Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY DINOSAUR?
A: Mega-sore-ass.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL LETTER?
A: Only came in male boxes.

Q: WHY IS FRED FLINSTONE A CLOSET HOMOSEXUAL?
A: He has a gay old time.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL ELECTRON?
A: Went around blowing fuses.

Q: WHAT DOES A HOMO SAY TO ANOTHER GAY GOING ON VACATION?
A: Can I help you pack your shit?

Q: WHY DON’T GAYS SHOP AT SPORTS AUTHORITY?
A: Because they prefer Dick’s.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Stopwatch Stopwatch who?
Stopwatch you're doing and pay attention!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Opportunity
That's impossible.
Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Owls say
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you—hand over the cash!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Nun
Nun who?
Nun of your business!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Radio.
Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Leaf Leaf Who?
Leaf Me Alone!

Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Witch.
Witch who?
Witch one of you will give me some Halloween candy?

Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Ken Ken who?
Ken I come in?
It's cold out here.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Wire.
Wire who?
Wire you always asking ‘who’s there’?

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it's broken!

Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who's there?
Q: Wooden shoe.
A: Wooden shoe, who?
Q: Wooden shoe like to know!

Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Gladys.
A: Gladys, who?
Q: Gladys the weekend—no homework!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Dejavu.
Dejav who?
Knock! Knock!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little help getting in the door!

I once taunted the emperor of Russia.
I was using TSAR-casm!!!

On his deathbed, a husband gasped weakly to his wife, "Please, my dear, I want you to grant me one last wish."
"What is it?", she asked.
"Six months after I die, I want you to marry Ken from next door."
"But I thought you hated Ken?", she said.
"I do", said the husband.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside, let me in!

I have a node Joke but I cannot express it.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are, asking all these questions?

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY VEGETARIAN?
A: He still eats meat.

Q: WHAT IS GAY PRIDE?
A: A group of homosexual lions.

Q: WHAT DOES ONE GAY SAY TO ANOTHER HOMO SITTING AT THE BAR?
A: Do you mind if I push in your stool?

Q. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A NOVEL IS HOMOSEXUAL?
A: The hero always gets his man in the end.

Q: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN ESKIMO AND A GAY GUY?
A: A snowblower.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOUNCER IN A GAY BAR?
A: Flame thrower.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY RABBIT? He found a hare up his ass.

Q: HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE A HOMOSEXUAL?
A: When you make Justin Bieber look straight.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY BOXER?
A: Fruit Punch!

Q: WHATS A HOMOS FAVORITE PLANET?
A: Uranus.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ANNOYING GAY MAN?
A: A pain in the arse.

Q: WHAT DID ONE GAY SPERM SAY TO ANOTHER?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: WHAT COMES AFTER 69 FOR GAY MEN?
A: Mouthwash.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY GUY WHO GOT KICKED OFF THE GOLF COURSE?
A: He was playing with too many strokes.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOMOSEXUAL DENTIST?
A: Tooth fairy.

Q: HOW DO YOU FIT THREE HOMOSEXUALS ON ONE BARSTOOL?
A: Turn it upside-down.

I have a HTTP joke but it is not secure. 😀

Did you hear they outlawed round bales of hay?
The cows weren’t getting a square meal.

Q: WHY ARE MOST POLITICIANS IN THE CLOSET OR GAY?
A: Because they can only mandate.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY COWBOY?
A: A Jolly Rancher.

Q: WHY CAN’T GAYS DRIVE FASTER THAN 68MPH?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.

Q: HOW DO 5 GAY MEN WALK?
A: One Direction.

Q: How does Albus get into Hogwarts?
A: Through the Dumble-door.

Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.

Yo momma so stupid she thought Bruno Mars was a planet.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

Q: Do you know who was the first black guy to admit he is the father?
A: Darth Vader.

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

Q: What do you call someone who has been hit by a car?
A: An ambulance.

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

100,000 Pascals go into a Bar.

I missed my nap today,
I slept right through it .

What do you say to a Spanish soccer player with no legs.
Grassiass.

Q: Where can you find the biggest amount of the largest sized women's lingerie in the world?
A: In Africa: there's thousands of Z bras.

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

Times have really changed. I remember, as a kid I could go to the store with a dollar and come home with three bags of chips, two candy bars and a beverage.
Now they have cameras everywhere.

What's invisible and smells like carrots? Rabbit farts.

Q: Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
A: Because they were watch dogs.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a vacuum?
A: A cocksucker.

Q: Why do birds fly South for the winter?
A: It's too far to walk.

A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says, "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged. If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks." The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute. After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth. To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?" After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand. It's a woman. "I guess I can try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."

Q: What do you call a famous fish?
A: A star fish.

Q: What happens when you cross a shark with a cow?
A: I don't know but I wouldn't milk it.

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A: A thesaurus.

Q: Why does a cow wear a bell around its neck?
A: Because its horns don't work.

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "If you can make that horse over there laugh, you can get free drinks for the rest of the night." The man walks over, says something to the horse, it laughs, and he walks back over to the bar to collect his free drinks. The next night, the man goes back to the bar and the bartender asks the man if he can make the horse cry. The man walks over, does something to the horse, and it starts to cry. The bartender asks, "How did you make it cry?" The man replies, "Well, to make the horse laugh last night I told it I had a bigger dick and to make it cry tonight I showed it."

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: Made a website!

A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"

Communist memes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.