Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A tongue in the ass, keeps her ex in the past.

I opened a new hotel last week. It was an overnight success.

Желая райских яблок, не околачивай грушу.

She's Not Just SQL.
She's MySQL.

Настоящий художник всегда даст натурщице на аборт.

- Ребе - что такое жизнь?
- Жизнь - это река.
- А почему река?
- Ну не река.

Мужчина всегда поможет женщине прикоснуться к прекрасному, особенно если она это делает языком.

- А моя курица несёт яйца!
- Я тоже ношу яйца, но я же не кричу об этом на каждом углу!

My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.

"Secrecy is the keystone to all tyranny. Not force, but secrecy and censorship.''
~ Robert A. Heinlein

When she says "don't come in me" but you know she'll make a great single mother.

We all deserve morning sex and pancakes.

Основным правом россиян во все времена было и остается крепостное...

Q: What's 12 inchs long and snaps a cunt?

A: Your selfie stick.

Ladies...No guy has ever said...

I'd screw her, if her eyelashes were a little longer.

"If Nikola Tesla had not been censored, we could have been traveling between the stars by now."
~ Nassim Haramein

—Iba a apuntar a mi hijo a atletismo pero al final nada.
—Bueno, lo importante es que hace algún deporte.
—¿Eh?

Literally no one:

0 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9.

Presidents are the best of actors. They read the script and follow it act by act.

—Siempre he querido escribir mis memorias.
—¿Y por qué no lo has hecho?
—¿El qué?

I pretend I don't care but deep down I really still don't care.

I have an eating disorder.

I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings and dis order of nuggets.

Conspiracy Theorist: A person who doesn't watch as much TV as you do.

All the secrets of the world worth knowing are hidden in plain sight.

“Everything is theoretically impossible, until it is done.”
– Robert A. Heinlein.

"If the people understood the banking system, there would be a revolution tomorrow."
~ Henry Ford

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me because she calls me her sixty second lover.

Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

Without risks, they’ll never know how far they’ll truly go.
- Sensei Wu

Conspiracy Theorist: Nothing more than a derogatory title used to dismiss a critical thinker.

BREAKING NEWS!
Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England.

It’s a massive Boost for the economy.

I am single because i believed java is better than python.

My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach. It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.

What does a man with a 12 inch penis eat for breakfast?

This morning I had a boiled egg.

Me: doctor the palindromes make me anxious.
Doc: take a XANAX.

Paul McCartney has been asked to improve the Syrian president's skimpy underwear.

Take Assad's thong and make it better.

Anal sex keeps my gf in shape. Every time I just mention it and she runs a mile from me.

I sexually identify as a microwave meal! I’m ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures!

One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.

You are the carbon they want to reduce.

Sex is like sleep to me , i don't get any.

Maturity is realising that you need a sugar mommy not a girlfriend.

My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

Essentially, globalization represents the consolidation of absolute economic, political, and cultural power into the hands of a cabal of super rich dynastic families.

The entire global financial system is based on debt, and this system endlessly funnels the world's wealth to the very top of the pyramid.

How is a system update similar to cumming?

If you don't do them for a while, both just happen when you sleep.

The technology hidden from us would liberate us all quite quickly.

The Constitution does not grant you rights, it simply says the government cannot infringe upon the rights you were born with.

Two bedbugs fell in love.

They're getting married in the spring.

She was a forest queen to others
and a big Miss Tree to me.

I'm going to start a vibrator repair service, and call it...

Inspect Her Gadget...

The best sign of a happy relationship is no sign of it on social media.

89% of the world population don't know how to calculate 89% of the world population... funny statistics.

The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.

Вовочка заходит и говорит:
- Мама, почему все говорят, что я невнимательный?
- Мальчик, я не твоя мама! И ты живёшь не в этой квартире!

A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest.
Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.
Why are you still scrolling down? It's your turn to speak.

Government is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex.

Pre-means before.
Post- means after.
To use both prefixes together would be preposterous.

Marry a man without teeth so they won’t smile to another lady

What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?

Firetruck.

Don't date JavaScript developers. They'll take your number and never CALLBACK.

Buying her a toolbox for her birthday so she can fix her attitude .

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

Склероз маразму не помеха.

The first step to freedom is knowing you're being lied to. Wake up.

Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you're probably not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out.

Me: this show is boring.

Boss: Again, this is a zoom conference.

My biggest fear is that reincarnation is real and I come back as my self..

“Your tits are the best, better than all the chests”

Or whatever Tina Turner said.

My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'

What the make love is she talking about?

Что значит не хотите в армию?
А кто подарки на 23-е получал?

Sex WITHOUT A CONDOM IS SO MAGICAL . A BABY Appears & The Father Disappears.

Мать провожает еврея на фронт - а куда тебе писать, сынок?
- А пиши мне мама, сразу в плен!

boobs are proof that i can focus on two things at once.

We are born into a hollow society that is designed to keep us media-obsessed consumers who buy things we don't need.

I don't mean to brag
But I'm so old I can hurt myself
Sleeping.

Every sad girls deserves Hapenis.

Как сказал Рабинович, мобилизация, как и беременность, не бывает частичной.

A people that elect corrupt politicians, imposters, thieves and traitors are not victims... but accomplices.