Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

You know, I could never be a vampire, because I don't like working the night shift.

How does a train drink?
They chugga chugga.
How does a train eat?
They chew chew.
Did you know trains can't fart, but they sometimes toot?
So, how does a train hear?
With their engineer!

I wrote a book about oysters. It’s been nominated for a Pearlitzer.

I gave up on the poker diet because my stomach was beginning to resemble a full house.

What do you give an influencer with bad breath?

A tik tok.

What do you call a blind Facist?

A Not-see.

"Always go too far, because that's where you'll find the truth."
— Albert Camus

A woman’s vagina is like Disneyland…
It may be the happiest place on earth, but the older you get it the less it is worth the time, expense, aggravation, and hassle.

I've read Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.
Really hope so, I've run out of tissues.

I've been reading a book about superglue, I'm stuck on chapter 6.

I read another book on history of car tires. It's got me gripped

Voldemort: Knock Knock.
Harry Potter: Whos There?
Voldemort: You Know.
Harry Potter: You Know Who?
Voldemort: Exactly!

What does a cloud wear under it's raincoat?

Thunderwear.

MY GIRL FRIEND IS SO SHORT WHEN SHE FARTS SHE BLOWS SAND IN HER SHOES.

Some girls will not walk in the rain because it returns their faces to factory settings.

“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
— Napoleon Bonaparte

- Он плохой врач!
- Почему?
- Я в магазине видел, как он сам покупал в магазине коньяк!

Any recommendations for music I can listen to while I'm fishing?

Something catchy.

My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling. She'll say "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling."

I was fighting with my wife when she said..."Your family isn't even human! They're more like a venereal disease!" I told her, "You better not say that to my sis, Phyllis!!

The lawyer left his briefs at home. He felt very exposed.

I remember when I used to be broke... I'm still broke, that's why I remember it so well.

Usually when I lean in like I’m interested in what you’re saying, I’m actually just farting.

What do you get if you dip your balls in ice cream?
Brain freeze.

“Those who are hardest to love need it the most.”
— Socrates

A girl met a guy at the subway.

G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place

B: awww... Are you single?

G: No I'm a dentist

Saw a fantastic film about a very
large insect.
It was XL ant.

Толстый продавец лифчиков ненавидел фразу:
- Примерно как у вас.

My neighbour just walked past with two dogs. I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?" He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters." I said, "Wow, your sisters are really fucking ugly."

"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

Why should you wear glasses to math class? Because it helps with division.

My Sex life is like Coca Cola,

It was classic then went on a diet, and now it’s zero.

So, have you heard about one of Santa's workers who couldn't keep his cool? Yes, he had no elf control!!

Sign outside a clock and watch repair shop:
We Fix Sick Ticks.

Stood next to a mirror the other day and was right beside myself!

Why are you going back and forth on that rock?
Answer: because it is my rocking chair.

My teacher said I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtractions.

I don’t get the difference.

Newton got his job of physicist by an apple while doctors lose their job by it.

“When the rich wage war, it is the poor who die.”
— Jean-Paul Sartre

What do you call a group of Whales on a TV show? A podcast.

I didn't mean to gain weight.
It happened by snaccident.

Don't do suicide bro, that shit kills you.

There is a place I heard where you can ride a pig instead of a bull.
It's called Bucking Ham Palace.

The "E" in the word Physics stands for Easy.

Just my luck - judging by the itching and the rash, I think I'm allergic to prostitutes.

I snatch kisses and....
Vice versa

What is the difference between driving in the fog and a 69’er?

You can actually see the asshole in front of you!

Q: What do you call a rash caused by a nickel necklace?
A: Chain reaction.

Яша Рабинович в одесском ресторане подзывает официанта:
- У меня таки есть три жалобы. Во-первых, ваш суп - помои; во-вторых, форшмак - просто ужас; и в-третьих, почему такие маленькие порции?!..

Женщина, помни: разводясь с мужчиной, ты толкаешь его обратно в зону комфорта!

If at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way your husband told you.

Happy independence day!

"It's only treason if you lose"

Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?

Because women are always right.

You heard the joke about the bed? No? That's because it hasn't been made yet!

Did you hear about the cemetery?
When it first opened, people were dying to get in, but now it’s kind of a ghost town.

Why did the crab stay out of the road?

Because most crabs prefer a side walk.

"Either you run the day, or the day runs you."

— Jim Rohn

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
― Søren Kierkegaard

Detective: “The victim must have had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

I hate when people say it's a quarter to ten... when it's way easier to just say 9:75pm.

The most comfortable sleeping position is the one you snuggle into, after turning off your alarm.

My mom just sent me a text message saying "Call me ASAP!"

That is just too weird for me. I think I'll just stick to calling her "Mom"...

The police knocked on my door this morning.
"Do the letters H.B mean anything to you?" they asked.
"No," I said.
"What about G.D. then?"
"Nope means nothing to me," I said
"How about A.J?"
"Look," I said, "am I suspected of something?"
"Not at all sir," they said, "we're just making some initial inquiries."

There is no such thing as a dirty mind.

Just a sense of humor with adult content.

If you're ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Never order, “One for the road.” The road’s already laid out.

"Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them."

― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Why is the ocean so angry?
You'd be angry too if you had crabs all over your bottom......:-)

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test today and my thoughts were confirmed, she's just a fat cunt.

Cyclops was doing a crossword and asked his wife how to spell Hawaii. She said, “You need to i’s.” He said, “Well, that’s rude!”

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

"First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak."
― Epictetus

"What Paul says about Peter tells us more about Paul than about Peter.”
— Baruch Spinoza

—No soporto que me trates como a un desconocido.
—Pero si no le conozco de nada, señor.
—¿Ves? Otra vez.

Most successful people are people you've never heard of. They want it that way.

A man with 2 left feet goes into a shoe store and asks...
"Do you sell flop, flops?"

Strippers are really bad investors. You know why….they tend to lose their shirts.

I’ve learned 99% of the English language. I’m almost their.

What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.

How did Steve Jobs compliment someone?
"You're the apple of my eye".

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead!