Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Врач: - На что жалуетесь?
Пациент: - Мне бабы не дают... (рыдает)
Врач медсестре: - Дайте ему воды.
Медсестра: - Не дам!

На приеме у врача: - Я сделал все, что мог.
- Доктор, но вы просто подули на ранку!
- Все, что мог...

Doctor "I don't know how to tell you this."
Wife "just tell me."
Doctor "your husband is an asshole."
Wife *bursts into tears* "I knew it"

My dick is only 6 inches, but some girls like it that wide!

My dick is only 6 inches, from the ground!

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.
She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

I masturbate fully naked , you don’t like it ?

Then go to a different McDonald’s.

-¿Por qué necesitas dos rollos de papel higiénico?
-Por si acaca.

Just got a message from a random guy asking me to meet him in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fuckin' weirdo...
He didn't even show up!

Мы так боимся быть навязчивыми, что кажемся равнодушными.

What do you call a Mexican girl with no ass?
A flatina.

Neighbour: "Your wife has an amazing accent, where does she come from?"

Husband: "Usually the pub"..

I have a piece of furniture that disappears for a few days, then returns again.

It's periodic table.

There is no extra time at a Botox appointment. They keep a pretty tight schedule.

When a stallion is lying down; he is in the horse-ontal position.

Two interesting facts about me:

1: My Penis is the exact length of two IKEA pencils.

2: I've got a lifetime ban from IKEA!

In America Casino Royale is called Casino Quarter Pounder.

My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

Never date a married woman,

I will explain when I get discharged from the hospital.

"What's with all these feline creatures flying over my house?"
"Oh, I was testing out my catapult."

The cross-eyed circumciser was so bad, he got the sack.

Went to a wife swapping party last night.
Result.
Got a set of headlamps for a Ford Capri and three Shakin’ Stevens LPs.

I wrote a book about alcohol. The first draft has been sent to my pub-lusher.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

I'd love to go to Oslo, but there's Norway I can a-fjord it.

Vacuum cleaner stopped sucked, it must have gotten married.

Masturbation is a satans typewriter, I go write an essay.

You’ve heard of a 69, but have you heard of a 71?
It’s like a 69 , but with two watching.

I'm 32 but my wife turns 69
If I ask her politely.

Today, me and my wife had a .69
It would have been a hundred times better without the period.

Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water. Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.
Therefore 69 is dirty.

I had a 69 with my son's teacher,
wait, he's homeschooled. Nevermind.

So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69 .
Apparently, "I do." is not the correct answer.

I asked my German wife to give me a 69 .
She replied, “Sex, Nein!”

I was really excited when I picked up a book titled “ 69 Mating positions ”.
Turns out it was about chess.

What is 6.9??
69 ruined by a period.

How do a violinist and a cellist perform a 69 ?
The cellist fingers the G with some vibrato, and the violinist is doing a bouncing spiccato on the D.

How does 69 differ from a family reunion?
During 69, you only see 1 asshole!

Everyone is a fan of the 69 position but I prefer the 68.
That's when you blow me and I owe you one.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

What’s the square root of 69 ?
Ate something.

When a man and a woman have simultaneous oral sex, we call it 69. What do we call it if it is two men in a similar position?
Eleven.

Husband: “hey honey, how about a 69 tonight?”
Wife: “the number you have dialed is not in service at this time”.

How to respond when someone asks if you want to 69 ?
I’m down if you’re down.

Saw 2 druggies having 69 in the park.
He was on crack, she was on blow.

What does 69 plus 69 equal ?
Dinner for 4.

"Dad what is 69 ?" asks son
Dad: Well son, it a position where a man and women pleasure each other orally.
Son: So what shall I write? Odd or even.

69% of people will find something sexual in this sentence!

6yr old Daughter: “Daddy, what is 69?”
Daddy: “It’s just a number dear.”
Daughter: “It’s no wonder Mommy left you!”

Why can Miss Piggy only count to 68?
When she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

Never ask a 69 year old to act their age!

Как узнать, что девушка любит золотой дождь..?
У неё на лице написано...

The pregnant woman who couldn't sing wasn't using her diaphragm properly.

Man saw a revival at clear water, but didnt lend any credence to that fact.

Once in a while send "I miss you babe" to your ex just to interrupt the healing process...

- Ты никогда меня не понимал!
- Вискарь будешь?
- Возможно, я ошибалась в тебе.

I was at the Vatican Gift shop, and I notice they had their own line of perfume! It’s called Heaven Scent!

I got a part in a movie called "Cocaine". I only have one line.

My young son pointed at a lesbian couple kissing in the park...

So i walked over and said, "There's a time and a place for that, ladies"...

They looked at me. "Oh, is there now"...? asked one lady, folding her arms...

I said, "Yes. It's 9pm and my house"...

I don't like partying with sober people.
The next day they remember everything!

I believe in sharing the road with other drivers... they can have the part behind me.

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope.
I gave them away.
I hate religious nuts.

“Dad what is 69?” asks son Dad: Well son, it a position where a man and women pleasure each other orally. Son: So what shall I write? Odd or even.

They told me I have to do sexual harassment training at work.
Which is ridiculous, I’m already very good at it.

- Здравствуйте, я Женя, хитрый гинеколог.
- А в чем хитрость?
- Я не гинеколог!

Butt jokes aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Information about the human brain is not always black and white. It’s really more of a gray matter.

How do you turn a pussy into a fearless warrior?
Give her a keyboard.

A cat falls in a pond and a rooster laughs.
The moral of this story? A wet pussy makes a cock happy.

At a certain age "Being good in bed" simply means not snoring...

My gf complains to me about constantly being sexually harassed at work​.
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office.

Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
His partner was frigid.

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony. Eating too much pie is ok bcoz the sin of pi is always zero.

Beethoven to crowd: Are you having a good time?!
Crowd: YEEAAHH!
Beethoven: I can't hear you!

My dating agency set me up on my first date last night, when I turned up she turned out to be very thin with red hair.
I got a call from the agency today "Was she a match?" they asked.
I replied "She certainly was".

Огурцы съешь сам, кабачки раздай друзьям, а баклажаны оставь в рагу.

Good news...I just landed a role in a movie. Bad news...It’s a porn movie and I’m the husband going to work.

Ladies call me The Weather Man.
I promise 8 inches, but only give you 2.

What does D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexic Association.

A friend of mine brought over an invisible plant he had in a jar. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.