Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Having boobs helps me avoid having unwanted eye contact.

Патологоанатомы утверждают, что внутренняя красота человека сильно преувеличена.

Муж изменил, любовник бросил, никому верить нельзя...

all sex is casual sex if ur not wearing a bow tie.

– А ты знаешь, что Игорь амбидекстер?
– Кто?
– Игорь.

Наша Таня громко плачет... Съела баскетбольный мячик... Мама Тани тоже плачет... Сомневается, что мячик...

"Did you know Mortal Kombat is based on an old Scandinavian church song?

It’s a Finnish hymn."

NO, STUFF ISN'T GETTING MORE EXPENSIVE.

YOU'RE JUST BECOMING POORER.

Is it weird to get naked during a massage?
At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?

Humans are proof that God makes mistakes.

Me: see, I told you I could fit all the Halloween decorations in one box.

My wife: stop calling our house a box.

При помощи обруча и лысого мальчика находчивый учитель астрономии показал детям Сатурн.

I drink enough coffee to solve all my current problems and create many exciting new ones.

Кот футболиста никогда не спит клубком.

My ass looks the best when I walk away

-me flirting

- Мама, мама, а что это вы с папой делаете?
- Папе пуговицу на брюках пришивала, теперь нитку зубами перекусываю...

"I'm not heartless, i just learned how to use my heart less."

"Хорошо там, где нас нет" - самая правдивая русская поговорка.

Saying "have a nice day" to someone sounds friendly
But saying "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.

В Израиле национальность компьютера определяют по материнской плате.

Why is it considered harassment to talk about sex in the workplace but not to children at school?

In England Bigfoot is called Bigmeter.

My wife and I have started role playing in the bedroom, her favourite is 'Sexy librarian' where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

Нужно ли пить витамин д если твоя жена солнышко ?

- Девушка, где-то я вас уже видел.
- Да, я часто где-то бываю.

"No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness. "

-Aristotle

Do yourself a favor, get rich.

Be connected, not attached.

I like my coffee like I like my men,
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away.

Property tax is paying rent to the government.

I strongly believe that women hide their clit on purpose just to blame men for not finding it!

I misunderstood the meaning of “strip mall” and now I’m not allowed back.

Don’t chase what’s not chasing you.

Говорят, не повезет Если черный кот дорогу перейдет А пока наоборот Тедйереп угород ток ииынреч илсе тезевоп ен тяровог.

I juss wanna get rich the same way y'all get pregnant:

fast & unplanned.

My safe word is "meatloaf," because I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

Did you know Harry Potter is a developer?

He is fluent in python.

Please use a condom on Valentines Day.
I hate Taurus.

When you are angry, stay silent.

Keep your circle small, but smart. Fewer people, less nonsense.

Risk is better than regret.

Never tell somebody everything. You might be educating an enemy.

"don’t ever let the same people disappoint you twice."

God works in mysterious ways is a euphemism for "Stop asking hard questions".

Teacher: “Give me a noun, Tom?”
Tom: “Dust”
Teacher: “Correct. Now give me collective noun.”
Tom: “Vacuum cleaner.”

Classical music is just heavy metal before electricity.

Абитуриенток с именем-отчеством Марь Иванна берут в педагогический институт без экзаменов...

Девушка занимается любовью со студентом:
- Ну что, ты уже кончил?
- Нет, я ещё на четвертом курсе.

Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

Politicians should be limited to two terms: 1 in office and 1 in prison.

- Что самое лучшее на свете?
- Секс!
- А какой секс?
- На Свете!

I caught my coworker watching porn during our meeting

He said this is his home security camera.

Momma said i can become anything,

So i became a fucking problem.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.

i only type in lower case letters because i hate capitalism

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up.
Cop: That's not how field sobriety tests work.

Если дать человеку кусок мяса, он ляжет спать сытым. А если добавить две бутылки водки, то ещё и одетым.

Somebody with yo ex right now realizing why you left.

Если вам изменила любимая - не надо устраивать скандал жене.

- Папа, а почему меня зовут Изабелла?
- Когда-нибудь поймешь, моя полусладкая.

"Censorship reflects a society's lack of confidence in itself."
Potter Stewart

- Жила-была одна маленькая девочка и вот однажды темной-темной ночью... ей исполнилось 47.

I have a joke on digital marketing but you will have click first.

The system isn't broken. It is working exactly as intended.

Эротический двухсерийный фильм. Серия I: "Принцесса на Горошине". Серия II: "Горошин на принцессе".

It's not a pandemic, it's BigPharma terrorism.

Все люди одинаковы, но проявляют свою одинаковость по-разному.

- Я крут!
- Как яйца?
- Спасибо, нормально.

My wife will be coming back home today. I haven't cleaned or done the dishes for a week.
Now she'll see that I can't live without her.
I'm so romantic!

NO ALCOHOL touching my lips this year ‼️

Imma use a straw.

Eat pussy while it's still legal.

Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?

If you're inclined to take urinate while you're in the shower be sure to add “multitasking” to your resume.

What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum?

They’re both purple except for the rabbit.

It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

If you love something, let it go... and that's EXACTLY what I've done with my body.

It's unacceptable to use chauvinistic names for short women, a little bird told me.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted... turns out that's 9 pm.

Just once I'd like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we're going to have to ask you to leave".