogo.

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

How do you please a woman in bed?

Let her sleep!

Shipwrecked, he landed on an isle of cake & ice cream.

He's on a dessert island.

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
- George Carlin

My gf and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"
"That's nothing!" I said
. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

Sundays..

Sleep until youre hungry then eat until youre sleepy.

A day without nuclear fusion is like...

A day without sunshine!

A guy walks into a tavern and shouts "All lawyers are assholes"
Another guy at the end of the bar says "You better watch what you say around here, buddy"
"Why? you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an asshole."

The cost of wood is going up, which means Viagra will be more expensive...

I opened both my electric & water bills at the same time.

I was shocked.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

- Чтобы уснуть, баб своих бывших считаю. Помогает.
- А чего не баранов?
- Да там всего один раз было.

Today I was sitting on an automatic toilet when it malfunctioned and abruptly flushed underneath me…
Scared the shit outta me.

Always remember that the same crowd that cheers your coronation will also cheer your beheading.
People like a show.

What city in Scotland reminds me of a guy with a donkey?
Ed and burro!

Checkout cashier: “ Paper, or plastic?”
Me: “ Doesn’t matter, I’m bisacksual”….

Where do birds meet for coffee?
Nest-cafe.

I started studying sign language and I'm starting to believe it's handy.

Everyone knows beauty is in the eyes of the beholder but what are in the hands of the beholder?
Boobs.

I went to a pet shop.
I said ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’
The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’
I said ‘I don’t care what star sign it is’.

Sometimes people ask me if I like dogs (or cats).
I'll reply, "It depends on the recipe."

When Chuck Norris goes to Rome, The Romans do as Chuck.

I was leaning on the fence talking to my friend, when suddenly he evaporated. I tell you, that guy is really going to be mist.

Imagine marrying an old man for money and you die first.

I have a joke about capitalism. But I won't share it with you.

You're living. You occupy space, you have mass. Know what that means?
You matter.

What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?

Megasoreass.

Ugh, my first visit to Las Vegas and I get kicked out of the casino
due to a slight misunderstanding at the craps table.

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?
"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

My boss told me that I’m “going to have to find someone else to work for.” I asked him not to quit. Good bosses are hard to find.

Why'd the Polygamist cross the road? To get to the other bride...

The Planes Indians practiced polygamy, and one chief had three squaws.
The first squaw lived in a teepee of elk hide, the second in a teepee made of buffalo hide, and the youngest in a teepee of hippopotamus hide.
Then he slept with each wife on the eve of his great hunting trip.
He was gone nine moons and when he returned, he went into the elk hide teepee and found that his wife had borne him a son. Likewise, in the buffalo hide teepee, that squaw, too, had borne him a son. So, imagine his surprise when he found twin baby boys in the hippopotamus hide teepee.
This just proves that ...

The squaw of the hippopotomus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

#polygamy

If i had many wives, i would make sure they all spoke different languages so they could not make fun of me behind my back.
#polygamy

I’m only 2 wives short of being a polygamist.

I must be a polygamist because my wife is a Gemini.

Doesn't make sense that most women are against polygamy. Every little girl had at least ten Barbies and just one Ken.

Some guys refer to their wife as "their better half." What if you're a polygamist? "Here's Joan, my better sixth?"

Her: Could you do Polygamy?

Me: Hell no. I hated algebra in High School.