Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Harris's Restaurant Paradox: One of the greatest unsolved riddles of restaurant eating is that the customer usually gets faster service when the retaurant is crowded than when it is half empty; it seems that the less the staff has to do, the slower they do it.

Harris's Law: Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there.

Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.

Harper's Magazine's Law: You never find an article until you replace it.

Hardin's Law: You can never do merely one thing.

Harden's Law: Every time you come up with a terrific idea, you find that someone else thought of it first.

Halpern's Observation: That tendency to err that programmers have been noticed to share with other human beings has often been treated as if it were an awkwardness attendant upon programming's adolescence, which like acne would disappear with the craft's coming of age. It has proved otherwise.

Hall's Law: There is a statistical correlation between the number of initials in an Englishman's name and his social class (the upper class having significantly more than three names, while members of the lower class average 2.6).

Hale's Rule: The sumptuousnss of a company's annual report is in inverse proportion to its profitability that year.

Haldane's Law: The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it is queerer than we CAN imagine.

Hagerty's Law: If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both.

Hacker's Law of Personnel: Anyone having supervisory responsibility for the completion of a task will invariably protest that more resources are needed.

Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation or an organization to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.

Guthman's Law of Media: Thirty seconds on the evening news is worth a front page headline in every newspaper in the world.

Gumperson's Proof: The most undesirable things are the most certain (death and taxes).

Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Corollaries:
After a salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.
The more a recruit knows about a given subject, the better chance he has of being assigned to something else.
You can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace.
Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.

Gummidge's Law: The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.

Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

Gross's Law: When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's money, fraud will result.

Grosch's Law: Computing power increases as the square of the cost. If you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times slower.

Gresham's Law: Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never resolved.

Greenhaus's Summation: I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Greenberg's First Law of Influence: Usefulness is inversely proportional to reputation for being useful.

Rule of the Great: When someone you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.

Gray's Law of Programming: n+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as n trivial tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law of Programming: n+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks.

Gray's Law of Bilateral Asymmetry in Networks: Information flows efficiently through organizations, except that bad news encounters high impedance in flowing upward.

Graditor's Laws:
If it can break, it will, but only after the warranty expires.
A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.

Goulden's Law of Jury Watching: If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than 24 hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances when it votes guilty.

Professor Gordon's Rule of Evolving Bryophytic Systems:

While bryophytic plants are typically encountered in substrata of earthy or mineral matter in concreted state, discrete substrata elements occasionally display a roughly spherical configuration which, in presence of suitable gravitational and other effects, lends itself to combined translatory and rotational motion. One notices in such cases an absence of the otherwise typical accretion of bryophyta. We conclude therefore that a rolling stone gathers no moss.
Corollary (Rutgers): Generally the subjective value assignable to avian lifeforms, when encountered and considered within the confines of certain orders of woody plants lacking true meristematic dominance, as compared to a possible valuation of these same lifeforms when in the grasp of -- and subject to control by -- the manipulative bone/muscle/nerve complex typically terminating the forelimb of a member of the species homo sapiens (and possibly direct precursors thereof) is approximately five times ten to the minus first power.

Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.

Goodin's Law of Conversions: The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.

Goodfader's Law: Under any system, a few sharpies will beat the rest of us.

Golub's Laws of Computerdom:

Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
The effort requires to correct course increases geometrically with time.
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
The 19 Rules for good Riting:
Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
Just between you and I, case is important.
Verbs has to agree with their subject.
Watch out for irregular verbs which has cropped up into our language.
Don't use no double negatives.
A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
When dangling, don't use participles.
Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
And don't use conjunctions to start sentences.
Don't use a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.
About sentence fragments.
In letters themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep strings apart.
Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
Its important to use apostrophe's right.
Don't abbrev.
Check to see if you any words out.
In my opinion I think that the author when he is writing should not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words which he does not really need.
Then, of course, there's that old one: Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague.

Goldwyn's Law of Contracts: A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

(Vic) Gold's Law: The candidate who is expected to do well because of experience and reputation (Douglas, Nixon) must do better than well, while the candidate expected to fare poorly (Lincoln, Kennedy) can put points on the media board simply by surviving.

