Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's black and runny?

Usain Bolt.

I've decided to kill off some of the characters in the book I'm writing.
It's really going to spice up my autobiography.

- Вот знаешь, Фима, всё хорошо, пока не начнешь выяснять- кому.

Размышления от тёти Песи.
- Если таки брать от жизни всё, то куда это прятать?

- Ой,Фима, я забыла хлеба купить. Сходишь?
Через 15 минут,Фима с батоном и бутылкой .
- Цилечка, ты не поверишь! У них таки снова не было сдачи..

Those who appreciate Colour Jokes have a great sense of hue-mour.

When I became manager, I set the bar real high. Now my employees have to reach extra hard to get the booze.

Her: Honey, what is manipulation?
Me: I bet you one dollar that you can't wash all the dishes in ten minutes.
Her: Get my money ready.

Parking a car doesn't need much space.
Parking 10 cars?
That needs a lot.

The French have named a mushroom after Muhammad Ali. They think it’s the greatest champignon of all time.

I've been working on a Scandinavian joke. It would be Swede if I could Finnish it, but right now there's just Norway.

You know what catches my eye... Short People with umbrellas .

My body is like a Greek Temple
In ruins.

My friend got arrested for illegally shipping mats from Zimbabwe. They arrested him for being a rug dealer.

Every time I get out of the shower and look into the mirror, I see an asshole.
Maybe I should have installed it at eye level.

Whats the difference between Game of Thrones and a porno?
At the end of the porno everyone was satisfied.

I need someone to brush their teeth with me because my dentist said brushing alone will not prevent cavities

The best time to open a gift is the present.

Циля :
— Фима, ты таки не представляешь, какой классный подарок я тебе приготовила!
— Так показывай уже скорее!
— Сейчас, я его уже надеваю.

Как говориля тётя Песя :
- И шоб вы себе понимали,шо брак для мужчины - это таки счастье усиленного режима..

"Art is never finished, only abandoned."
— Leonardo da Vinci

What do you call a sex scene between two trans people?

Transaction.

I was a bit upset when I overheard our lass telling her friend I'm useless in the bedroom department.
The wallpapering isn't that bad.

Looking back through time, I realize.
Being crazy is my way of staying sane.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

The fact that Head and Shoulders has not made a bodywash called Knees and Toes, really bothers me.

My girlfriend broke up with me just because a dog chased us and I ran faster than her.

—He perdido mis contactos.
—Eres el electricista más tonto que conozco.

My doctor said that I should watch my drinking, so now I just go to bars with mirrors.

I joined the rowing team for health reasons...

since then Ive had repeated strokes.

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French kitchen? Linoleum Blownapart.

Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? Because it was all booked up.

I own intelligent farm animals.
One's learned to drive a boat.
I’d show you, but unfortunately that sheep has already sailed.

Miley Cyrus owns a Rocky Mountain vacation home.

It's located in Hannah, Montana.

Sex before marriage is considered a sin…
After marriage a miracle!

GIRL: why didn’t you tell me you had a small guitar?

BOY: you didn’t inform me I was going to perform in a community hall.

Dating many Boy's doesn't mean You're Beautiful.
Cheap product have many Buyers.

Did you see the giraffe race? It was neck and neck.

Friend: “When can I come and see the baby?”

Me: “3am would be really helpful. Thanks.”

My grandmother just reached 105.

That's the last fu**ing time I get in the car when she's late for bingo!

Where do rabbits go after they get married ? On a bunnymoon !

Nurse: "What happened to your fingers?"
Me: You know those chefs who can chop things up really fast?" Nurse: Yes
Me: I can't do that.

What do you call a whale with no pants on?

Free Willy.

It's really easy to beat lesbians in a game of ro-sham-bo because they always go for scissors.

Never trust people who draw art for a living. They are sketchy people.

A friend of mine accidently stepped on a mouse trap in the dark and cut off his toe. The doctor reattached it. He used a toe nail.

Is the water closet a place to hang your swim suits?

An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman looks at him and says, "Be jesus, how big is the teapot?"

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him Ive successfully installed Java.

He hates me.

It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

What do gun jokes and American school kids have in common?

Neither get old.

"Nobody here touched anything..."

-Lying Ass End Users

I made a rocking chair today.

It wasnt meant to rock, Im just terrible at woodwork.

Apply at the alphabet soup factory. You’ll make over 500 K’s a year!

— Яша, я уже вышла из ванны и жду неприличных предложений…
— Софочка, а давай заправим оливье кетчупом.
— Нет, Яша, это уже перебор!

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day.
Nailed it!

"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead."
— Oscar Wilde

While at the grocery store, be careful not to knock over the cabbage display.

Heads will roll.

What animal that resides in the casino?

A Sloth Machine.

Пятачок спрашивает у ослика Иа:
- Скажи, пожалуйста, а что, собственно, значит твоё имя Иа?
И ослик печально отвечает:
- Иосиф Аронович.

I’ve finally completed the first item on my bucket list.
- I have the bucket!

The best way to see the capital of France is with a Pariscope.

“No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

— Моня, я отдала твои джинсы нашему соседу. — Это еще в честь чего?! — Ну они все равно тебе не нравились. — Так и шо?! Давай теперь отдадим соседу твою маму.

If he is consistently inconsistent, is he consistent or inconsistent?

What's the opposite of Ohio?

Olowo.

My friend has a compulsion of dipping his testicles into glitter.

Pretty Nuts when you think about it.

Why did the two orange traffic guidance devices fall in love?

<They felt a deep cone-ection.>

Two elderly ladies were out jogging in the park, a flasher jumped out on them...one lady had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.

Циля :
- Знаешь,Фима,я хочу купить себе новую кофточку. Как ты думаешь, как должна выглядеть красивая кофточка?
- Ну, я таки думаю,шо высокая такая, стройная...

В этом мире вера осталась только у алоэ.

Как говорил Семён Маркович: это хорошо, шо вас носят на руках, следите тока за тем, куда вас несут...

Those who appreciate Colour Jokes have a great sense of hue-mour.

Онн любил её без памяти.
У него был склероз!

- Алло, дайте мине Рабиновича!
- Не хотелось бы говорить Вам "нет", но таки да!
- Я страшно интересуюсь спросить его за его здоровье!
- Я Вам скажу за его здоровье - оно так себе...
- Так скажите Рабиновичу, шо пусть он расскажет мине за все свои подробности!
- Вы будете огорчаться, но Рабинович немножечко умер...
- Прямо-таки настолько, шо не хочет со мной поговорить?!..

Как говорила тётя Песя :
- И шоб вы себе знали,скромность, украшающая человека, таки, называется бижутерией..

У всех девушек бабочки в животе требовали любви, и только моль в животе у Розы требовала шубу.

Grandpa's wishes were to be cremated, so we did just that; I think he Urned it.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

I bought some sexy crotchless panties in Victoria's Secret today.
"A surprise for the wife?" asked the cashier.
"Maybe" I replied, "It all depends on whether she catches me wearing them or not."