Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:

An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
The energy required to change either one of the states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Gerrold's Law: A little ignorance can go a long way. (Lyall's Addendum: ...in the direction of maximum harm.)

Gerrold's Fundamental Truth: It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.

Law of Generalizations: All generalizations are false.

Gell-Mann's Dictum: Whatever isn't forbidden is required.
Corollary: If there's no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it must exist.

Gardner's Rule of Society: The society which scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.

Laws of Gardening:
Other people's tools work only in other people's yards.
Fancy gizmos don't work.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
You get the most of what you need the least.

Corollary - An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the Grand Fallacy.

Gallois's Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.

Galbraith's Law of Prominence: Getting on the cover of "Time" guarantees the existence of opposition in the future.

Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom: Anyone who says he isn't going to resign, four times, definitely will.

Gadarene Swine Law: Merely because the group is in formation does not mean that the group is on the right course.

Some people think of themselves as champagne in a tall glass when in reality they’re just luke warm piss in a plastic cup.

Fyffe's Axiom: The problem-solving process will always break down at the point at which it is possible to determine who caused the problem.

Futility Factor (Carson's Consolation): No experiment is ever a complete failure -- it can always serve as a bad example, or the exception that proves the rule (but only if it is the first experiment in the series).

Funkhouser's Law of the Power of the Press: The quality of legislation passed to deal with a problem is inversely proportional to the volume of media clamor that brought it on.

Teslacle's Deviant to Fudd's Law: It goes in -- it must come out.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition: If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.

Frothingham's Fallacy: Time is money.

Frisch's Law: You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Laws of the Frisbee:
The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just beyond reach. (The technical term for this force is "car suck".)
The higher the quality of a catch or the comment it receives, the greater the probability of a crummy return throw. ("Good catch. . . Bad throw.")
One must never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than, "Watch this!" (Keep 'em guessing.)
The higher the costs of hitting any object, the greater the certainty it will be struck. (Remember: The disk is positive; cops and old ladies are clearly negative.)
The best catches are never seen. ("Did you see that?" "See what?")
The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want. (Wrong way = long way.)
The most powerful hex words in the sport are: "I really have this down -- watch." (Know it? Blow it!)
In any crowd of spectators at least one will suggest that razor blades could be attached to the disc. ("You could maim and kill with that thing.")
The greater your need to make a good catch, the greater the probability your partner will deliver his worst throw. (If you can't touch it, you can't trick it.)
The single most difficult move with a disc is to put it down. ("Just one more!")

Fried's Law: Ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.

Freemon's Rule: Circumstances can force a generalized incompetent to become competent, at least in a specialized field.

Freeman's Law: Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.

Franklin's Rule: Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.

Franklin's Observation: He that lives upon Hope dies farting.

Frankel's Law: Whatever happens in government could have happened differently, and it usually would have been better if it had.
Corollary: Once things have happened, no matter how accidentally, they will be regarded as manifestations of an unchangeable Higher Reason.

Fowler's Note: The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.

Fowler's Law: In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper used.

Foster's Law: If you cover a congressional committee on a regular basis, they will report the bill on your day off.

Lowry's Additional Lie: I've never done this before.

Hare's Additional Lie: This will hurt me more than it hurts you.

Three Lies According to Playboy:
The check's in the mail.
Anticipation is half the fun.
I promise I won't come in your mouth.

Fortis's Three Great Lies of Life:
Money isn't everything.
It's great to be a Negro.
I'm only going to put it in a little way.

Ford Pinto Rule: Never buy a car that has a wick.

Flap's Law: Any inanimate object, regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or completely mysterious.

Fitz-Gibbon's Law: Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved with the broth.

Fishbein's Conclusion: The tire is only flat on the bottom.

Finagle's Rules: Ever since the first scientific experiment, man has been plagued by the increasing antagonism of nature. It seems only right that nature should be logical and neat, but experience has shown that this is not the case. A further series of rules has been formulated, designed to help man accept the pigheadedness of nature.
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working.
Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
Always verify your witchcraft.
Be sure to obtain meteorological data before leaving on vacation.
Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.

Finagle's Laws of Information:
The information you have is not what you want.
The information you want is not what you need.
The information you need is not what you can obtain.
The information you can obtain costs more than you want to pay.

