Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A woman went to store and asked for a maternity bra.
"what bust?" asked the saleswoman.

" The fucking condom" she replied.

Vaginas are like gyms....
I'm rarely inside one, but when I am, I sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope nobody notices.

Why are virgins so chill?
Zero fucks given.

Молодая одесситка приходит к врачу:
- Доктор, мой муж болен.
- Так. Раздевайтесь и покажите, где у него болит!

General Lee was generally a good general!

What are the chances of a cow standing in a field getting struck by lightning?

Medium rare.

During an inquiry, a priest was asked if he had had improper sexual relations.
He said that he had nun.

Why do some men call breasts headlights?
Because when they see them they brighten up their day.

- У тебя бывает дежавю?
- Мне кажется, ты это уже спрашивал.

Having a duck orgy at my house...
If anyone wants to come on down.

Did you hear about the piece of fruit that left it's wallet at a George Michael concert in Zurich?
It was a Careless Swiss Pear.

Why can’t a pirate go to a orgy?
Because he wants all the booty for himself.

What do you call an orgy during a pandemic?
A super spreader event.

If a job interviewer asks about a time you worked as part of a team...
Don't tell them about the orgy.

What would one of the Beatles say during an orgy?
Cum together, right now, over me.

A mathematician's son asks him:" dad, what is an orgy?"
The Mathematician replies:" 230 divided by 3.3."

What can you say both at an orgy and while apologizing?
I think we got off on the wrong foot.

Yeah, it’s an orgy but we still have rules!
Come on people!

What’s the policy for the buffet at the orgy?
First Come First Serve.

What do you call an orgy involving famous musicians?
A release party.

Have you heard about the orgy at the campground?
It’s fucking in tents.

What is considered the polite way to end an orgy?
Thank everyone for coming!

What do you call a redneck orgy?
A family reunion.

What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an orgy with pirates?
One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you cum!

Для ценителей прекрасного появились в продаже календари за прошлый год.

Временные трудности сменились трудными временами.

A guy had a toe amputated and replaced it with a breath mint. He now has a ....
Tic tac toe.

There’s no “I” in team but there is a “U” in cunt.

Разговор двух одесситок:
- Мой Фима недавно сел за рояль.
- И шо же он на нём сыграл?
- Ничего. Он его украл.

What did π say to i? Get real.

What did i say to π? Be rational.

They say makeup sex is the best, but I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle.

What do you call an unsolicited vagina pic?
An ambush.

What's the difference between weed and a vagina?
If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it's good.

Tried to buy a neutron the other day.
Guy behind the counter just gave it to me - no charge.

Глупость - это когда не хватает ума скрывать его отсутствие.

What does a European person say when they see something nasty?
EU.

Some people drink deeply from the well of knowledge... Others just rinse and spit.

How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid?
They have a sex drive.

Modern women say they are not housekeepers...
Yet after a divorce, who keeps the house.

Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?
You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

Life is like a penis.
Often hard for no reason!

We’ve just gotten into tantric sex…
It’s been a long time coming!

How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.

What did the penis say to the condom?
“Cover me, I’m going in.”

Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head.

Where does a Hornet swim at?
The Beeach.

How did you quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after sex.

I used to listen to U2 but I am so over the edge.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife has passed away.

Sex is like a burrito…
Don’t unwrap or that baby’s in your lap.

A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti…
It says, “Damn, that was one hell of an orgy!”

What did the clitoris say to the vulva?
“It’s all good in the hood!”

Did you hear about the man who got turned into a giant penis?
He was a real dick about it.

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?

She outgrew her b-shells!

Лена стремительно толстела, так как враги за ужином не приходили.

When at the supermarket, I always pick the cashier who’s most likely to have sex with me. Always end up at self-checkout.

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean.

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

Are you a trampoline?

Because I want to bounce on you.

Is your name winter?

Because you’ll be coming soon.

Are you my new boss?
Because you just gave me a raise.

Are you a termite?
Cause you are about to have a mouth full of wood.

My manhood is only six inches, but it smells like a foot.

In a lesbian relationship, which one cooks?

Neither, they eat out.

Lick me until ice cream.

My neighbour just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

My blind date tonight is 6 ft 6 inches tall.

Can't wait 2metre.

I asked a girl selling calendars out on a date.

Before we got married, my wife promised me that she would be good in bed.
Admittedly, she can sleep very well.

Wrote a book about the Black Death.
Accused of plaguerism.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other:

I can’t believe I blew fifty bucks in there.

Do you know why a witch never wears panties?

More grip on the broom.

What is the difference between a prostitute and a 7-year-old?

You don’t know? You sick weirdo.

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They are both stuck up cunts.

What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?

About three inches.

Did you hear about the guy who died because he was erect for too long?

They couldn’t close his casket.

What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball?

She gagged.

What do you get when you mix human DNA and goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.