Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you call a man laying on your door step with no arms and no legs?
Matt.

What does a crocodile use to recover from an injury.
A Gatorade. 😀

If a short person waves at you, is that called a microwave ?

I was having sex with my girlfriend last night.
I shouted, "who's your daddy? who's your daddy?"
And she started crying... I had forgotten that she's adopted.

Do you know what is wrong with an Italian that has one arm shorter than the other? He has a speech impediment. 😛

Who can drink two litters of gasoline?
Jerry can. ⛽😲

HR: Can you give me an example of your problem solving skills
Me: I was fired from my last job and now I'm applying for this one.

Wanted to produce a movie on how to fly fish. But couldn’t get a good cast. 🐟

When the vikings die in battle, they reach Van Halen. 🤘

Q) Who declared Corona as a pandemic?
A) WHO declared Corona as a pandemic.

My girlfriend left me for an electrician. He promised her the earth!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump. 🦘

Why was the robot couple’s anniversary in the fall?
They were autumn mated. 🤖

I usually wake up grumpy. But today I let her sleep in. 😎

Question: What do you call alien eggs?
Answer: Eggstra-terrestrials! 🥚

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm in it.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down!

Where do boats go when they get sick?

To the dock. 🤙

I once lived just a stones throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries. 😲

My hubby bought me an extremely tall lamp in the sales....
it was the high light of my day. ☝

Friend went to his doctor and was told he could ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He had a weekend immune system.

What is pink and fluffy????
Pink fluff 😁

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

"A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.”
The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
The vendor replies, “change comes from within”.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing summer beach sandals?
Phillipe Phloppe.

Нуждаюсь в денежной работе
Но чтоб не связана с трудом. 🦥

A lad says to his school teacher.
Here sir, what do you think I’ll be when I grow up,
The teacher thinks for a minute and then replies... about 45. 🧓

My friend said he wanted me to try an exorcise bike, so i called a priest, washed it in holy water, and cast it out. 🚳

When I was younger, I had a terrible accident where I fell into an industrial upholstery machine.
It’s ok now. I’m fully recovered.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out he was an optical Aleutian.👁

What did Salvador Dali have for breakfast?
A bowl of surreal. 🎨🖌🖼

Why can’t you tell Elvis a joke?

Because he’ll be all shook up 🕺

I wanted to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patience. 🥼

The more you cut corners the closer you are to going in circles. 🍥

Марк Соломонович учит соседского юношу:
- Изя, пока работаешь на дядю, не заработаешь на тётю.

Did you know that Swedish warships have barcodes on them, so when they go into dock they can Scandinavian. 😜

A friend of mine can't afford their water bill, so I just sent them a get well soon card.

I warned my daughter against using her whistle in the house and gave her one last chance, but she blew it.

I WANT TO STOP MY OBSESSION WITH LISTENING TO PHIL COLLINS SONGS, BUT I KNOW IT'S...

AGAINST ALL ODDS.
❤❤❤

What do you call a soldier who survives Mustard Gas & Pepper Spray training?
A seasoned veteran. 😲

What do u call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

Did you hear the one about the tornado?
SPOILER ALERT...there's a twist at the end ! 🌪

An oxymoron walked into a bar...
The silence was deafening.

I saw a man sucking on a car muffler yesterday. When I asked him about it he said he was exhausted.

Why did the blonde nurse show up to work with a red crayon?
In case she needed to draw blood. 🩸

PLEASE DO NOT EVER LOOK AT SQUIRREL POOP.
IT'S FREAKN NUTS.

Me; Is your Name Ladesh?
Him: Why?
Me; Because I wanna Bang-Ladesh

A man sued an airline company after they couldn’t find his luggage.
He lost his case.

What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roaming Catholic ✝

IF YOU FOUND A PICTURE OF BOTH OF YOUR MOM'S SISTERS WEARING YOUR JEANS, COULD THAT BE A CLEAR CASE OF..
AUNTS IN YOUR PANTS?? 👖

Are bras measured in cups cuz titties have milk in them ? 🍼

What do you call a code file without any text sections in it?
No strings attached.

Book now for the lecture on the expanding universe because space is limited. 🌌

What did our parents do to kill boredom before social media?
I asked my 23 brothers and sisters and they don't know either..

That seminar I was going to: “How to avoid frauds” has been canceled. Turns out tickets are non-refundable. 🎫

You never hear about the 8th or 9th dwarves, Pushy & Bully.
Little things, mean a lot.

My Mrs says I'm a rubbish electrician, well she's in for a shock. ⚡🔌

Do you think Locksmiths are key workers ? 🔑

Just heard on the TV that humans eat more bananas than monkeys..
Not surprised really, can't remember the last time I ate a monkey. 🙊🙉🙈

There's only three ways to come out of this lockdown: a hunk, a chunk or a drunk. 🥃

- How first user of C died?

- struct by_lighting.

How are you getting exercise during the quarantine? Me, I'm running my mouth and jumping to conclusions.

So this girl blocked me on Facebook because I post too many things about birds. Well, toucan play that game. 😁

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.

I met the president of a needle company. He wasn't a nice guy.

In fact...... He was a prick. 😃

Did you know McDonald's once considered having snails on the menu?
They decided against it of course because it wasn't fast food! 🐌

My dad told me to make little things count.

So now I'm teaching math to dwarfs.⛔

I love blueberry pies, apple pies, strawberry pies or any other kind of pies. I am in the Caribbean now. Does anyone know any pie rates of the Caribbean?🦜🏴‍☠️

People who work at a pickle factory really Relish their jobs. 🌶

HTML(How to marry a lady) 😎

I think my masturbation problem just got out of hand😃

Have you ever seen me tie my shoelaces with the power of my mind?
I thought knot.

What's the difference between light and hard?
I can sleep with the light on. 😜

Sign at the Urologist's office: URINE good hands.

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you will rise and shine! 👞🤩

A four-foot-tall fortune teller escaped from prison. He was a small medium at Large. 🔮

What do say to a British friend who's just been injured ?
UK?

My friend wanted to tell me an IKEA pun but she couldn't put it together. 🪑🔨

I was going to post a joke about alzheimer's but I umm.....😕

What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't watch the Flintstones, people from abu dhabi dooooo