Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I feel uncomfortable around short people..what if they bite my knees.

Buying her a toolbox for her birthday so she can fix her attitude.

What do you feed a woman to get her to stop having sex with you?
Wedding cake.

My wife keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like Hobbit!, Gandalf!, and Mordor!. Always Tolkien in her sleep...

There was a guy exposing himself in the parking lot the other day, but he was gone in a flash.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

Man in train station: Can I take this train to Florida?
Ticket agent:No, sir, it's much too heavy.

I fell in love with a Beekeeper. He was a real honey of a guy!

Be careful with photographers, they tend to have mood swings. Sometimes they start snapping for no reason!

My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation. It was as a baseless accusation.

I just got an emotional support monkey,I just hope it doesn't go banana's.

So, I used to have a job feeding young cows. That's right, I worked in a calf-a-teria!!

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's...
She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me!

I once impressed a woman with a bottle of lemonade.

Schwepped her off her feet.

For my birthday my friends hired a stripper, he was rubbish..I got most of the paint off the doors myself.

I just got an emotional support watermelon,so far he seems to be a little seedy.

“Educate the child and it won’t be necessary to punish the men.”
— Pythagoras

What do you call an underwater dog?
A subwoofer.

Didn't intend to gain weight. It happened by snaccident.

Dating a janitor was on my bucket list.

Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once.

I asked my friend when their birthday was. He said March 1st.

I stood up, walked around the room, and asked again

I can't believe that even in 2022, I can't wear my mini skirt to work..
And the only "reason" for that is apparently my dick is showing.

What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper.

You know why ladies don't wear mini skirts in the winter?
Cause they'll get chapped lips

What’s the true price relation between the pound, the ruble and the dollar?
A pound of rubles is worth a dollar.

The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day. I heard they’re going to give him a tough sentence.

What do fish talk about? Current events.

He:- i heard you like bad guys?
She:-Yes..
He :- I'm bad at Physics.

My remote automatically switches the channel to find Mission Impossible, Top Gun and Risky Business.
I guess it’s on Cruise control.

The restaurant offered me a job cooking hash browns but that's just small potatoes.

Q:Why do gas prices hurt so bad?

A:Because it’s PROPANE.

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work the car would still drive me there.

Doctor: I’m very sorry but I’m going to have to remove your colon

Me That’s ok

When you talk to yourself, at least one person is listening...

I hope...

A key to a woman’s heart is being able to make her laugh.
She laughed at the size of my penis.

What do you call an angsty teenage robot?
A sigh Borg.

NASA: We used to have a 9 planets but we now only have 8.
PLUTO : Stop telling everyone i'm not a
planet.
NASA: Sometimes we still hear its voice .

What does an electrician have for breakfast?

Ohm-lette.

The fact that there are imaginary number in math is proof that humans create their own problems and then cry about them .

If you ever feel useless, remember that there's GUI client for Git.

I normally have just one beer when I'm bored...
Yesterday I was bored 12 times..

I was informed about a documentary on Netflix about the clitoris
I couldn’t find it.

So what's a pig's favorite sit-com? Swine-feld!!

- Рабинович! Вы уклонились от уплаты налогов так, как в суде рассказывал прокурор?
- Совсем нет. Но его схема очень заслуживает внимания...

My wife asked if I had seen the moon tonight...

I didnt know it was lost...

Then all of a sudden it hit me: I should have hung that ceiling fan higher.

I just found out you can get Botox for your ballsack to get all the wrinkles out.
Pretty nuts, right?

It's a little known fact that Stephen Hawking aspired to do stand-up comedy. Alas, he could not.

— Рабинович, почему вы не пришли на субботник?
— Жена сказала, что мне нездоровится.

What do you call a stressed fire?
Burnout.

What's hard and hairy and sticks out of your pajamas at night?
Your head.

Ballet is one thing that really keeps you on your toes.

What is the farmers' choice of crypto-currency? Beet-coin.

How do you look up alcohol? On Whiskeypedia.

An artist who wants to draw a tree is in a hurry, so he draws a tree and leaves.

What does an Icelandic dogs bark sound like?

Björk...

How is a selfie stick like a dildo?
There's usually a cunt at one end.

- Боря, не стойте тут уже как памятник , вам таки ещё рано.

Размышляя, что подарить жене на день рождения — айфон или бахилы, Изя вдруг подумал: " Ну, айфоны ,таки, есть у всех.."

- Цилечка,ты любишь настольные игры?
- Люблю,Фима.
- Тогда ложись на стол..

What do pussies and Burger King have in common?
It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

Довольно игриво Роза выпила с Аркашей первый литр водки...

Where do skeletons eat in?
The dyning room.

What do you call an unmarried southern woman?
Virginian.

"When people talk bad about you, live so as nobody may believe them."

— Plato

How to cook the correct amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need.
2. Wrong.

My wife keeps refusing to clean out the coffee percolator. Is that grounds for divorce?

Вопрос армянскому радио:
- Могут ли мужчина и женщина дружить без секса?
Ответ:
- Да. Если они состоят в браке.

Sex so good that neighbours come forward to congratulate.

Никогда еще эзопов язык не был так глубоко туда засунут.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
His dick was stuck in a chicken.

My wife said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.
It put me in a very difficult position.

I once broke up with this girl that worked at an aquarium. Just something about her seemed fishy.

People needed to learn loyalty from dogs, we learned positions.

По мнению опытных мужчин, женщину нужно выбирать, как одежду: не только по красоте и качеству, но и по тому, как она на тебе сидит.

Never give soy sauce to someone who falls. You shouldn't Kikkoman when he's down.

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

If you lean a corpse against a doorbell, does it end up being a dead ringer for someone ?

What do you call an ink drawing on a woman's breast?
A tittoo.