Finagle's Law According to Niven: The perversity of the universe tends to a maximum.

Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Corollaries:
No one whom you ask for help will see it.
Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately.

Finagle's Second Law: No matter what result is anticipated, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.

Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Creed: Science is Truth. Don't be misled by fact.

The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously.

Fett's Law of the Lab: Never replicate a successful experiment.

Fetridge's Law: Important things that are supposed to happen do not happen, especially when people are looking.

Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

Law of Fashion: Any given dress is: indecent 10 years before its time, daring 1 year before its time, chic in its time, dowdy 3 years after its time, hideous 20 years after its time, amusing 30 years after its time, romantic 100 years after its time, and beautiful 150 years after its time.

Farrow's Finding: If God had intended for us to go to concerts, He would have given us tickets.

Farnsdick's corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

Farber's First Law: Give him an inch and he'll screw you.
Farber's Second Law: A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else.
Farber's Third Law: We're all going down the same road in different directions.
Farber's Fourth Law: Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.

Falkland's Rule: When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.

Fairfax's Law: Any facts which, when included in the argument, give the desired result, are fair facts for the argument.

Faber's Laws:
If there isn't a law, there will be.
The number of errors in any piece of writing rises in proportion to the writer's reliance on secondary sources.

First Law of Expert Advice: Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.

Nonreciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.

Eve's Discovery: At a bargain sale, the only suit or dress that you like best and that fits is the one not on sale.
Adam's Corollary: It's easy to tell when you've got a bargain -- it doesn't fit.

Everitt's Form of the Second Law of Thermodynamics:

Confusion (entropy) is always increasing in society. Only if someone or something works extremely hard can this confusion be reduced to order in a limited region. Nevertheless, this effort will stil result in an increase in the total confusion of society at large.

Evelyn's Rules for Bureaucratic Survival:

A bureaucrat's castle is his desk . . . and parking place. Proceed cautiously when changing either.
On the theory that one should never take anything for granted, follow up on everything, but especially those items varying from the norm. The greater the divergence from normal routine and/or the greater the number of offices potentially involved, the better the chance a never-to-be-discovered person will file the problem away in a drawer specifically designed for items requiring a decision.
Never say without qualification that your activity has sufficient space, money, staff, etc.
Always distrust offices not under your jurisdiction which say that they are there to serve you. "Support" offices in a bureaucracy tend to grow in size and make demands on you out of proportion to their service, and in the end require more effort on your part than their service is worth.
Corollary: Support organizations can always prove success by showing service to someone . . . not necessarily you.
Incompetents often hire able assistants.

Evans's Law of Politics: When team members are finally in a position to help the team, it turns out they have quit the team.

Corollary: Don't try to change lines. The other line -- the one you were in originally -- will then move faster.

Ettorre's Observation: The other line moves faster.

Epstein's Law: If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

Extended Epstein-Heisenberg Principle: In an R & D orbit, only 2 of the existing 3 parameters can be defined simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time, and resources ($). 1) If one knows what the task is, and there is a time limit allowed for the completion of the task, then one cannot guess how much it will cost. 2) If the time and resources ($) are clearly defined, then it is impossible to know what part of the R & D task will be performed. 3) If you are given a clearly defined R & D goal and a definte amount of money which has been calculated to be necessary for the completion of the task, one cannot predict if and when the goal will be reached. 4) If one is lucky enough to be able to accurately define all three parameters, then what one is dealing with is not in the realm of R & D.

The "Enough Already" Law: The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

Old Engineer's Law: The larger the project or job, the less time there is to do it.

Emerson's Insight: That which we call sin in others is experiment for us.

Ellenberg's Theory: One good turn gets most of the blanket.

Eliot's Observation: Nothing is so good as it seems beforehand.

Ehrman's Commentary: Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things would get better?

Ehrlich's Rule: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.

Law of Editorial Correction: Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor doubtless deserves the error that provoked it.

Edington's Theory: The number of different hypotheses erected to explain a given biological phenomenon is inversely proportional to the available knowledge.

Economists' Laws:
What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

Dyer's Law: A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.

Durrell's Parameter: The faster the plane, the narrower the seats.