Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My son, Luke, loves that we named our kids after Star Wars characters. Our daughter, C3-PO, not so much.

How far up do bald people go when they wash their face ?

My wife asked me to buy something that made her look sexy again. So, I bought a crate of larger.

According to a recent study people tend to believe any sentence that starts with according to a recent study.

Why aren't koalas actual bears?
They don't meet the koalifications.

"What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. JK, rolling."

"Любите баб на свежем сене!…" - писал поэт Сергей Есенин... "А лучше… всё же…на опушке!" - упоминал об этом Пушкин …"Ведите всех на зерноток…" - настаивал на этом Блок.."Неважно ГДЕ… важно КАК…!" -заметил мудрый Пастернак…!

Маленький Моня жалуется:
— Дедушка, только что двое протестантов отобрали у меня все деньги!
— Ничего, внучек. Они вернут в 7 раз больше!
— Почему?
— Сейчас они это отметят. Затем затеют пьяную драку. Набьют друг другу морды, повыбивают зубы. Ну, а потом придут их лечить ко мне.

The new lead singer of Dire Straits is Chris Rea.
From now on they will be called Dire Rea.

I once wrote a sitcom about Airplanes, but it never took off.
Everyone thought the pilot was terrible.

- Waiter, this soup is cold!
- It's gazpacho, Sir.
- OK. Gazpacho, this soup is cold!

I wanted to make a good joke about Liam Neeson, but discovered all the best ones were Taken.

А вот в Советском Союзе никакого коронавируса не было. И люди были здоровы и жили себе счастливо до самого расстрела.

It's not everyday that you get a hand job from your barber, then again not everyone cuts their own hair.

Why was the man selling yeast?
So he could raise some dough.

Wanted to come up with a good joke about trees but I I'm stumped.

A Chinese couple had a black baby an they name him "sum tin wong🤔😏"

Medusa must be sexiest Goddess ever lived. Why? Just one glance and your hard.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s your scenter!

Never date a Woman that can’t respect Ur Wife🙄

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

An angry wife was complaining about her husband...
.... spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

- What did the receptionist at the sperm bank say to clients as they are leaving ?
- Thanks for cumming !

TODAY'S WORD OF ADVICE:
IF YOU HOLD SOMEONE LONG ENOUGH UNDER WATER, THEY STOP BEING A CUNT!

An Illegal Immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for DA hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100" she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400.
"No," she says....So finally he says,
"OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.

No thanks, I didn't fight my way to the top of the food pyramid to become a vegetarian.

We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought he was God.

Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A: One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are two dollars, but deer nuts are under a buck.

Architects are good at coming up with concrete plans.

I went to see an acupuncturist. When I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

Guy: I cut the G-string fingering the minor.
Girl: What the hell! You’re disgusting! How could you even tell me that!
Guy: Whoa! Relax mate. I cut the g-string on my guitar, while practicing that minor chord.

Little-known fact:
A pronoun is an upgrade from an amateur noun.

Did you hear? Dracula retired and he's writing poetry now. That's right-
He went from bat to verse.

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

Sent my hearing aid back for repair 3 weeks ago, have heard nothing since.

Grandma forwarded me a fantastic recipe for cooked pork and ham. She says she finds them all the time in her Spam folder.

What do you call a hundred white men running down a hill? Avalanche.
What do you call a hundred black men running down a hill? Mudslide.
What do you call a hundred latinos running down a hill? Jailbreak.

- how do you get 20 babies into one stroller?
- with a blender.

One day I was walking down the street and I saw a black guy riding a bike. I exclaimed ‘’hey! that’s mine!’’ But when I got home it was still there, shining my shoes.

A Jew walks onto a bus, holding a large duffle bag. He asks for senior discount, even though he looked like a man in his early 40s. The driver asks for ID, the Jew complains and refuses to pay full fare. They start arguing, both too stubborn to give in. In a rage, the driver throws the Jew’s duffle bag off the bus, and the bag tumbles down a hill. The Jew shouts “Oy Vey! Just because I don't want to pay full fare you try to kill my son?!“

“I was stunned by how many Israeli politicians are going to prison. When you ask an Israeli politician what his cell number is, it has a whole other meaning.”—Jay Leno

Difference between Heaven and Hell, Heaven is a place with British policemen, French Chefs, German auto mechanics, Italian lovers and a Swiss to keep everyone organized. Hell is a place with British chefs, French auto mechanics, German policemen, Swiss lovers and an Italian trying to organize everyone.

How did they know that princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders on the dash.

I'm not racist, I have a color tv.

Wanna hear a joke? Women's rights.

What did the gay guy order at the club?
Shots for everybody.

Why doesn't Mexico win the Olympics?
Because all the ones that can run, jump, and swim are in the US.

I was fired from my job at the suicide hotline, they said I was too supportive.

Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we shot the last one that had a dream.

- What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?
- Bisexual.

- What's the difference between a Mexican girlfriend and a Mexican wife?
- About 50 lbs.

I like my violence like I like my beer...
Domestic.

I don't know where I stand on abortion. I mean, I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice.

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are gone. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you stick it in a disabled one.

- What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do?
- Wrong.

Say what you want about pedofiles but, at least they drive slow through school zones.

Two gay guys move in together. On the first morning in the new apartment gay guy number one goes into the kitchen and finds gay guy number two jerking off into a condom. Gay guy number one yells out "what the hell are you doing"? Gay guy number two replies "I thought I'd get up early and pack your lunch"!

A pedophile and an eight year old boy are walking in the forest at dusk.
Eight year old: “It's getting darker, I’m scared!”
Pedophile: “You’re scared? What about me? I have to walk out of here alone!”

Q: what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt ???
A: a pussy is warm soft and inviting……A cunt is the woman that owns it.

Q: What's the most confusing holiday in Harlem?
A: Father's day !!!

Q: what do you get when you cross a black guy with a Mexican ???
A: you get a son of a bitch thats too lazy to steal.

People who cough loudly don't go to the doctor...
They go to the cinemas.

I was buying tickets with a friend at the cinema
Staff: "for the hobbit?"
Me. : "no, she's my friend".

What's the difference between two policemen fucking in the back of their car and a cinema snack?
One is popcorn.
The other is cop porn.

I got thrown out of the cinema for throwing popcorn at the back of people's heads.
I also lost my job behind the popcorn counter.

I was on a date with a girl at the cinema.
We both put our hands into the popcorn at the same time, so to make it less awkward, I said, "Don't worry, that's not the one I masturbate with."

At the cinema it said I could get an extra large bag for £6.
I thought, "That's cheap, but where would I fuck her??"

I went to the cinema to watch “Harry Potter”
...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied “So am I. He hated the book”

Did you hear about the dyslexic at the cinema?
He ordered a large cockporn.

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
“Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”

I hate it when people talk and eat loud in the cinema.
Like shutup, I'm trying to film a movie here!

Two mice were eating film rolls in an abandoned cinema. "Do you like it?" asks one of them.
"It's good, but the book was better", replies the other one.

Q. What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the car?
A. "Robin get in the car!"

Q. Why should you never shower with a pokemon?
A. Because they Pikachu (peek at you).

Q. Have you seen the Avengers Movie?
A. Yeah, it was MARVELous!

Q. What is the British Secret Service's best yellow-haired spy?
A. James Blonde!

A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."