Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

У нас был план, но мы его скурили.

What do you call an ocean of Cats.

A Puss-Sea.

I hate when my wife accuses me of something I didn't think she knew about.

Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system

Uranus is between them.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I've been told.
Twice now.

Когда жрёшь дерьмо, уже неважно, в какой руке вилка, а в какой нож.

Предоплату придумали слабаки.

"You make mistakes, mistakes don't make you."

― Maxwell

My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.

She's kind of high maintenance.

The bigger the fupa, the tastier the chalupa.

Physics teachers act like they’ve met Newton for real.

She told me she wanted 8 inches so I had to give it to her twice.

IM NOT RACIST , MY TYRES ARE BLACK.

A Swiss automobile company is recalling its vehicles because they keep getting stuck in neutral.

Свидание - это буквально собеседование на секс, где все скрывают предыдущий опыт работы, а некоторые даже не увольнялись.

Whats the difference between a porn flick and a Hollywood movie?

They only show the gag reel at the end of the Hollywood movie.

The opposite of BDSM is BDHM

Baby, don't hurt me

- Ты замёрз? Тебе холодно?
- Нет, это он весь.

В чеченском цирке клоун запоминает всех, кто над ним смеется.

If you can't do anything about it then let it go. Don't be a prisoner to things you can't change.
- Tony Gaskins

What do women and engines have in common?
They both Suck, Squeeze, Bang, and Blow.

Today i saw a bunch of priests gang-banging

Holy Fuck!

What's the difference between a yoghurt and Australia?
If you leave a yogurt eventually it develops culture.

Newton said "The greater the mass, the greater the force of attraction"

Yet here I am. Still single.

People get married cos all good things have to come to an end.

Who called it a toilet seat and not an asstray?

Never judge a man until you’ve driven a mile with his wife.

У работы есть три плюса: зарплата, отпуск и пятница!

Shop local. Eat local. Spend local. Enjoy local. Support the local businesses who support the area where you live, work, and play.
- A.Br.

Lies kill, truth hurts.
- A.Bratus

My friend told me if I put the end of my penis in ice water my balls would stop itching.

Cool tip.

"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a spy."
"Well why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
"I'm a shepherd spy."

В старые времена люди болели гораздо реже. Часто всего один раз в жизни.

Фондовый рынок - это не казино! В казино мне хотя бы наливают виски, когда проигрываешь.

Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?

Прежде чем объявлять голодовку, убедитесь, что вас вообще собираются кормить.

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.
Ayn Rand.

“Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing.”
-Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

"Control the oil, and you control nations. Control the food, and you control the people." ~ Henry Kissenger

The Royal Mail Post Office is being renamed Charles III Post Office, or C3PO for short...

Никогда не сомневавшийся в правильности своего выбора просто его не делал.

Skeletons can't play church music because
they don't have organs.

People who talk to themselves are smarter.
.
At least, that's what I tell myself.

I was changing the flat tire by myself. Suddenly my car slipped off the jack, landing on my foot. Now I have no choice. I’m gonna need a toe.

Medical science is making such remarkable progress that soon none of us will be well.

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my gf for how long we've not been doing it.

The hardest part about waking a person up to the truth is first convincing them that they are asleep.

"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies."
~ Thomas Jefferson

Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition!

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

My idea of leg day is when my legs are spread in the air

Me: I think you may have an unhealthy attachment.

Girlfriend, trying to breastfeed our dog: Why?

Refuse to comply with anything that hurts you or others, grow a backbone.
Empathy over orders!

From the beginning of our recorded history, controlling the will of others has been a core objective of those who seek absolute power.

"Excuse me," I said to the girl sat in front of me on the bus.

"You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.

Paranoia is having all the facts.

That awkward moment when you fuck your friend's girlfriend and understand that she's cheating on him.

"Crazy and insane are words used throughout history to describe people and ideas that are simply different."
~ David Icke

I just won a farting contest.

The judges were blown away.

“When stupidity is considered patriotism, it is unsafe to be intelligent.”
— Isaac Asimov

Did you hear about about the army guy that got his dick blown off?

Just nuts now isn’t it.

If you don’t know what a glory hole is…

Don’t look into it.

Being handsome is so difficult
Imagine girls not looking at you cuz they're shy.

"One believes things because one has been conditioned to believe them."
~ Aldous Huxley

There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him.
– Robert Heinlein

The more corrupt the state, the more it legislates.
– Tacitus

One of the greatest delusions in the world is the hope that the evils in this world are to be cured by legislation.
– Thomas B. Reed

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.
– Benjamin Franklin

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always count on the support of Paul. – George Bernard Shaw

“The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities.”
– Ayn Rand

“Libertarian principles are very simple, but you can’t violate any of them and still call yourself Libertarian.”
– John McAfee

“Libertarians recognize the inevitable pluralism of the modern world and for that reason assert that individual liberty is at least part of the common good.”
– Tom G. Palmer

“The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule it.”
– H.L Mencken

“Underlying most arguments against the free market is a lack of belief in freedom itself.”
– Milton Friedman

“Libertarianism is the philosophy which says that you can run your life better than the government can, and you have the right to be left alone in order to do it.”
– Anonymous

“I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than those attending too small a degree of it.”
- Thomas Jefferson

“The real division is not between conservatives and revolutionaries but between authoritarians and libertarians.”
- George Orwell

“The sadist desires to command and control. The masochist desires to be freed from the burdens of liberty. That is Socialism.”
- A.E. Samaan