Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I went to McDonald's and ordered 2
large fries.

They gave me around 75 tiny ones
instead.

You can’t live a full life on an empty stomach.

Never backtrack and repeat your actions for anyone.

Read that again.

- Why is airline food so bad?
- Because it smells like 36,000 feet!

Купил курс, где английскому обучают во сне. Но жена выгнала преподавательницу из нашей постели...

What do you call a detective who just
solves cases accidentally?
Sheer Luck Holmes.

My wife and I had words; however, I didn't get to use mine!

What do you call children born from incest?

Gross Domestic Product.

What do you get when you cross a redneck and another redneck?

Incest.

Kenny was into incest until his mom died. Now he’s into necrophilia.

Incest. When “slow down and apply more lube bro” REALLY means slow down and apply more lube bro.

If you have a heart attack and choose not to go the doctor, is that a grave decision?

I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back till i realized it is a family buisness.
#incestjoke

I hate family reunions.
I see too many of my ex’s there.
#incestjoke

What do incest families do on Halloween? Pumpkin.

Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?
Mom: Shut up and keep licking.

Some people think incest jokes are funny. I just think it’s all relative.

The last thing i told my ex after we broke up was “at least we’re still cousins”.
#incest

When your crush walks in class but youre homeschooled…
#incest

What’s the best part about plowing your cousin?
-It makes your sister jealous.
#incest

TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn the TV on to the tennis and shut your eyes.

What's the best thing about being a necrophiliac?
You don't have to bring the flowers.

Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead.
Hey, thanks for the compliment!

How long does it take a necrophiliac to screw in a light bulb?
Not long... they like to do it while it's still warm.

My necrophiliac girlfriend told me I was dead to her.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

How can you tell a mortician is a necrophiliac?

He's always HARD at work.

"My girlfriend? You wouldn't know her. She's a bit underground."
...said the hipster necrophiliac.

A couple of necrophiliacs were walking around town. One of them saw a morgue and said:
"Hey, wanna go in for a couple of cold ones?"

What’s the difference between necrofilia and choking fetish?

15 seconds.

What is a necrophiliac’s favorite candy?
A Hearsey’s Kiss.

Digging stuff up is too hard.
Guess Necrophilia isn’t for everybody.

What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?
Mourning wood.

In the hardware shop:
Me: can I have 20 light bulbs please?
Assistant: 60 watt?
Me: No, 20... And I want "LIGHT BULBS"

Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

"In Scotland, the word 'fucking' is just a warning that a noun is on its way" - Frankie Boyle.

I entered the world kleptomaniac championship tournament.

I took gold, silver and bronze.

I was becoming more and more frustrated while looking for assistance in the phone book. The first three florists I called knew nothing about flooring.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I'm getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

At my funeral,
Take the bouquet out of my coffin and throw it into the coward.
See who's next!

Nothing beats a cup of coffee and a biscuit... well apart from eight lagers and a shag.

- Жорик, а вы чего не заходите?
- Берта Аркадьевна, но ведь вы сами отказали.
- Отказала. Но ведь не наотрез...

I don't know why some boys cheats on their girlfriend, I have 4 girlfriends and I have never cheated on them.

Man: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Man: What is a million pounds(£££) like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Man: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second.

Every time I see a set of twins, I always ask them: Which one of you is the unplanned one?

Never trust a man that calls you SEXY because he will remove the Y and have sex with you then run away with S and call you Ex.

I tried bobsleighing for the first time last year. I killed 5 Bobs.

For several years on Saturday I took my family to the Farmers’ Market.
- But I haven’t sold one of them yet!

Me go to Gamblers Anonymous? No dice.

Why can't Jesus judge gay people?

Because he got nailed right before he died.

Incest is relatively boring, necrophilia is dead boring...

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I'm less and less related to some of my relatives.

Men don't become more mature as they age.
They become better at hiding how immature they really are.

During sexual intercourse Jimmy suddenly stops and becomes motionless..

Girl: What the heck are you doing??

Jimmy: I have seen this on adult porn sites, it's called "buffering"

Yes, I'm a professor. I teach intercourse 101 and my gf is the only student.
She's getting a D.

My dick is like a tsunami.
No one will try riding it.

— Алло, это Вы объявили вознаграждение за пропавшую собачку?
— Да! А шо, Вы её нашли?!
— Ещё, таки, нет… Но хотелось бы получить аванс!

A bartender turned chemist experimented with barium!

Have you heard about the new film about a pig with no eyes.
it’s rated PG.

Interesting Fact:
‘Methamphetamine’
was shortened to ‘meth’ so it was easier to say with no front teeth.

People who fix watches have a lot of time on their hands .

My wife and I separated due to our disagreements over astrology. It Taurus apart.

Due to COVID19, all TCP applications are being converted to UDP to avoid handshakes.

Wife: I can't believe it, first I am diagnosed with dyslexia.

Then I find out I have tiny tits.

Husband: Tinnitus babe Tinnitus..

Scientists have found bones on the moon. Apparently the cow didn't make it!!!

The bicycle spoke in a flat tired voice…

Premature ejaculator:
Seeks young attractive woman for a fling,

Must have large tits, big lips and a tight arse,

and....aaaaaw, fuck sake, never mind!!!!!!

My music teacher refused to help me write the melody for my final class project. He saw I was upset and said that I needed to compose myself.

“A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk.”
— Charlie Chaplin

Friend of mine puts blood, sweat and tears into everything he does. Great guy, awful chef.

It's not a hot water heater, it's just a water heater, unless you're heating hot water.

The Number One reason why men prefer guns
over women - - - - -You can buy a silencer for a gun.

My new girlfriend said it would be at least six months before she'd consider giving me oral sex......

I told her that I fully understand and respect her decision and that I will call her again nearer the time....😂

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.
I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

The definition of an alcoholic is anyone who drinks more than you do.

Be careful who you trust, even salt looks like sugar.

*Sexting over walkie talkies*

“Hell yeah baby bend over.”

“Bend what? Over.”

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

My friend Humphrey never has to pay at the brothel...

Спонсор сегодняшнего показа «Мамин страпон».
«Мамин страпон, весь в папу!».

My neighbor just got hired as a firefighter. His first job was to paint the truck, but he used the wrong color. He really blue it.