Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Husband comes home with ' I love u ' tattooed on his penis.....
When he shows his Wife she goes crazy....
See there you go again you bastard,
..........trying to put words in my mouth!

Went out for a family meal last night, and we decided to try the duck for a change.
As usual, I ended up with the bill!

Masturbation is a touchy subject. But oral sex is a matter of taste.

OMG!....I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown.

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads.

Q:What do you call a fat psychic ?
A :Four chin teller.

A woman goes to the doctor and tells him that her pussy is itching something fierce, "well let me take a look at it." While he's down there he's saying "yes , sure,aha, okay." He tells her to sit up and get dressed. Once she's dressed he says, "I'm sorry to inform you ma'am but you have crabs." Shocked she says, "that can't be, I'm a virgin!" Disbelieving her the doctor asks the woman her age, she says, "I just turned 45." He laughs and says, "Well I am sorry to inform you that you do indeed have crabs." So the woman goes to a second doctor to get another opinion. The doctor tells her to strip and lay down. While he's down there he's saying, "okay I see, sure, haha." He instructs the woman to sit up and get dressed. "I'm sorry to tell you this ma'am but you have crabs." Shocked again she says, "that's impossible I'm a virgin." Again the doctor laugh's and asks her age. She says, "I just turned 45." The doctor laugh's says, "I'm sorry but you do have crabs." The woman seeks a third and final opinion. As usual she strips and lies down. The doctor goes down there and says, "haha, wow! unbelievable! She says, "Oh Lord please don't tell me I have crabs!" He says, "no ma'am I'm sorry to inform you but your cherry has gone rotten and you have the worst case of fruit flies I've ever seen! "

If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have..
..mixed fillings??

2 guys were talking about what they got their wives for Valentines Day
The first guy says: "I got my wife flowers, chocolates and a diamond bracelet"
The second guy replies: "Oh nice she will like that... I too got my wife flowers, chocolates, but with a diamond ring..................... and a dildo.
The first guy asks: "that sounds great but why the dildo?................
The second guy looks him in the eyes and says: "Well if she doesnt like the ring she can go fuck herself!"

What is the difference between a pitbull and a woman on her rag?
The lipstick!

Last Christmas Eve, Santa got stuck in my chimney. Getting stuck is bad enough, but he also suffers from Claus-trophobia...

Where did George Washington keep his armies?

In his sleevies 😂

I once read the dictionary. Now ever book I read is just a remix.

I found myself in a strange market place, how bazaar.

Did Cain kill his brother because he was Abel to? 😏

- Зинка, скажи этим ханурикам, чтобы 72-й портвейн не выбивали - кончился!..
Зинка:
- Ladies and gentlemen, attention please! Portwein number seventy-two is over. Thank you!..

I'd make a pun about my dick,but y'all wouldn't get it.

It seems to me the meaning of opaque is unclear.

I was gonna look for my missing watch. But I could never find the time..

There was a lady and husband that decided to try making love in their backyard. When the lady opened her legs a bee flew into her vagina. So they went to the Dr to have it removed. The Dr said oh no problem sir if it'ss okay with you I will put honey on my penis, and pull out and the bee will be out. After a period of time had passed the husband noticed the Dr was enjoying himself, the husband said hey what are you doing you seem to really be enjoying yourself and the bee has not come out either. The Dr. Turned to the man and said I'm going for plan B I'm gonna drown the little bastard.

I just saw Gwen Stefani walking down the street.
I have no doubt it was her.

Have you met Bruce Lee's vegan brother Broco?
Broco Lee

There isn't a census in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"
The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."

"Barry, If you don't marry me now I'm pregnant I'm gonna jump off the Sydney Harbour Bridge"
"Crikey Sheila, I knew you were a good fuck, but no idea you're such a good sport too"

What do coffee lovers feel when they run out of coffee?
Depresso!

Measurement Humor:
Ratio of igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarse power
Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
365 days drinking lo-cal beer = 1 lite year
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = won ton
10 rations = decoration
2 doctors = paradox
Time between slipping and hitting the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Mama doesn't let me watch Orchestra performances.

