Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My doctor left the hospital abruptly today to meet with the house contractor. He really needs to work on his bedside manor.

Some people get married only for the matri-money.

You will never see an orange in a brawl. They are afraid of being beaten to
a pulp.

So I failed my cement mixing exam…
it was too hard.

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.

Jack was asked in class to present a slide show. So Jack went to the playground and promptly filmed children going down a slide.

Often, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my daily demands.

Old refrigerators never die, they just lose their cool!

I don't need the microphone, I'm a loudspeaker.

I'm writing a book called "Litres & Gallons". It's two volumes.

Tony Stark really wanted to build a Chuck Norris suit but he wasn’t rich enough.

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What's the worst thing I said to my neighbour when he complained that
his wife is frigid?
No, she isn't!

I'm not saying my wife's greedy, but on her birthday she ate her cake so fast,we had to prise her mouth open to blow the candles out.

You miss 100% of the naps you don't take.

Today people are too dependant on technology...

"Alexa why is that?"

Jonathan was hit in the stomach with a lollipop. That is what they call a sucker punch.

I will love you forever*

*some rounding up has been applied.

Got so many personalities even masturbating feels like an orgy.

I’m so glad the accordion instructor was able to squeeze me in.

I think the proper term for "senior" women should be QUEENagers.

If Elon doesn’t rename Twitter to MySpaceX then what’s the point?

My grandparents fought during the Vietnam War.

They ended up getting a divorce

People sometimes confuse the plural
of octopus. It’s one octopus, two
octopuses, 3.14 octopi.

Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.

I have a photographic memory.
…. I’m just all out of film!

Is it OK to kiss a nun?

Yes, but don't get into the habit.

Chuck Norris can make Journey stop believing.

Chuck Norris has never met a lesbian.

My friend used to be addicted to flashing their bum in public... but that was many moons ago.

After careful consideration, Frank Sinatra decided to do it CHUCK'S way.

A woman was dining in a dimly lit restaurant and thought she saw an acquaintance. As she approached the other woman's table to say hello, she realized she was mistaken and said, "Oh, sorry, but you look like Helen Brown." "I know," said the stranger, "but my purple dress is at the cleaners."

Cop: You were going fast.
Me: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.
Cop: There isn't any.
Me: I know! That's how far behind I am.

I've had myself waxed 'down there'.

...now my socks slide on real easy.

I lost a close friend and drinking partner last week.

It was horrible. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

-Алё, это секс по телефону?
- Да, но я сегодня не могу!
-Почему?!
- У меня ухо болит.

I was an underwear model, but not very long, just a brief moment.

The dentist was set to get at the root of the problem. I don't ever want to go down that canal again.

Turquoise is the best color in the world. It's cyantifcally proven!

I told the librarian I was looking for information on various types of grease and lubricants.
She suggested I try nonfriction.

My mate asked me: "Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge?"
I said: "It's in case someone wants a black coffee.

My dad hated me when I was a kid. I remember asking him if I could go ice skating on the lake and he said maybe when it gets a little warmer.

So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?”
She said: "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.

I met my husband while working as a storm chaser. We married after a whirlwind romance.

Проводница подсыпала пассажирам в чай снотворное, когда ей они надоедали, и – виагру, когда ей становилось скучно.

The older I get the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

Life is not a Fairy Tale.
If you lose your shoe at midnight
You Are Drunk.

"Mess with me? I'll let karma do its job. Mess with my family? I become karma."
- Unknown

"Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma."

"Karma is like a rubber band. It can only stretch so far until it comes back and smacks you in the face."

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?
Banned from of Seaworld.

Reddit karma is a lot like sex
I don't get it.

How many Karma whores does it take to screw on a lightbulb?
When this reaches 500 upvotes I'll tell you.

What's the difference between Bad Karma and Reddit Karma?
You get Bad Karma by stealing other people's belongings. You get Reddit Karma by stealing other people's jokes.

My buddy asked me how my post got so much karma
“Simple, piece of cake”

I'm a firm believer in karma...
All of the people I treated badly had it coming to them.

Ищешь недостающую половинку, а попадается вечно достающая...

Chuck Norris was able to leave Hotel California.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest... I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

I wear my table of elements shirt periodically.

I always see more people walking into Walmart than out of Walmart... but the meat is cheap so I don't ask questions.

Only two years ago, my wife’s gynecologist delivered pizza.
Still to this day, they both think it’s a bad name.

Revenge can be sweet.
But if you sit back and watch.
Karma can be pure entertainment.

Он называл её на Вы, а она давно мечтала, чтобы начал уже тыкать...

I took first prize at the science fair when I taught my hummingbird to ring a bell for food.
The judges said it was a real humdinger.

I found that it was hard to get an egg over easy. The darn egg wouldn't cooperate.

These Amber Heard jokes were funny at first until shit hit the fan.

I threatened to sue the dry cleaners for giving me wrinkled clothes, and they responded by pressing suit.

Me: Why are you kicking me out of church???
Pastor: Because, for the LAST TIME, ‘drink beer and fuck’ is NOT one of the commandments!!

I only go to steakhouses on Rare occasions.

My first acupuncture appointment is Monday. I’m not sure how this will work out, needles to say….

“The first amendment is there for a reason. The second is in case the first one doesn’t work out.”
—Dave Chapelle

Life is too short to code in C++.

People tell me that I am in denial, but I refuse to believe it.

I came home today to find my husband had been on ebay all day!
If this continues...I'm gonna have to reduce the price.

- Изя, вот скажите мне, почему евреи всё время воюют с арабами?
- Моня, таки это всё от зависти. Евреи завидуют арабам, что у них есть нефть...
- А арабы?
- А арабы завидуют тому, что евреи живут лучше них, несмотря на отсутствие нефти.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
— Winston Churchill

There’s no excuse for laziness... but if you find one, let me know.

-How can I dry my Shakespeare doll on this washing line?
-Peg your bard on?
-I said how can I dry my Shakespeare doll on this washing line?