Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I was going to tell a gay joke...
Butt fuck it.

My gf says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.
First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

So poligamy is just a marry go round.

How tf you gonna date a left handed person & expect things to be right???

When Chuck Norris was late for school teachers punished the rest of the class for being early.

“One ídiot is one idíot.
Two ídiots are two ídiots.
Ten thousand ídiots are a political party.”
— Franz Kafka

Her profile Match.com said she wants a guy that makes her laugh. Unfortunately, she also said "no dick pics" so there goes that.

Hubby asked if I got paid for my witty puns. I said no. He said y’all are getting your moneys worth.

My Ex-Girlfriend had a fantastic set of Tits..!

However one was a bit bigger than the other.

She wasn't really that Self-Conscious.

Until she entered a Wet T-Shirt Contest and came 1st and 3rd..!

Are workers allowed to strike at a match factory?

Most of Europe's hip hop studios are located in Prague.

It's a Bohemian rap city.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Chuck Norris says it’s beef, it’s beef!

The shopping list is confusing.
Bacon, garlic, perfume, cigars, and flowers.
But it does make a lot of scents!

If you wake up in a red room with no windows or doors don’t panic you’re in my heart…

My favorite singer has designed a new toilet prototype.

It's called the L10 John.

"Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body."

— Seneca

My wife and I had a talk in the back of the boat. It was a stern conversation

No safety dance in construction zones. Men must wear hats.

I dreamt last night that I knighted a fish...

it was Sir eel.

“Every word has consequences. Every silence too.”
— Jean-Paul Sartre

New research shows, men who masturbate when over the age of 60, risk ending up in hospital.
It only takes one stroke!

Cleveland is the area between a woman's breasts.

Every time you light a lighter, your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light it won't light.

Dark jokes are happiness...
Not everyone gets it...

The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.

“The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.”
— Plato

Last night I had a terrible dream that I had to make a thousand pancakes.
I was tossing and turning all night long!

I made world history when I dropped my dinner plate last night. Greece was overthrown, Turkey fell, and China was in ruins.

- Софочка, а шо это ты так долго стоишь у окна?
- Та я вот думаю - прыгнуть или закрыть?..
- Та прыгай, конечно! Я закрою!

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Misheard my financial adviser and put all my money into socks and chairs.

When a person says they will pray for you, they are basically saying they will do nothing for you.

Can i have your heart? So i can sell it and be rich.

I'm going to be like everyone I know...a Nonconformist....

Santa Claus delivers presents so he can stay on Chuck Norris's nice list.

English teachers put more thought into a novel than the actual author did.

My company is better at making sun cream than our competitors, but I don't like to rub it in.

My dog is a genius.
I asked him "What's two minus two?"
He said nothing.

What do you call a little building?
Small.

What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.

“ Russian Satellite Falls to Earth “
I just read the Orbituary.

I was going to run for president of the local pessimist group but I didn't think I would win.

Why did the orange stop half way up the hill? It ran out of juice.

The best part about me, is I'm not you.

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays!

Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing...

And thats just to get the remote!

A comma and an apostrophe went to couples therapy. Even though the apostrophe was being possessive, the comma didn't want to end things.

I enjoy warm weather, but only to a certain degree.

I soak my contact lenses in my oatmeal before I wear them.
….. Fiber Optics….

Instructor: Welcome to salsa class. Now let’s learn how to dance!

Me: (hiding bag of tortilla chips and sneaking out)

What word becomes shorter if you add two letters?

Short.

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise again.”
— Victory Hugo

Stars don't shine, they burn.

Redneck word of the day: Inhale.
Usage: Why inhale did I go to Walmart today?

—¿Te gustan los niños?
—No sé, nunca me he comido uno.

The neighbor that lives across the street is the head of an elementary school, the neighbor next door to me is the head of a high school. These are the principals I live by.

" You misinterpret everything, even the silence."
~ Franz Kafka

"If the Bare Naked Ladies" and the "Naked Brothers Band" did a concert together, it would be an Exposé.

I asked the library guy for a book about tongue twisters in Deutsch, he gave me dictionary.

My son went against my wishes and got a tattoo of a deck of cards.
I'll deal with him later.

Q: Why did the well digger quit?
A: He got tired of the hole boring business.

Someone donated one kidney, he is a hero.
I donated five and I was arrested.

В основном откровенные люди предпочитают одиночество. Потому что не всех синяки украшают.

Q:What did the vampire say to the school girl?
A: See you next period.

The difference between a teacher and a train, is that the teacher tells you to spit out your gum, but the train says chew, chew!

—¿Qué tal la visita al oftalmólogo?
—¿¡QUIÉN ANDA AHÍ!?

If England is on the metric system, why isn't police headquarters called Scotland Meter?

Somebody hit me with a copy of A Tale of Two Cities.
It hurt like the Dickens!

“Those who promise us paradise on earth never produced anything but hell.”
— Karl Popper

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

Ikea assembles Chuck Norris's furniture.

I met a nun who wiped her nose on her clothes. She had a nasty habit.

I have the body of a porn star.
All my clothes say XXX.

“The best fighter is never angry.”
— Lao Tzu

Don't just whine about your day when you can drink the wine instead.

“I prefer liberty with danger than peace with slavery.”
— Jean-Jacques Rousseau

I keep asking people what's the lowest military rank and they all tell me "It's private." So frustrating!

“I am not upset that you lied to me, I am upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche

“In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is a king.”
— Desiderius Erasmus

How do painkillers know where the pain is in the body?
Painkillers are like women..... They know everything.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.