Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I hated it when my mom dressed my brother and me in the same clothes when we were kids.
We could hardly walk.

Guys, you know you're getting old when....
.... your dick doesn't get stiff, but everything else does.

Both my wife and I went to the orthopedist because we had pain in our knees.
He said it was a joint problem.

It's been so hot today, I just saw two trees fighting over a dog!

У утонувшей коровы
молоко топлёное.

Однажды один чел простудился в ломбарде. Теперь у него нос заложен.

I went to a Jewish massage parlor and asked my masseuse for a happy ending.

So she gave me a 10% discount off my visit.

My brother is a carpenter. He tried to fasten two pieces of wood together. He screwed up first and then he nailed it.

Short people argue alot because they can't see the point.

So I got asked today:
“Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?”
I said: “Obviously a lift engineer.”

You'd think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they're being friendly, but really they steal each other's electrons.

How ionic.

“I am a slow walker, but I never walk back.”
— Abraham Lincoln

- Малдер, во мне Чужой!
- Спокойно, Салли, это мой.

"Software and cathedrals are much the same – first we build them, then we pray."
- Sam Redwine

I used to date an opera singer, but I had to get rid of her...
She was all "Mi, mi, mi..."

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

Why do women prefer older Gynecologists?
Their hands shake.

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.

I've been asked if I would run the London Marathon next year..
I said, I'm flattered to be asked, but I don't think I could organise such a big event!

'Periods of 60 minutes' are not yours – they're hours.

The word PAPA means pope in Italian, shark in Swahili, potato in Quechua and arse in Maori.
I wonder if papa John ever shoved a hot papa up the papa of a basking papa?

Some people change relationships like the rest of us change underwear.
At least once a day, sometimes more if shit got messy.

My neighbour said she thinks she knows who's stealing her underwear.
I nearly crapped her pants when she said that.

I killed a female mosquito today. You may imagine how I know it's a female. It was flying close to my pocket.

I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs. But I trust a dog when it doesn't like a person.

The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.

I wanna get kidnapped to see if I’m smart enough to escape.

Шлемензон встречает на Ришельевской своего приятеля Рабиновича и говорит:
- Я очень расстроился, узнав, что в твоём магазине был пожар.
В ответ Рабинович наклонился к его уху и прошептал:
- Тс-с-с! Это будет завтра!..

Если в слове КВАС все буквы сдвинуть по алфавиту на одну букву, то получится слово ЛГБТ.

My wife said I should stop making stupid puns and take her abortion more seriously.

I won't let this d-fetus.

I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.

It was in memory of all those who had died at the front.

Чем больше в армии потерь, тем больше звезд у генералов.

My face in the mirror isn't so wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty, and the dust is all gone. My garden looks lovely, and so does my lawn. I think I might never put my glasses back on.

I heard that Mike Tyson likes play station. I'm surprised, I always thought of him as an xboxer.

What did the IT support guy do yesterday after eating Taco Bell?
He troubleshat.

BREAKING: Elon Musk offers to purchase the FBI for $100 billion.
No word yet if the Clinton's are willing to sell.

I bet the guy standing at the urinal next to me regrets wearing flip-flops today...

I was sitting naked on the bed and the maid walked in
...finally.

What do you call ladyparts made from sugar, butter and chocolate?
A Fudgina.

How can you tell a Parrot isn't telling the truth? It fails a pollygraph test.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

I found a book, in my refrigerator. It's the coolest book I own.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

Сумма таланта и зависти - это константа.

What do Canadians call a wet pussy?
An eager beaver.

My wife is mad at me. I forgot to open the car door for her.
Instead I panicked, and swam to the surface.

- У вас женщины без закидонов есть?
- Конечно! Только их надувать нужно.

Хороший комплимент должен начинаться с оскорбления. Чтобы можно было на контрасте сыграть.

Censorship is the tool of those who have the need to hide actualities from themselves and from others.

Сидят два одессита. Один говорит:
- Изя, моей Саре ceкс нужен каждый день. А я уже не молод, так больше не могу.
- Абрам, я тебя много лет назад предупреждал: не женись на некрасивой женщине, тебе никто помогать не будет.

You can't call a short man an "ankle biter" at work

I've learned this now.

I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.
Cum to know more.

Tobacco chewers have spit personalities.

I got a really angry and weird look from my gf the other day during sex.
Turns out it didn't help that she was looking at me through the window.

What happens when your make an asían girl squirt? She charges you 10 cents for extra sauce.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a Twinkie?

Nothing. They both squirt their white stuff when you eat it.

My parents are having custody battle right now. My mom’s argument to the judge is that she gave birth to me. My dad said...
I was his little squirt.

How can you tell if an orange is male or female?
If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.

What do you call a stripper who also works as a hooker who is known for squirting?
Krystal Geyser.

What is it called when a man feels bad for squirting on a woman?
Cumpassion.

A man squirts water on his girlfriend’s skirt with a squirting gun.

His girlfriend starts laughing hysterically, and the man asks why.

“Well you see, you finally got me wet!”

What happens if you have sex with a Mcdonalds employee and you make her squirt?
She charges you 25 cents for extra sauce.

I walked into my sister squirting herself with a carrot...
I said "Damn, I was going to eat that but now it tastes like carrot."

If you think female squirt isn't piss.
Then Urine for a big surprise.

I Like Women Who Squirt
Ketchup all over my french fries.

What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?
An honorable discharge.

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job".

If I'm ever found dead on a jogging trail, Just know I was killed somewhere else and dragged there.

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.
That’s the last time we try knife throwing

Officer: “Have you been drinking?”
Jim: “Absolutely not!!”
Officer: “Can you say the alphabet starting with ‘M’ ”?
Jim: “Malphabet.”

So I was walking my dog through the cemetery today.
A fella says to me: "Morning"

I said: "No, just walking the dog".

How did Captain Hook die?
- He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!

What's a guy doing when he's donating sperm for money?
A nut job.

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
She has to chew before she swallows!

I just made my girlfriend a coffee using sperm instead of milk.
I call it an ejaculatte.

"I'm terribly sorry but I was tied up for hours."
"Apology not accepted. That was knot nice."

I wish my Husband knew the difference between antidote and anecdote. I got bit by a snake and he starts telling me funny stories.

Ham and eggs -
A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

I couldn't find the bloody thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.

Apparently she left me yesterday.

What does cocaine smell like? I see every junkie fuck smelling it....