Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead!

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs
I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

Secret to a successful marriage is separate vacations.

Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

What do you call a reptile in Space?
Scalien.

The grocery store has stopped selling tropical fruit! It's enough to make a mango crazy.

My local crematorium is holding an open day...
...I'm dying to go.

I can't believe they cancelled Vivaldi after just Four Seasons.

Anybody who believes in phrenology ought to have their head examined.

I took my grandfather to one of those fish spas where little fish eat away all the dead skin.
It cost $50 but was still a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Whats the difference between a sea and a sale?
You can sail a sea, and see a sale.

The word "exams" starts from "ex"
So cheating is our 1st priority.

"It is madness to hate all roses because you got scratched with one thorn."
Antoine de Saint-Exupére

I'm so glad I convinced my daughter to not date this guy named Kelvin.
He's an absolute zero.

What is a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby.

I broke up with my anorexic Girlfriend.

I was seeing less and less of her.

"Do you have gf? "
"Yes i have"
"Where does she live"
"Another nation"
"What nation?"
"Imagination"

My dog has a lot of potential, you just have to unleash it.

How many engineers ever worked on engines?

Someone invited me to go see a bust of Marilyn Monroe. But it just showed her head.

One reason Mr. Gore can dance to only one tune is because he moves to his own, algorhythm.

My uncle polished floors for a living. When he met my aunt, he really took a shine to her.

An American:
— We have Barack Obama, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
A Russian:
— We have Vladimir Putin, no wonder, no hope and no cash.

- Мне кажется, что девушка мне изменяет! Может сводить ее к гинекологу?
- Да? А что он там увидит? Список входящих?

I took my flat tire to the repair shop and told them they could take as much time as they needed to fix it. There was no pressure.

Израиль.
Шабат.
Крик из окна, по-русски:
- Изяя, ну сколько раз тебе повторять?!! Надень кипу, Христа ради!

Just been to a fisherman's disco.Lots of sole music.

I have always wondered why Lemonade is made with artificial flavors --and Furniture polish is made with real lemons.

Whenever I gain weight, I get waisted.

One time Mick Jagger called Kate, Carrie-Ann and Elisabeth for a meeting. It’s the only time a Rolling Stone gathered Moss.

— Здравствуйте, это клуб людей, у которых резко меняется настроение?
— Да, рады вас приветствовать отсюда нахуй.

So I have never seen a person Smiling & Jogging...

That's about all I need to know about that.....

Child to his mum
Mummy what is dark humour
Well sweetheart you see that man over there with no arms
No Mummy I'm blind
Exactly.

I'd like to keep my mother in law at bay...

Guantanamo to be precise.

An “EX” is called an “ex” because it’s an EXample of what you shouldn’t have again in the future.

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials."

— Seneca

When i was born i was so ugly -the Doctor slapped my mother.

I want 50/50 relationship,
She cook: I eat
She do laundry: I wear
I do shopping: She pay the bill.

Many years ago I was referred to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all…

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.

I don't know about you guys. But I would never work in a tampon factory, PERIOD!

So excited. My parents gifted me a parcel of land.
That means a lot.

Честный мужчина женится столько раз, сколько обещал, a
обманщик - только один.

What's the difference between Prince Andrew and R Kelly ?
About 12 million quid.

"We must not allow other people's limited perceptions to define us."

— V. Satir

Miss Piggy is the beneficiary of Kermit's life insurance policy. She just has to wait until he croaks.

What do you call the testicles of a peacock? His peanuts.

The recipe said, "Prick with a fork"..
.....but enough about me.

Alexa, tell me a joke about the president...

Alexa: people say I should run for president, but I think Im better suited, for speaker of the house!

What’s the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates.

What do you call someone missing 50% of their spine?

A halfback.

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."

– Milton Berle

”When you have something to say, silence is a lie.”
— Jordan B. Peterson

If you're withdrawing money from an ATM at one am, it's NOT going to charity

If you're withdrawing money from an ATM at one am, for charity, that's the stripper's name.

What do you call two worms in love? Soilmates.

Sure there’s a risk getting a colonoscopy
Butt it’s well worth it.

Wise men drink wine...

Budweiser men drink beer

If any of you have an old pair of gloves I can take them off your hands.

I quit visiting my acupuncturist when he stopped using needles.
I just didn’t get the point.

There’s a guy in our secret meetings who never leaves his seat and always wants to talk about root issues and branching out.
I think he might be a plant.

In India they have a humor vaccine it’s called a punjab.

Shaquille O’Neal owns a firework manufacturing company in Anchorage. It’s called
BOOM SHAQ ALASKA.

A German walks into a library and ask for a book on war. The librarian says Fuck off you lost the last two.

Why does the new Russian Navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see the old Russian Navy.

Does a sand dollar count as a form of curren-sea?

If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really huge cricket.

I had dinner with a Meteorologist last night ; I asked if she sensed a warm front coming and she stormed out!

What type of person doesn’t love pizza?
A weirdough.

I know of a house of math, they use only one kind of toilet paper.
~Multi ply

My sister asked me if I want to get married someday. I said, “No! - You’re my sister!”

So, have you heard about the potatoes that got drunk? Yeah, they were smashed!

If you need any help in English,
I'm always hair.

Minister: "Repeat after me."
Groom: "After me."
Minister (to bride): "Is he serious?"
Bride: "No. He is David."

So the inventor of the Morse code has sadly passed away.

Dashes to dashes dots to dots.

My mate just rang me and said, What are you doing at the moment?

I said, Probably failing my driving test.

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."

— Aristotle

When I say you are cute please don't say really because I don't wanna lie twice.

Had one dream of me drowning in a Japanese seafood dish think I might be sushicidal.

Mark was born to early, and Shania too late. Alas, never the Twains shall meet.

The locals broke away from the carpenter's union and formed their own splinter group.