Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why didn’t Barbie ever get pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box.

I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

Husband: “Fancy a quickie.”

Wife: “As opposed to what?”

Governments are only legalizing gay marriage so they stop having sex.

The first time I had sex, I kept the receipt.

- What’s the difference between love and herpes?
- Love doesn’t last forever.

Last time a woman saw me naked for the first time, she screamed and ran out of the park.

I saw a dildo for sale described as “nine inches long and realistic.”
I thought: Which is it?

The couple next door recently made a sex tape. They just don’t know it yet.

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her… so I said yes.

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?
A beaver dam!

What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

A naked man broke into a church.

The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
"I want you inside me."

I once knew a girl with a fetish for synnesthesia.
Eventually, she came to her senses.

I'm embarrassed by my donkey fetish.
Sometimes it makes me feel like an ass.

I knew my fetishes were getting out of hand, when I spanked a statue…
I had hit rock bottom.

My friend with a poop fetish asked me for a favour.
‘Do me a solid’, he said.

I have a sexual fetish for intellectual breakthroughs.
I struggled for a while, but then I came to a realization.

I have a fetish for magnets.
I don't know why, I just find them attractive.

The wife said she's leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said fine! Don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out.

What is Princess Leia's favorite sex act fetish ?
Giving Han Jobs.

I had some frogs legs in a restaurant the other evening and they made me extremely drunk.
I'm guessing it must be the Hops.

You know what they call a foot fetish in Paris?
They got the metric system, they wouldn't know what the hell a foot is.

I've developed some really weird fetishes lately.
What have I come to?

What was the jazz singer’s fetish ?
Scat.

Yesterday i found out that i got a foot fetish.
Because i like Mentos.

I never thought I'd have a fetish for collecting data on people.
But then I came to my census.

I have a foot fetish...
I have tried using meters but it just doesn't work for me.

My wife recently left me because of my pasta-touching fetish.
I have been feeling cannelloni.

Не бездельник, а идейный противник работы и адепт энтропии.

My kids were throwing Scrabble tiles at eachother last night,
I shouted " it's all fun and games until someone loses an i."

Netherlands, Netherlands.
It's all double Dutch to me.

My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like
a fucking bitch.

My gf told me that I act like a clown.
It was so unexpected and upsetting I stopped juggling and almost fell off my unicycle.

People say u will never find a wife on Tinder.
Bro. I found your wife on Tinder.

Today is "National girlfriend day" ..And coincidentally "I hope my wife doesn't come home from work early day"..

The difference between Watt and Ohm...
Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

"As fire tests gold, so misfortune tests brave men."

— Seneca

My Gramma broke up with her heavy metal boyfriend. I guess she’s off her rocker.

Its not recommended to invest in submarines right now. That business is going under.

Going back to your ex is like reheating McDonald's fries.

Honey theres a witch at the door what shall I do?

Just give it sweets tell it to go away

My mother-in-law hasnt spoken to me since.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.

Unfortunately, she blew it.

Origami porn is in creasing on paper view.

My ex-girlfriend and I still have a lot of chemistry between us.
Admittedly, it's the kind you get between acetone and hydrogen peroxide...

Дурак - это человек, которому нравится отвечать на риторические вопросы.

Yo mama so fat...

that when she has threesomes the dudes never meet.

Good- I've just had a threesome.

Bad-It was two guys and a girl.

Ugly-The girl was a blow-up doll.

The Greeks invented threesomes.

The Romans added the women.

My boyfriend wants to have a threesome.
My boyfriend wants to have a threesome. So I told him when cloning is legal, then he can have one.

Why mexicans cant cross the border in threes?
No trespassing.

had a threesome with two anorexic girls last night...
... Two birds one stone

I Had A Threesome With My Best Friend and His Girlfriend
After the first 45 minutes I told him, "I don't think she's coming."

A teacher asks, "What's the difference between a problem and a challenge?"
A student repsonds, "3 boys + 1 girl = problem. 1 boy + 3 girls = challenge."

I had a threesome with two girls. They said they were 28 years old...
How was I supposed to know they meant combined? They really look like adults, especially the 20-years old.

I never want to have a threesome,
If I wanted to dissappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.

I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...
It was wrong on so many levels.

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

I hate people who use deep English just to make us feel intoxicated by exuberance of verbosity betaprutal contraption.

So, what kind of whiskey do dogs like?
Jack spaniel's!!

A common mistake is thinking our hair turns white as we grow old. That's not true. The hair color doesn't change. It's our life that gets darker.

I was kicked out of Vienna for telling a joke. I was Austriacized.

Girls love 6 packs.
Women love 6 inches.
Legends love 6 hours.

My blanket just became an insurance agent.

It offers full coverage.

I found my first grey pubic hair today..
Normally things like that don't bother me...
But this was in my Big Mac..

I forgot to take the laundry out of the washer. They dried of natural causes.

My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.
It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

Linux problems? Be root!
Windows problems? Reboot!
MacOS problems? Rebuy!

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive.
Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive.

I wish you all a great 2017.

The local Thai restaurant ran out spice, so it closed for the season.

Having been raised Catholic I didn’t learn until later in life it was OK to date a nun as long as you didn’t get in the habit.