Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws: Everything goes wrong all at once.

Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.

Murphy's Law of the Open Road: When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.

Murphy's Law of Copiers: The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

In any structure, pick out the one piece that should not be mismarked and expect the plant to cross you up.

After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add two more for the unexpected, unexpected delays.

Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Everything takes longer than you think.

Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Asking for the last time, what is k doing in knife ?

My wife was afraid of the dark.
Then she saw me naked…
Now she’s afraid of the light!

The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!

Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.

When Thor decided to leave the Avengers, he turned to real estate.
He’s going to be a real-thor.

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.
― Maya Angelou

Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.

Why do real estate agents love Thanksgiving so much?
They have “lots” to be grateful for.

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns…
Last time I voted for a real estate agent.

What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.

You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.

What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.

Why did the real estate agent buy a skateboard?
So they could flip it.

What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”

When it comes to board games about buying real estate…
Hasbro truly has the Monopoly.

How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.

Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”

What did the real estate agent who moonlights in photography tell his client?
“I’m not a photographer, but I can picture you in this house.”

What does a British real estate agent care most about?
His proper tea.

What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.

Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.

What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.

Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.

My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.

How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.

What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.

How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.

“Hey, I might be looking to find a new brokerage. How many agents work at your brokerage?”

“About half!”

Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.

“Eh, that realtor doesn’t look so strong. I bet I can take him in a fight!”
“Are you crazy? That guy says he flips houses in his spare time!”

Which Star Wars character would make the best realtor?
Lando Calrissian.

Q:What’s the difference between a Realtor and a Mortgage Broker?
A:The Mortgage Broker knows he’s boring.

When I went to the hospital and they had me put on that “gown.”
I knew that the end was in sight.

Real estate agents need to laugh at their problems. Everybody else does.

Agent: “This house is great, but it’s really for the cats.”

Buyer: “What do you mean?”

Agent: “It will take you nine lives to pay off the mortgage.”

Hey, girl, are you a mortgage? Because you’ve got my interest!

There's a light in a woman's eyes that speaks louder than words.
• Arthur Conan Doyle, The Hound of the Baskervilles

- Фима, скажи, вот ты веришь в светлое будущее?
- Только в нефильтрованное...

Every week someone sneaks into my home and steals some of my fruit..
I don't know how but they've done it again today!
Once again, I'm absolutely peachless...

Fishing License is so stupid, you can't even drive a fish.

Diet books are always best sellers,
because they appeal to a wider audience!

If you love something, let it go... and that's EXACTLY what I've done with my body.

My girlfriend said I was un-American.
I saw that coming from a kilometer away.

Вместе с рыбными обозами исчезли и Ломоносовы.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

What do you eat when you're cold and angry?
A Brrgrr.

9 months really isn't that long...

It just feels like a maternity.

When ever my mate gets angry he goes up to his loft and plays his bongos.
It's a little drum attic.

It doesnt matter if you dont know what prefix means, its not the end of the word.

My vascular surgeon passed away.
At least he didn't die in vein.

Real estate agents pay Chuck Norris to not buy a house.

Don't blame online shopping,u also don't look exactly like ur profile pic.

My favorite sex position is crying alone in the bathroom.

I'm a good person, just not a good person to split a bottle of Rum with if you're a slow drinker...

My wife asked me to get rid of my Meatloaf record collection, I told her "I'll do anything for love but I won't do that"!

Two unbiased estimators are sitting in a bar, having a few beers. The first one says, "How do you like being married?" The second one says, "It's okay, but you lose a degree of freedom!"
(statistics fun)

Old statisticians never die, they just become nonsignificant.

I’m not an outlier; I just haven’t found my distribution yet!
(statistics fun)

The Statistics professor's failing students found it difficult to live within his means.

Don't become a novelist; be a statistician, much more scope for the imagination.