Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I hate holding my wife's purse in public. It never matches what I'm wearing.

Aркадий кроме удовольствий
себе отказывал во всём.

How do painters swim?
They do the brush stroke.

— Хочешь я сделаю для тебя то, что не делала до тебя ни одному мужчине?
— Фаршированную рыбу?

I just had sex with a girl who's celebrating her fifth birthday.
She said being born on Leap Day really sucks.

Liver and onions is a perfect example of how onions doesn't make everything better...

What is the unit of measure for time traveling breasts?
Quan-tities.

My wife said we needed to support our tomato plants. I gave them a pep talk.

Surgeons that install butt implants are technically backend developers.

My wife told me to stop making camera puns. I told her to stop focusing on the negatives and develop a sense of humour.She left me in a flash.

My wife lovingly said, “You smell like horse poop.” I said, “That’s because I’m wearing one of ma’ newer fragrances.”

Why people leave things in Jesus hands, knowing he got holes in them. Is beyond me.

I'm no Magician but I once turned a back rub into 2 kids and a mortgage.

A priest calls the police because a dead pig lies in front of the church.
The police arrive and one of the officers sarcastically remarks I thought that priests took care of the dead.
The priest answers You’re right about that but we always notify the family first.

Медсестра, задыхаясь, вбегает в ординаторскую:
- Доктор, там у нас симулянт из семнадцатой палаты скончался!

Мы с моей женой еще в детском садике познакомились.
Она тогда была молоденькой воспитательницей. А я просто в песочнице валялся пьяный.

Do song birds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the words?

Failed history because I forgot everything we learned.
I guess I’m doomed to repeat it.

I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.

"Do not try to seem wise to others."

— Epictetus

My brother moved from job to job at the pillow factory. He’s finally settling down.

A rock band donated a box of vegetables to the charity they were playing at. Well, except the drummer.

He kept the beet.

I once met David Hasselhoff. He said "call me Hoff" i said "no hassel"

What do you call the nun that lives upstairs?
Nun of the above.

How do you make a taco stand?
You take away its chair.

Trying to get a bank loan from Dubai. Heard they have really good EMIrates.

The first tv came out. Guy asks "what are the chances I can change channels from across the room?"
Salesman says "remote".

Biology Teacher: Sperm has sugar.
Cynthia: No sir, it's tasteless.

My little son asked me where you find giant snails? Easy, on giant’s fingers.

What happened to the overworked pastry chef?
He suffered a mental bake-down.

Two cows standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly: I was artificially inseminated this morning.

I don't believe you, replies Dolly.

It's true, no bull!

My favorite word is drool.

It just rolls off the tongue.

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

He doesn't.

He's dead.

The guys who work on my yard in the summer also shovel snow in the winter.

They go from landscapers to landscrapers.

Music teacher: "Define rock and roll."

From back of class: "Dwayne Johnson with a bun!"

33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands. 67% of pets say this crazy woman won't shut up

A magician wanted a new change of career. So he decided to go from magic tricks to... wait for it - elec-tricks

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: Nice! I wish for pie.

Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...

...so I stopped seeing her for a while.

- Яша, ты оказался не тем, чем я думала!
- Софа, я извиняюсь, а чем ты думала?

What does a proctologist give you for pain?
An Analgesic.

I watched a documentary about the bikini last night.

It was in two parts. It didn’t cover much.

The miner backed out of the wedding when he got coal feet.

When two people Love each other, there is nothing that's impossible.. Except deciding where to Eat.

When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.

For your consideration: “Double standards” means there are no “standards”.

I want to check out the hot air balloon festival this weekend.
- But I’m concerned about rising inflation!

Coworker: I can't find you on Facebook?
Me: I found you first and blocked you.

I had to break up with my math teacher girlfriend.

She was still obsessed with an X.

When you get divorced, do you move your wedding ring to your middle finger?

FUN Fact: Vodka drinkers are less likely to suffer from a stroke.

I ate a box of crayons before taking my pilot's exam.
I passed with flying colors.

Listless: The way most men go grocery shopping.

The nuclear physicist took a vacation for a fission trip.

You know what really grinds my gears?!?
- Teaching people how to drive a stick shift!

When I say I love models, I mean statistical models.

- Изя, какое у вас с женой стоп-слово?

- Дорого.

15% of women admit to having used vibrators.
The other 85% said they bought them new.

На предложение поработать Лёва всегда отнекивался, а на предложение выпить –таки отдакивался..

Одесса,типичный дворик,двое пьют пиво.
- И я вам скажу,Фима,шо пиво - таки величайшее изобретение..
- Как,Веня? А колесо?
- Ай ,Фима,колесо,конечно, тоже бесэдер.. Но колесо с рыбой - это всё-таки не то..

I just got an emotional support sewing machine, man, this thing really keeps me in stiches.

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble.

Having my hair styled
by a rastaman next week.
I'm dreading it.

I just saw a burglar kicking in his own door.
- He must have been working from home!

So, what kind of sweet treat do electricians like?
Shockolate!!

I was offered a job at a nursing home...

But I turned it down. I was afraid my breasts couldn't handle it.

I used to take naps on a bike until someone stole the tires. They really messed with my sleep cycle.

I was totally blown away when I found out about my job promotion at the Bomb Factory.

I gave up on the scissors diet because I just couldn't cut it.

I feel uncomfortable around short people..what if they bite my knees.

Buying her a toolbox for her birthday so she can fix her attitude.

What do you feed a woman to get her to stop having sex with you?
Wedding cake.

My wife keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like Hobbit!, Gandalf!, and Mordor!. Always Tolkien in her sleep...

There was a guy exposing himself in the parking lot the other day, but he was gone in a flash.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

Man in train station: Can I take this train to Florida?
Ticket agent:No, sir, it's much too heavy.

I fell in love with a Beekeeper. He was a real honey of a guy!

Be careful with photographers, they tend to have mood swings. Sometimes they start snapping for no reason!

My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation. It was as a baseless accusation.

I just got an emotional support monkey,I just hope it doesn't go banana's.