Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

“If one prevents a man from working for the good of society while at the same time providing for the satisfaction of his own needs, then only one way remains open to him: to make himself richer and others poorer by the violent oppression and spoliation of his fellow men.”
- Ludwig von Mises

“Socialism, or communism as it is sometimes called, is merely a secular religion, where the State becomes a god.”
- Stefan Molyneux

“When poverty declines, the need for government declines, which is why expecting government to solve poverty is like expecting a tobacco company to mount an aggressive anti-smoking campaign.”
- Stefan Molyneux

“All utopias are dystopias. The term "dystopia" was coined by fools that believed a "utopia" can be functional.”
- A.E. Samaan

“Libertarianism holds that the only proper role of violence is to defend person and property against violence, that any use of violence that goes beyond such just defense is itself aggressive, unjust, and criminal”
- Murray N. Rothbard

“But let me offer you my definition of social justice: I keep what I earn and you keep what you earn. Do you disagree? Well then tell me how much of what I earn belongs to you - and why?”
- Walter E. Williams

The most dangerous thing you can do with marijuana. Get caught with it.
-Willie Nelson.

What do a butthole and a 9v battery have in common?

We know we shouldn’t put our tongue on it but we do it anyway.

I don't have a drinking problem... I'm just really thirsty.

I'm not really stupid...
I'm just pretending..
So I'll "fit in".

NASA has a whole division dedicated to editing photos and screening them before they are fit for public consumption.

“I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way.”
― Robert Frost

"Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence."
~ Leonardo da Vinci

History is a well orchestrated lie.

They have you fighting each other instead of the system that enslaves you.

I've done stupid things in my life before, I even once got married.

"Philanthropy" is code for money laundering.

Research suggests that 10% of men pay for sex

The other 90% just don't realize that they pay for sex.

Thanks to road engineering design, emotional drivers
can pull off to the side and have a shoulder to cry on.

Why did the prostitute give the diabetic a free blowjob?
She thought it'd be sweet.

I asked a hooker if she’d give me free sex.
She said “I don’t give a fuck.”

Ванька-встанька - исконно славянская игрушка, воплощающая вечную мечту русской бабы о трезвом мужике с устойчивой потенцией.

If the news is fake, imagine how bad history is.

Just found out today that I'm allergic to Viagra.

It makes me swell up.

Выводы, сделанные из выводов, - это квинтэссенция умения обобщать.

Modern slaves are not in chains,
They are in debt.

"The past was erased, the erasure was forgotten, the lie became the truth"
~ Orwell 1984.

Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning and exercise....
And, I was right.

Way to disassociate from the system: Install Linux.

A lion doesn't concern itself with the opinions of sheep.

Historically, disarmament of citizens has almost always led to mass murder or genocide at the hands of corrupt, criminal governments.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The eyes are useless when the mind is blind.

When people are afraid to question authority, authority becomes unquestionable.

"You will live to see man-made horrors beyond your comprehension."
~ Nikola Tesla

"From now on, depressions will be scientifically created."
~ Congressman Charles A. Lindbergh Sr., 1913 (year that Federal Reserve Act was passed)

According to Mystery Schools, words and names hold certain amounts of energy. Key words give power to shape reality simply by speaking them.

When the mob governs, man is ruled by ignorance; when the church governs, he is ruled by superstition; when the state governs, he is ruled by fear.

The Federal Reserve is not federal, nor does it have a reserve to back up the dollar.

The Hall of Records is said to be an ancient library buried somewhere in Egypt, and many believe it could be located under the enigmatic Sphinx of Giza.

The Russians tried to invade Alaska but they couldn’t get their Berings Strait.

"We investigated ourselves and found that we did nothing wrong"
~ The Government

Альцгеймер — это возможность чувствовать себя счастливым вне зависимости от обстоятельств.

My body is just a filter... coffee comes in -
sarcasm goes out.

- А Саша выйдет?
- Нет, у него пожизненное.

Уверенности нет ни в чём,
поскольку Всё что нас окружает,
может быть плодом наших фантазий...
Даже санитары!

"I don't think I've ever tried to be anything other than a weirdo."
-- Martin Gore

I went to see my music teacher in his office today. He wasn't there, but I did find a note.

"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."
~ Benjamin Franklin

"Gold is the money of kings; silver is the money of gentlemen; barter is the money of peasants; debt is the money of slaves."
~ Norm Franz

How do you seduce a female programmer?
1: Be proficient in Python;
2: Have a big python.

Gender reveals are pointless now days.
“OMG ITS A BOY"
12 years later James is now Jessica with a penis.

What do you call a knight made entirely out of fine China?

Sir-amic.

- ИВАНОВ!
- Я
- КРУУГОМ!
- R

My wife and I will each pay our own way while vacationing in The Netherlands. That’s right, we’re going Dutch…

ADULTING is learning spitting in yo partners mouth is APART OF SEX .

Десантнику Боре парашют складывала бабушка.
Поэтому при раскрытии первыми вылетели шерстяные носки и шарф.

Voting is the adult version of writing a letter to Santa Claus.

Knowledge makes a man unfit to be a slave.
- A.Bratus.

A foolish man complains of his torn pocket while a wise man uses it to scratch his balls.

What do you call sexual intercourse between a priest and a nun?
Holy fuck.

Во время секса она закрывала глаза и представляла себя худой, а его богатым.

If money is the source of all sins,
Then I’m a motherfucking saint.

The first rule of Wank Club is:

Never shake hands , with another member of Wank Club.

Masturbation is easy...
Choosing a video is tough :-)

Went to a faith healer group last night.
He was so bad, even the guy in the wheelchair walked out.

Когда Любовь ушла, Аркаша жил Верой, а тешил себя Надеждой..

Агроном Люба уволилась с работы.
Ушла любовь — завяли помидоры.

I hate when girls try to kiss me during sèx.
i got a girlfriend. Chill.

Взрослая жизнь - это когда вы рекомендуете друг другу своих врачей.

Он был таким осторожным, что дрочил в презервативе.

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

I got fired for not embracing diversity enough.
Showing my pornhub search history didn't help.

Lots of people want chicken fingers.
But a very few wants to finger chickens.

У меня есть только один недостаток — завышенная самооценка, в остальном я бесподобен.

If you feel like life is slipping through your fingers
Just stop masturbating.

Aliens are probably monitoring our media.
98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language.