(Bill) Gold's Law: A column about errors will contain errors.

Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Golden Principle: Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.

Godin's Law: Generalizedness of incompetence is directly proportional to highestness in hierarchy.

Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginberg's Theorem:

Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit:
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Ehrman's Commentary on Ginberg's Theorem:
Things will get worse before they get better.
Who said things would get better?

Ginsberg's Theorem (Generalized Laws of Thermodynamics):

You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't even quit the game.

Gilmer's Motto for Political Leadership: Look over your shoulder now and then to be sure someone's following you.

Gilb's Laws of Unreliability (see also Troutman's Laws of Computer Programming):

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Corollary: At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
The only difference between the fool and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.
A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than of simplification, until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they are used.
The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system will serve as the key to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise -- which is impossible.
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some useful work done.

Gibb's Law: Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.

Getty's Reminder: The meek shall inherit the earth, but NOT its mineral rights.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:

An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
The energy required to change either one of the states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Gerrold's Law: A little ignorance can go a long way. (Lyall's Addendum: ...in the direction of maximum harm.)

Gerrold's Fundamental Truth: It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.

Law of Generalizations: All generalizations are false.

Gell-Mann's Dictum: Whatever isn't forbidden is required.
Corollary: If there's no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it must exist.

Gardner's Rule of Society: The society which scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.

Laws of Gardening:
Other people's tools work only in other people's yards.
Fancy gizmos don't work.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
You get the most of what you need the least.

Corollary - An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the Grand Fallacy.

Gallois's Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.

Galbraith's Law of Prominence: Getting on the cover of "Time" guarantees the existence of opposition in the future.

Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom: Anyone who says he isn't going to resign, four times, definitely will.

Gadarene Swine Law: Merely because the group is in formation does not mean that the group is on the right course.

Some people think of themselves as champagne in a tall glass when in reality they’re just luke warm piss in a plastic cup.

Fyffe's Axiom: The problem-solving process will always break down at the point at which it is possible to determine who caused the problem.

Futility Factor (Carson's Consolation): No experiment is ever a complete failure -- it can always serve as a bad example, or the exception that proves the rule (but only if it is the first experiment in the series).

Funkhouser's Law of the Power of the Press: The quality of legislation passed to deal with a problem is inversely proportional to the volume of media clamor that brought it on.

Teslacle's Deviant to Fudd's Law: It goes in -- it must come out.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition: If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.

Frothingham's Fallacy: Time is money.

Frisch's Law: You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Laws of the Frisbee:
The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just beyond reach. (The technical term for this force is "car suck".)
The higher the quality of a catch or the comment it receives, the greater the probability of a crummy return throw. ("Good catch. . . Bad throw.")
One must never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than, "Watch this!" (Keep 'em guessing.)
The higher the costs of hitting any object, the greater the certainty it will be struck. (Remember: The disk is positive; cops and old ladies are clearly negative.)
The best catches are never seen. ("Did you see that?" "See what?")
The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want. (Wrong way = long way.)
The most powerful hex words in the sport are: "I really have this down -- watch." (Know it? Blow it!)
In any crowd of spectators at least one will suggest that razor blades could be attached to the disc. ("You could maim and kill with that thing.")
The greater your need to make a good catch, the greater the probability your partner will deliver his worst throw. (If you can't touch it, you can't trick it.)
The single most difficult move with a disc is to put it down. ("Just one more!")

Fried's Law: Ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.

Freemon's Rule: Circumstances can force a generalized incompetent to become competent, at least in a specialized field.

Freeman's Law: Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.

Franklin's Rule: Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.

Franklin's Observation: He that lives upon Hope dies farting.

Frankel's Law: Whatever happens in government could have happened differently, and it usually would have been better if it had.
Corollary: Once things have happened, no matter how accidentally, they will be regarded as manifestations of an unchangeable Higher Reason.

Fowler's Note: The only imperfect thing in nature is the human race.

Fowler's Law: In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper used.

Foster's Law: If you cover a congressional committee on a regular basis, they will report the bill on your day off.