- Too much sax and violins.

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

I bet my butcher that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf, but he wouldn't take the bet because the steaks were too high.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Disneyland is a people trap set by a mouse.

A little boy is in the shower with his Mum when he points to her vagina and asks 'what's that Mum?'.
Mum replies 'well Son, that's my axe wound'.
The little boy exclaims 'wow that must have been a good shot, it got you right in the cunt!'

I asked a German what the square root of 81 was. He just keeps telling me "no" for some reason.

A tennis ball rolls into a bar.. Barman says, "Have you been served?"

My uncle Jack died the other day,
Oh dear, What of ?
I don't know
But apparently it wasn't anything serious .

The life of a driller is boring.

I don't know why people go on about Lennon & McCartney...Ringo was clearly the Starr.

Me " Do you have the book about small dicks ? "

Librarian " I don`t think it`s in yet "

Me " That`s the one "

My friend claims that he "accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.

I started a band called 999 megabytes. I still haven't got a gig yet.

I got pulled over last week, when I gave the cop my driver's license he took a double take then asked me, "what's your name"? I said it's D D DA D David. He said, "you got a stutter boy"! I said, no sir, my dad had a stutter and the guy filling out the birth certificate was a real jerk!

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes
John: I want to be rich
Genie: Done
Rich: But noting happened

I'm addicted to buying Beatles albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help!?

I'm addicted to buying Beatles albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help!?

I've got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.

Looking for a wife to cook, clean, snuggle, laugh at my jokes, make love, then fuck off home when her husband calls.

I thought there would be more training when I became a garbageman, but you really just pick it up as you go.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.

Fact: Sharks can only attack you if you're wet.

Two old guys on the porch are watching a dog lick his balls. One guy says, "I wish I could do that." The second guy suggests, "You ought to try petting him first."

Did you know... theres a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on." The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed"

At the old folks home, Sam & Arlene have their special way of intimacy. Arlene holds Sam's penis while they watch TV. A new resident moves in and Arlene is shocked to find Sam sitting next to her as the new woman holds Sam's penis. Later, Arlene confronts Sam asking, "What has she got that I haven't got?" Sam sheepishly replies, "Parkinson's"

Sent my hearing aid off for repair a month ago.
I've heard nothing since....

Detective: “Tell me what you saw"
Carpenter: “Wood, mostly"

You don't need math to be good at programming
(And other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself )

So my wife walked out on me after I spent our life savings on a penis extension... She said she just couldn't take it any longer!

It'll be alright in the end...and if it's not alright, then it's not the end yet.... (Exotic Marigold Hotel)

My mannequin is broken and I can't stand it anymore!

jokes about unemployment aren't working

I went out to eat last night. The hostess asked if we had reservations. I said yes plenty but we came anyway.

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were having breakfast. Sam said to Harry, "Harry, why do you have a suppository in your ear?" Harry took the suppository out, looked it over and said, "Sam, I'm really glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

I've just been diagnosed as clinically obese - as if I haven't got enough on my plate!

How lucky I'm, I've married a girl who is already pregnant.

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!" "Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up". The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him. After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills. The guy can hardly believe his luck. Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead. The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled. The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?"

What's Beethoven up to these days?
-Decomposing.

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight. At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

There's a guy going around stealing iPhones. At some point he's going to face time....

"Concerning non-violence: it is criminal to teach a man not to defend himself when he is the constant victim of brutal attacks." ~Malcolm X

My girlfriend told me that she had had sex with 5 people before we met. I wouldn`t have minded but I was only 25 minutes late !

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

Caught my son picking up a dropped pencil
Noticed that he held his hand next to his heart while doing that
On asking why did he do that
He told me ..
' in school - the teacher bent to pick up the duster and both her "lungs" fell out .

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket...

A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck. "Go up to the road and get help," he said. "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."

Anal sex is keeping my wife really fit..
Everytime I mention it she runs a fucking mile!!..