Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Spouses are a lot like FBI agents.
They won’t ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.

How does an FBI agent have sex
... FBI open up.
... We're coming in.

How do you hide a million dollars from the FBI?
Give it to the CIA, those two don't share anything.

A frightened man goes to the FBI head office and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police,” said the front desk.

The man replied: “I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

Why did the FBI investigate the duck?
He was a known quack dealer.

What the soviet FBI called?
FB-WE.

If I were locked in a room with an agent from the CIA, FBI, and NSA and I had a gun with only two bullets...
I'd shoot myself in the back of the head 3 times.

An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.
He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?
The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."

What do you call a barbeque for the FBI?
A steak-out.

Why was the FBI agent happy after he visited a glory hole?
Because he received an anonymous tip.

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

FBI, CIA, DEA which is best at finding people?
the IRS.

Maxwell House Now grows cannabis
It’s called Coffee Pot.

Do you think the US government mishandled the Pandemic?
I’m not just certain, I’m COVID positive.

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.
"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "What can I do to make Russia great again?"

Stalin replies, "Execute half the government and paint the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part" says Stalin.

Heard the government was putting Chips on people...
Hope mine is sour cream and onion.

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.
I told him it's all in his head.

The government offered to buy my guns from me.
But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

Why is prostitution illegal?
Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.

What's the difference between the government and a banjo?
You can fix a banjo.

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.

The government of Canada is forming a council to determine the merits of decriminalization of all drugs.
It will be a High Council.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.
That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

Why can't engines remain government leaders?
Once the first revolution begins there's always thousands more.

I would make a joke about the government right now.
But it probably wouldn’t accomplish anything.

Why doesn't the Government let chickens build their own houses?
Because they'll make a coup.

Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.
Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate?
Taiwanasaurus.

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?
Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

I've got a great idea for tax evasion.
Apparently if you don't pay your taxes the government will give you free housing, free food and a roommate.

Why is suicide illegal in China?
Destruction of government property.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly
They call her ‘Cagey B’.

What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?
Biden.

A farmer had his farm on the Finnish/Russian border and the government asked him what country he wanted his farm to be in since it couldn't be in both. And he said Finland and the government asked him why.
And he said "because I can't stand the russian winters".

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…
“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?
Stop school shootings.

In Soviet Russia, the government regulates the pharmaceutical industry.
In America, the pharmaceutical industry regulates the government.

What's similar between The Mafia and a Pussy..?
...I haven't been in either.

Why are Mafia members so good at sex?
Because they've always got a stiff in the trunk.

What do you call a mafia boss' key?
A don-key.

Why do politicians, bankers and mafia bosses like to play golf?
Because you can play that in handcuffs too.

Why doesn't the mafia like elephants?
Bodies don't fit in the trunk.

What activity does the owl mafia participate in?
Drive by hootings.

Q: How does the Prague mafia mark its territory?
A: With a Czech mark.

If the Mafia took over the Paparazzi it would be a flash mob.

Most countries have mafia.
In Soviet Russia, mafia have country.

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...
He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

Did you hear about the mafia Don with memory problems?
He kept making people offers he couldn't remember.

Did you know that Jesus was with the Italian Mafia?
It’s true! His dad was the Godfather.

Just heard that the mafia hired a mime to do their dity work.
You ask why.
Because they don't say a word when questioned.

Whats the difference between the mafia and an acting troupe?
When the Mafia says break a leg, they mean someone elses.

What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government.
One of them is organised.

Harry Potter could make a great mafia boss.
He always catches the snitch.

The French mafia threw me in a truck full of bread. I thought it would soften the drop,
but all I feel is pain.

What do you get when you cross an economist with a Mafia godfather?
An offer you can’t understand.

Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.
Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

Organised Religion and Mafias have a lot in common...
Both have their respective clubhouses and neither pay taxes.

The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation.
No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering.

I wanted to join the Yakuza, but I got it mixed it up with “Jacuzzi”.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

What does the mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them, so they kill him.

At the gates of heaven, god asks the Italian why he didn’t just give them the information they needed, and that he probably would still be alive if he had.

The Italian responds, “How could I? Those rascals had tied up my hands!”

Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here."
The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"

What does the pussy and mafia have in common?
it's a lot more fun if you're on the inside .

I made a list of things I need to do, but then I lost it. Maybe that is why I feel so listless.

- Хочешь, я убью соседа?
- А можно лучше за окошком Альпы?
- Нет.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

What is the difference between Capitalism and Communism?
It's the order of events,

In Capitalism the dad goes missing and then kids report,
while in Communism kids report then dad goes missing.

If I had a dollar for everything wrong with capitalism
... then I probably wouldn't be complaining about capitalism.

Capitalism, Communism, and Socialism have a meeting for afternoon tea.
Communism collapses on the way there and dies from malnutrition. Socialism is so late from collecting welfare to buy the tea that he decides to go home. However, Capitalism - seeing that neither of the two showed up - buys his own tea, finishes his lunch break, and goes back to work.

Capitalism has many problems but communism only has 3
- Breakfast
- Lunch
- Dinner

What do you call it when a white person robs you?
Capitalism.

I bought a book on capitalism...
but then returned it because some of the letters were in lower-case.

What's the difference between Communism and Capitalism?
In Communism the government owns and runs and collects everything.
In Capitalism you own and run things and the government collects it for you.

How do you get rid of capitalism?
Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

Capitalism is dancing at the edge of the abyss.
Socialism, of course, is one step ahead of them.

I hate capitalism, so i always type my messages in lowercase. i also hate racism, and refuse to run 100 metres.

If I had a dollar for everything wrong with capitalism
... then I probably wouldn’t be complaining about capitalism.

What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.

What do my girlfriend and ethical capitalism have in common?
They don't exist.