Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.
Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

You can't even be a babysitter these days without someone getting offended.
And calling you a "home intruder".

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant babysitter?
Can’t unscrew the babysitter.

The babysitter didn't realize I was secretly taping her until I put the last piece over her mouth.

I asked my babysitter from 15 years ago if she remembered how hard it was to get me in bed.
I told her it that it would be much easyier now.

A man tells his friends that his 5 year old son is a douche because he made the babysitter pregnant!
Ask how?
He punctured all my сondoms with a pin.

When i was little i wanted to be a babysitter
but then i got a baby sister.

If the babysitter is present when your child takes their first steps...
...they are automatically promoted to babystander.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

Fun Fact: The word 'bed' looks like an actual bed.

Wife: I'm pregnant.
Dad: Hi pregnant, I’m dad.
Wife: No, you’re not.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

All work and no pay makes a housewife.

What do you call a slutty housewife?
A dirty dishwasher.

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
'Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am,' he said politely, ' but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread!' 'That's right.' 'Every day you wallop him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were hitting him with a chocolate cake....?' 'Well, today is his birthday!'

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic ,fell into a river ,all died .
Each husband cried for a week ,one husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked that did he miss his wife so much ?
he replied miserably :
No. My wife missed the bus !!!

My housewife wanted to go back to college.
At first I was skeptical, but eventually I agreed to a degree.

A middle-aged housewife decides to donate her old clothes to charity
Wife: "I've gathered up some old clothes and I need you to drop them off at the church charity."

Husband: *Groaning* " Why not just throw them out? It's easier that way."

Wife: "Because there are people out there who are poor and starving that need these clothes."

Husband: "Darling, anyone who fits into your clothes is not starving."

A plumber is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!

A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband
"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.

Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.

After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."

"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

So a housewife is preparing thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, "are you hungry, dear?"
And the turkey answers, "no, I'm stuffed."

You know what's the difference between a housewife and a politician?
The housewife thinks about doing her taxes while having sex.
The politician thinks about having sex while spending your taxes.

What's the difference between a hooker, a lover and a housewife?
A hooker says "Faster! faster!"
A lover says "Slower....slooower..."
A housewife says "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"
I've sent her my washing, that should keep her busy.

My girlfriend told me there is no way you can turn a hoe into a housewife.
I said "Yes you can".
She said "How"?
I proposed.

Q: What do a handgrenade and a housewife have in common?
A: Once you pull the ring your house is gone.

- Что случилось?…
- Рубаха в жопу засучилась…

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev
from a company called You Crane.

I rented a prostitute for $60 an hour.
I paid her 50 cents.

Have you heard about the guy who rents space on the beach for people to masturbate into the ocean?
Customers have been coming in waves.

The game monopoly is fin, but has some major out of date stuff.
There’s free parking, a luxury tax, you can actually afford to pay rent, and rich people can actually go to jail.

I got evicted from the womb at birth.
I guess that makes sense because I wasn’t paying rent.

Rent a man a helicopter, he will fly for a day.
Throw him off the flying helicopter and he will fly for the rest of his life ...

Landlord tells blonde she has to suck his dick to pay rent.
She blows him, swallows, and says, "Now can I pay rent?"

What do you call it when mozzarella, cheddar, and parmesan rent a little beach house together?
Cottage cheese.

What does a pirate call renting cheap accomodation?
Arr'Bnb.

My friend rents out his buildings— one to the neo- Nazis, and the other to the KKK.
He is a leaser of two evils.

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.

I have a guy named Lou who rents from me
I call him Loutenant.

A Soldier I was renting a house to did a runner
And owes me 6 months rent. He said he was a General but I've since discovered he is a Left Tenant.

I complained to my local video rental store because they only have one movie to rent.
They said, take IT or leave IT.

Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights.
Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.

What do you call a fetus that pays rent?
A womb-mate.

I pay my rent in sexual favors.
I try to stay on top but sometimes I end up behind.

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”
“Sir, do you mean a choir?”
“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

Homes are so expensive in my area I had to move into my friend's bouncy castle.
The rent's pretty expensive, but it's mostly due to inflation.

Was looking for a place to rent. Landlord said I owe him first and last month's rent.
I said, I'm happy to pay you first month's rent, but it's hardly my responsibility to pay you last month's rent.

I gave my Landlord an ear job to pay for rent this month.
I've got to say it wasn't as bad as it sounds.

How did Beethoven rent out his house?
He put it up Fur Elise.

My great grandpa, on his death bed, offered to sell his vital organs on the black market to help pay our rent during economic crisis.
We declined his offer.

We got evicted a week later, and he died another week after that, but at least his heart was in the right place.

A man enters a Blockbuster and asks “I want to rent Batman Forever”
The clerk replies: “I’m sorry but you must return it tomorrow”

Why do strip malls love renting space to Chinese restaurants?
Because they’re lo mein tenants.

My friend was having bowel trouble when smoking marijuana. He didn't know whether to shit or get off the pot.

I was just asked if I want to go to the beach!
I said: “SHORE!”

Мужской и женский флирт — это как художественная гимнастика и футбол.
Женщинам только и надо, что чисто ленточками помахать, мужчины более конкретны, им надо гол забить.

I accidentally left an apple outside my local doctors office.

Now he wont be able to get in.

What is an example of a Facebook paradox?
Discovering one of their user's is trying to build a bomb and having to decide between reporting him to the FBI or serving him ads for digital timers.

"Hello, is this the anonymous FBI tip line?"
"Yes, Dave."

What do the FBI and MS Paint have in common?
They don't support transparency.

If a mole working within the FBI were to come up with a joke what kind would it be?
An inside joke.

What do you call a delivery girl who dated an FBI agent?
A Fed Ex.

The FBI Just raided a local dentist office.
They are currently performing a cavity search.

What does Match.com and the FBI's Top Ten list have in common?
I'm not wanted on either.

How is an FBI interrogation like oral sex?
One slip of your tongue and you'll wind up in shit.

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...
One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

Spouses are a lot like FBI agents.
They won’t ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.

How does an FBI agent have sex
... FBI open up.
... We're coming in.

How do you hide a million dollars from the FBI?
Give it to the CIA, those two don't share anything.

A frightened man goes to the FBI head office and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police,” said the front desk.

The man replied: “I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

Why did the FBI investigate the duck?
He was a known quack dealer.

What the soviet FBI called?
FB-WE.

If I were locked in a room with an agent from the CIA, FBI, and NSA and I had a gun with only two bullets...
I'd shoot myself in the back of the head 3 times.

An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.
He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?
The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."

What do you call a barbeque for the FBI?
A steak-out.

Why was the FBI agent happy after he visited a glory hole?
Because he received an anonymous tip.

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

FBI, CIA, DEA which is best at finding people?
the IRS.

Maxwell House Now grows cannabis
It’s called Coffee Pot.