Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Two elderly ladies were out jogging in the park, a flasher jumped out on them...one lady had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.

Циля :
- Знаешь,Фима,я хочу купить себе новую кофточку. Как ты думаешь, как должна выглядеть красивая кофточка?
- Ну, я таки думаю,шо высокая такая, стройная...

В этом мире вера осталась только у алоэ.

Как говорил Семён Маркович: это хорошо, шо вас носят на руках, следите тока за тем, куда вас несут...

Those who appreciate Colour Jokes have a great sense of hue-mour.

Онн любил её без памяти.
У него был склероз!

- Алло, дайте мине Рабиновича!
- Не хотелось бы говорить Вам "нет", но таки да!
- Я страшно интересуюсь спросить его за его здоровье!
- Я Вам скажу за его здоровье - оно так себе...
- Так скажите Рабиновичу, шо пусть он расскажет мине за все свои подробности!
- Вы будете огорчаться, но Рабинович немножечко умер...
- Прямо-таки настолько, шо не хочет со мной поговорить?!..

Как говорила тётя Песя :
- И шоб вы себе знали,скромность, украшающая человека, таки, называется бижутерией..

У всех девушек бабочки в животе требовали любви, и только моль в животе у Розы требовала шубу.

Grandpa's wishes were to be cremated, so we did just that; I think he Urned it.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

I bought some sexy crotchless panties in Victoria's Secret today.
"A surprise for the wife?" asked the cashier.
"Maybe" I replied, "It all depends on whether she catches me wearing them or not."

My friend wanted to be on a boat, surrounded by salt water, but had very little money in her budget. We came up with a saline solution.

What do you call a British person with balls?
An American!

I would lose weight but I hate losing.

Do you know that I went to Italy to study the history of it's ancient ruins? Yeah, I just Romed around!!

What's the difference between a sports car and a dead prostitute

I haven't got a sports car in my garage.

3 Irish men in a pub
called Mick, Pat and Tat.
The barman says "Are you all related?"
Mick said "Yeah we're triplets!"
Barman said "Triplets!,
how come you and Pat are 6ft tall, and Tat is only 4ft tall?",
"Well!" said Mick "Me and Pat were
breast fed so there was no tit for Tat!

A mate of mine told me a joke about oil. I said to him "is this some kind of slick joke"

Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.

I love to give homemade gifts.

Which one of my kids do you want?

I went bare hunting the other day... It was great, until my nosy neighbor called 911 about a naked man in the woods with a gun!

I used to pretend I was a mop and bucket.
I quit because they
couldn't sweep things
under the carpet.

I got kicked out of the hospital....

Apparently I misunderstood "Stroke Patients Here"

What doesn't taste as good as it smells?

a nose.

РОЛЕВАЯ ИГРА ЗАКОНЧИЛАСЬ ДРАКОЙ, КОГДА МОНЯ, ПЕРЕОДЕВШИСЬ ДОКТОРОМ СПРОСИЛ У ФИРЫ: -ДИЕТОЛОГА ВЫЗЫВАЛИ?

I like to help people find things by telling them that it's got to be around here somewhere..

Why is Billy Joel’s laundry still wet? He Didn’t Start The Dryer.

"Dad!! Can you help me out?"

"Sure! Which way did you come in?”

If the internet isn't a drug, why do they call us all users?

I need to learn the rules to make sure I don't accidentally follow them.

I said to my Doctor, "I've become a can of deodorant."
He said, "Are you sure?"

I replied, "No, I'm Lynx."

My friends allergic to rice.

He is basmatic.

I just bought a peanut farm, I hope all the hard work doesn't make me nuts.

I have a giant thermometer.

It's not wide in width, but far-in-height.

I just got a job at an ice cream factory,the people here are really cool.

Golf is the only sport around, where the object is to play less of it.

“Hèll is empty and all the dëvils are here.”
— William Shakespeare

I tried to get into hypnosis school, but failed the en-trance exam.

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum....

The letter C went to see the sea. The letter C saw the sea and said, "It looks so icy. Brr!"

I just renewed my CPR Certificate.
I learned it is rare that a Defibrillator malfunctions!
But when it does no one is Shocked!

Why was Cinderella kicked out of the basketball team?
Because she ran away from the ball.

"Don't explain your philosophy. Embody it."

— Epictetus

I took a course on sexual harassment last week.
it went well, I think Im gonna be good at it...

Would you call someone who raises moths a mother?

I've been having strange dreams of me sitting in a canoe, that's five nights in a row now.

"Don't be overheard complaining... not even to yourself."

— Marcus Aurelius

Got divorced this week. The wife took every thing , except my collection of model lions.
No where to live , no money. All I’ve got left is my pride. ..

“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”
— Voltaire

DIET DAY 1.
I have removed all the bad food from my home.

It was delicious.

Why do women have two sets of lips?

So they can bitch and moan at the same time 💋

The coffee shop worker was fired from his job for wearing a Tea Shirt.

Many Roman soldiers had to deal with Britanny spears.

She said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her bum.
I guess I should have let the bulb cool first.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

I sexually identify as a microwave meal.
I am ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures.

Человек с ружьём всегда найдёт цель в жизни...

I’ll never date another apostrophe.
The last one was too possessive.

The man that invented the Ferris Wheel never met the man that invented the Merry Go Round. They traveled in different circles.

I'm a food joke writer. Yesterday I heard a not so funny joke. I still can't digest it.

Why are vampires very bad product managers? Because they refuse to meet with stake holders.

Why did the fisherman
go to his doctor for more viagra?
Because he was
hard of herring.

A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says 'Can I join you?'

Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed." Guest: "I'll make my own bed." Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

IF THERE IS A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN, I HOPE IT'S AN ESCALATOR.

I had a joke about hair that wasnt that good but it was all i could comb up with.

As an executioner, I often asked prisoners if they had a last request.
My last inmate asked me for a high five.

But I just left him hanging.

Earth, Wind and Fire were a great band. Funking amazing!!

So I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought to myself…
"Why the hell are you called earlier?"

My friend and I are having an argument about the best type of sunglasses. The issue is very polarizing.

My Ex wedding will
Be on Sunday
I can't wait to Dance
And kick the cake
By mistake.

Some people say it is hard being a hostage. I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning and exercise.

And, I was right.

My friend says he’s finally going to teach me how to swim, but I’m not holding
my breath.

You're not a model. You're just a girl with an iPhone and 23 editing apps. Calm down.

The majority of train derailments are due to the engineer being distracked.

“A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk.”
— Charlie Chaplin

I was engaged to a boy with a wooden leg.
I got angry and broke it off.

You know, I could never be a vampire, because I don't like working the night shift.