Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I wanna marry someone funnier than me but sadly, i am the funniest.

Maturity is when you realize you need a Sugar mommy not Girlfriend.

I once had a dog that was born without legs. So I named him Cigarette.
Everyday I'd take him out for a drag.

My friend asked whats my favourite form of cardio.
Jumping to conclusions.

What did the doctor say to the man covered in cling film? I can clearly see you’re nuts.

Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow that’s the worse case of parking sons disease I’ve come across.

Ants don’t have to
worry about getting sick.
They already have
“anty bodies”

When jogging, we put on special clothes so people don't think we are running from or to something.

The railroad is hiring!
They’ll TRAIN!

Cause of death:
Too shy to call ambulance.

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...
I told her I’m pretty good but don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?
Ten little piggies, two calves, a beaver, and an ass.

I figure my new hourglass design will turn the timekeeping industry upside down.

Just had a look when Sinead OConnor was last trending on Twitter.

It's been 7 hours and 15 days.

He: I can't get a job at any bank. Why?
She: I have no idea, Rob.

— Вчера вечером позвонил на горячую линию помощи при изнасиловании, но оказалось, она только для жертв…

I'm not sure if selling products to other countries is a good idea.

I need an export opinion.

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

I was speaking to a guy who had just robbed a bank today. He said, "It was easy, I just walked through the door with a gun in my hand."

I said "Was it a revolver?"

"No, it was just a normal door." He replied.

Is it easier to weigh fish cause they come with ith their own scales?

Is it ok to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?
Or am I really just a bad teacher?

There was a leper who failed his driving test...

for leaving his foot on the gas.

Why did the lady married the angler?

Because she wanted a reel man.

I date short girls so when we break up I can crop my photo...

The sun didn't have to go to college because it had a million degrees. It just goes to show that the sun was a bright student.

I recently met a guy who says he flies kites, and tells the wildest tails. He might just be stringing me along.

Remember, the best angle to approach a problem from is the "try" angle.

Did you know?
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding...

Dieting could also be considered
"Waist management "

I'm ageing like a fine wine
In a basement, untouched.

Just because a man has one, doesn't mean he has to be one.

I was gonna fuck this Egyptian chick,..
But she was on her pyramid, so I fucked her mummy instead.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...
...just to ask me what time it is.

Some things in life are best left unfinished.
Tacos are not one off them.

What kind of underwear do long distance runners wear? Marathongs...

The videos of your ex in your gallery should be called x videos.

Never kiss a person infront of your house, because love is blind, neighbors are not.

I'm writing a kitchen based book for dumb people, it's called Counter Intelligence.

I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point.

I couldn't tell if i was seeing a UFO or a frisbee...

Then it hit me.

Man wakes wife up and asks, Would u like a coffee or would u prefer sex?
Wife replies, I'm not fussed either way, its gonna be instant.

Hey everybody!!
I just found out that my a.m. radio works at night too!!

A girl: call me short again! I dare you.
Me: what are gonna do, fight my knees?

The tortoise beats the hare by a hair to the hare's great despair.

If women had apostrophes instead of periods they’d be a lot more possessive.

Apparently I’m a twin. Mom said she has a picture of when I was two.

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.’’
— Mark Twain

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

I fear my neighbor be stalking me, shes been googling my name last night on her computer.

I saw it clearly through my binoculars.

I was asked why I married a sadist.
I said, “Beats the hell out of me!”

Almost a third of the people are obese.

These are round figures.

I wish my name was Voyager 2...
So I could have the first encounter with Uranus.

What did the deaf , dumb and blind kid get for xmas?????????......
Cancer.

Why is pussy called the smallest hotel room in the world?
It's so small you have to leave your bags outside.

HOME IS WHERE YA MASTURBATE PEACEFULLY.

- Сарочка, какая ты у меня экономная!
- А шо такое, Яша? Тебе шо-то не нравится?!
- Ой, наоборот! Мине таки очень восхищает, когда ты штопаешь мои носки нитками от чайных пакетиков!

My dad told me that when he was young, he once had to miss class because of hypothermia.

Said he was too cool for school.

If I don’t care at all, I couldn’t care less. If I could care less, then I care a little already.

Shout out to my grandma, that’s the only way she can hear.

I just got a job at a fruit pie factory,man, this is one peachy job.

So I'm currently reading a book called 'There's a hole in my bucket!'

By Lee King.

My wife wants a pony for Christmas. I think a traditional turkey would taste better, but it’s her choice.

I'm trying the new aircraft diet.

The amounts are ok, but the food tastes plane.

I always think the thumb is on the left side...

On the other hand, it might be on the right side.

What do you say to a British person who has just injured himself?

UK?

I've just finished reading a book on DIY house construction...by Bill Jerome Holmes.

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.
With just the tip.

I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to push all your buttons.
I was just looking for mute.

I tied all my spaghetti together last night when I was drunk. Today I ended up skipping dinner.

— Ты чё психанул-то?
— Не, ну а хули они?
— Аргумент.

I have a friend who has sex three or four times a week, exercises for an hour everyday, reads several books a week, and his "wife" does whatever he tells her to...
... and all he does is complain about prison.

ПЕНСИОНЕР СИДОРОВ КИНУЛ ЖЕНЕ ДВЕ ПАЛКИ,НО ВСЕ ОНИ ОКАЗАЛИСЬ
СКАНДИНАВСКИМИ!

Whats the difference between a girls G spot and a lost pokemon card collection?
A guy will spend as much time as it takes to find the pokemon cards...

So my girlfriend asked me the other day "Don't you know where the G Spot is?"
And I said yeah, of course, I know where the G spot is. It is between the F Spot and the H spot.

What does the Geographer do during sex?
He's looking for the coordinates of spot G.

Bigfoot is like the G-spot of the Forrest.
No one can find him.

For those who know nothing about pleasing a woman:
The G-spot is located at the end of the word 'shopping'.

What's the difference between a G-spot and a TV remote?
Men will actually search for a TV remote.

There's something mysterious about the G-spot.
I just can't put my finger on it.

What's the difference between the moon and the female g-spot.
We have videos to prove that men have been to the moon.