Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I'm not racist, I have a color tv.

Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights.

What did the gay guy order at the club?
Shots for everybody.

Why doesn't Mexico win the Olympics?
Because all the ones that can run, jump, and swim are in the US.

I was fired from my job at the suicide hotline, they said I was too supportive.

Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we shot the last one that had a dream.

- What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?
- Bisexual.

- What's the difference between a Mexican girlfriend and a Mexican wife?
- About 50 lbs.

I like my violence like I like my beer...
Domestic.

I don't know where I stand on abortion. I mean, I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice.

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are gone. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you stick it in a disabled one.

- What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do?
- Wrong.

Say what you want about pedofiles but, at least they drive slow through school zones.

Two gay guys move in together. On the first morning in the new apartment gay guy number one goes into the kitchen and finds gay guy number two jerking off into a condom. Gay guy number one yells out "what the hell are you doing"? Gay guy number two replies "I thought I'd get up early and pack your lunch"!

A pedophile and an eight year old boy are walking in the forest at dusk.
Eight year old: “It's getting darker, I’m scared!”
Pedophile: “You’re scared? What about me? I have to walk out of here alone!”

Q: what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt ???
A: a pussy is warm soft and inviting……A cunt is the woman that owns it.

Q: What's the most confusing holiday in Harlem?
A: Father's day !!!

Q: what do you get when you cross a black guy with a Mexican ???
A: you get a son of a bitch thats too lazy to steal.

People who cough loudly don't go to the doctor...
They go to the cinemas.

I was buying tickets with a friend at the cinema
Staff: "for the hobbit?"
Me. : "no, she's my friend".

What's the difference between two policemen fucking in the back of their car and a cinema snack?
One is popcorn.
The other is cop porn.

I got thrown out of the cinema for throwing popcorn at the back of people's heads.
I also lost my job behind the popcorn counter.

I was on a date with a girl at the cinema.
We both put our hands into the popcorn at the same time, so to make it less awkward, I said, "Don't worry, that's not the one I masturbate with."

At the cinema it said I could get an extra large bag for £6.
I thought, "That's cheap, but where would I fuck her??"

I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter”
...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied “So am I. He hated the book”

Did you hear about the dyslexic at the cinema?
He ordered a large cockporn.

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
“Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”

I hate it when people talk and eat loud in the cinema.
Like shutup, I'm trying to film a movie here!

Two mice were eating film rolls in an abandoned cinema. "Do you like it?" asks one of them.
"It's good, but the book was better", replies the other one.

Q. What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the car?
A. "Robin get in the car!"

Q. Why should you never shower with a pokemon?
A. Because they Pikachu (peek at you).

Q. Have you seen the Avengers Movie?
A. Yeah, it was MARVELous!

Q. What is the British Secret Service's best yellow-haired spy?
A. James Blonde!

A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution.

- How did the Native Americans get to America first?
- They had reservations.

Q: What do blondes consider to be safe sex?
A: Locking the car doors!

- Why did the angry Jedi cross the road?
- To get to the Dark Side.

- How did Reese eat her ice cream?
- Witherspoon.

Did you hear that Clint Eastwood opened a preschool? It's called "Go Ahead and Make My Day Care Center".

- What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted?
- Nothing he was already stuffed.

- What did the cow say when it wanted to go to the movies ?
- Let’s go to the moovies...

- Why did the skeleton go to the movies by himself?
- He had no-body to go with.

- What was the movie about the dog called?
- The woof of wall street.

I wonder if the 2 Irish kids off the Titanic movie who went to sleep before it sank had wet dreams?

- Why couldn’t the kitten watch the movie?
- It had a violent cat-e-gory.

- What’s a bird’s favorite movie?
- The Parrots of the Caribbean.

Show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist Plot.

A shaved pussy is a busy pussy. Don't let these girls fool you. You will never see grass on a busy road.

Q: What does Abraham Lincoln have in common with a poor quality pirated movie?
A: They were both shot in a theater.

Yo mama so fat when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.

Yo mama’s so fat, she works in the movie theater as screen.

They Are making a movie about clocks.
It’s about time.

There’s a movie about constipation. It hasn’t come out yet.

- Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
– Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

I don’t understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy, It usually takes me days...

- What’s a orphans favorite movie ?
- Home alone.

My grandfather was there when the titanic sank…he shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they Finally kicked him out of the movie theater…

Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.

Yo mamma is so old she knew Burger King when he was a prince.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY BAR WITH NO BAR STOOLS?
A: A fruit stand.

Q: TWO GAY GUYS WERE HAVING SEX WHEN THEY BOTH DIE AT THE SAME TIME. WHO GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
A: The one who had his shit packed.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY COUPLE?
A: TOGAYTHER.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY MIDGET?
A: A lowblow.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY SCIENTIST?
A: A homo-geneous.

Q: HEAR ABOUT THE GAY ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED COP?
A: He got so excited his first day on the Job he jumped on his whistle and blew his horse.

Q: WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HOBO AND A HOMO?
A: A hobo doesn’t have any friends, but a homo has friends up the ass.

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY TRUCKERS?
A: They exchanged loads.

Q: WHAT DO DOCTORS PRESCRIBE FOR A SORE ASSHOLE?
A: Bengay.

Q. DID YOU KNOW 75% OF THE GAY POPULATION WERE BORN THAT WAY?
A: The other 25% were sucked into it.

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO HOMOSEXUAL JUDGES?
A: They tried each other.

-Ты где был?
-В шахматы играл
-А почему водкой пахнет?
-А что шахматами должно пахнуть?

Top tip for the men.
Next time you sunburn your legs, take viagra.
It don't work but it keeps the sheets off your legs at night.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

A young man starts work at a large corporation and on his first day comes upon a ladder going upwards with a sign "The Ladder too Success". He takes his first step and, fights and claws his way up until he sees a sign, "You are almost there. Only a few more rungs to success." The now old man, finally gets to the top where he is greeted by a big fat greasy looking troll with his schlong hanging out, "Hi. My name is Cess !

I will be joining a school that teaches people how to smoke weed. It's a High school.

I have a C joke you cannot object it.

Q: Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
A: Because she mislaid them.