Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Two friends chat and one boasts about his new car.

“So I’ve got a new Tesla Model X; it drives itself.”

“Nice...where is it?”

“No idea!”

Q:What is an electricians favorite type of news?
A:Current events.

My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.
Eventually she came round.

What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.

Q:What is the best time of the day, hands-down?
A:6.30.

What did the sand say as the tide came in?
Hey, long time no sea.

I asked my dad, “Can we get some pets?”

He said: “No, pets are just a step backwards.”

What has three letters and starts with gas?
A car.

Imagine if vampires had blunt teeth and couldn't bite you?

They would just suck.

My wife is incredibly smart.

When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered “hey love.”

She already knew it was me!

The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve answered, "I wish I was rich!" The genie continued, "What’s your second wish?"

“I want a nice long life,” said Rich.

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.

It’s not like I did anything.

Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

The diagnosis came out of the purple.

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

Whenever I’m in Dire Straits, I take the ‘Walk of Life’, looking for ‘Money for Nothing’.

A woman was at the hairdressers getting her hair styled for a forthcoming trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who said.."Rome!! What the hell do you wanna go there for? It's noisy, dirty and smelly. You're crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"
"We're flying with Continental Airways" replied the woman.
"Continental!!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. The planes are old, they're always late and the flight attendants are ugly! So where are you staying in Rome?"
"Lovely place beside the river Tiber called the Royal Hotel" said the woman.
"The Royal!" exclaimed the hairdresser...."I know it...everyone thinks it's going to be smart and exclusive but it's a dump...he worst hotel in the city! So what do you plan on doing in Rome"
"We're going to the Vatican and hopefully, we'll see the Pope."
"Some hope" replied the hairdresser "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant up on that balcony. Well good luck on this lousy trip of yours...you're going to need it!"
A month later the woman was back at the hairdresser for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked "So how did the trip go?"
"It was wonderful" said the woman. "Not only were we on one of Continental's newest plane but it was overbooked and they put us in 'first class' at no extra cost. The hotel was great...they'd just finished a $5 million refit and it's claimed to be the best hotel in the whole of Italy. Fortunately for us, they too were overbooked so they put us up in the owners private penthouse suite... at no extra cost."
"Well that's all well and good....but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope"
"Actually, we did!" said the woman. "We were the 1 millionth visitor this year and so we were given the opportunity to meet the Pope in person. We went into the Vatican and sure enough...there was the Pope waiting for us. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"REALLY!!" said the hairdresser "What did he say?"
The woman replied........
He said 'Where the fek did you get that lousy hairdo?

Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not enter."

I got a pair of gloves yesterday, but they’re both ‘lefts’, which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

— Жора, почему у вас всё лицо в шрамах?
— Это от насморка.
— Не может быть!
— Может! Я чихнул около окна…

— Самуил Маркович, вы сильный, вы справитесь!

— Яков, я — умный, я даже не возьмусь…

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,

she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!

Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got

a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the

window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly

discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,

so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in

as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had

been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always

run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your

clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get

dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you

always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope.. just when it's raining.'

Learning how to manage stress is very important. I can't stress that enough!

My mate bet me I couldn't think of a joke about a Flower...
But I Rose to the challenge.

How did the owner of an Apple computer store feel after he was robbed?
He was iRate!

A NAKED BISEXUAL POLAR BEAR WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER IS A BARE BIPOLAR BI POLAR BEAR.

We tried child proofing the house.
But the kids keep getting back in.

Just met a guy in a pub who was claiming to be Harry Potter’s Godfather. I said, ‘are you being Sirius?’ 😉

Q:Why dose a squirrel swim on its back ?
A:To keep his nuts dry.

On my way out my wife turned to me and said "babe what happened? Your food isn't well flavoured today..."
So I said: look I dont have thyme to dill with this.

I wouldn’t say I never exercise. Occasionally, my nose runs.

Asked a scientist, how do you make a hormone?
He told me don't pay her!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

"If you fall, I'll be there."
-Floor

Q:What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
A:They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He asks her, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

My wife says I only have two faults.
I don't listen and something else.

I don't like surprises.
Which is why I never open my electricity bill or my bank statement.

If anyone asks if you liked New Wave, tell them you never cared for wildebeests on surfboards.

Guess where the fish keep their money?
In a river bank..

It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.

I finally caught the person at work who has been stealing my beetroot... caught him red handed.

I told my 4 year old son that shitting your pants was OK but the little bastard still laughed at me for doing it.

Q:Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
A:Because you can only get down from a goose.

Q:What do you call a cow that just gave birth??
A:Decaffeinated.

A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

I've never been much of a whiskey drinker but I'm willing to give it a shot.

I read that you are more likely to be killed by a donkey than by a terrorist attack. So I guess you’d better watch your ass.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago and now I just live in constant fear.

I went to at Michelin style restaurant, was not good, all the food tasted like rubber.

Q:What do you call two turtles fucking??
A:Slow Poke.

The local nudist beach has been shut down.
There's a big sign saying "Sorry, we're Clothed".

Which would you rather be, or a wasp?

The moment I saw her from a distant point, her beauty caught my attention, I immediately got an idea on how to fix that BUG.

Did you ever realize that the word “bed” actually looks like a bed 🛌?

Then there was the woman who was cured of her nervousness in one treatment. The doctor told her it was a sign of old age.

What do u call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

- Жора, если вам станет скучно в маршрутке, похвалите президента, и вам сразу сделают весело.

I changed all my passwords to Kenny. Now I have all Kenny Loggins.

What did John Lennon say to his kids when they wouldn't eat their vegetables?
"Give peas a chance."

As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn... you just have to have a feel for it.

I have lost appetite, I can't believe eat😤

A bloke went straight past the receptionist into the doctors surgery and said "I have swallowed a snooker ball"
The doctor said "get to the end of the cue".

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote corner of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf doesn't recognise Tiger, and greets him in typical Irish fashion.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger, who is familiar with Irish customs, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you, sir!"
Tiger then bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what on the good earth are they fer?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin' hell," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

I just saw this bodybuilder being arrested for shoplifting.

The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars... trust me on this one.

Scientists recorded the sound of two helium atoms laughing.
HeHe.

I've written a song entitled "Masturbation".
I'm going to release it myself.

Apparently, there is a new movie about fishing being produced.
It has a great cast.

Driving home from the funeral, she realized her panties had disappeared. She suspects it was the undertaker.

My keyboard was malfunctioning this morning. There was a spider on it. I think it’s under control now.

My neighbors listen to really good music... whether they like it or not.

What do you call a member of law enforcement who likes to show people his skills on the Guitar?
A share riff.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

Joe submitted his idea for a pencil with erasers on both ends but the manufacturers declined and thought it was pointless.

I watched a pirate copy of Bohemian Rhapsody. I think it was filmed in the cinema.
I saw a little silhouetto of a man.

As a Funeral Director, I’ll either be the last to let you down or give you the smoking hot body you always wanted.

My mind is like my internet browser.
At least 19 open tabs..3 are frozen & I have no idea where the music is coming from.

The first rule of "Condescending Club” is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you.

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".
The guy obeys and says, "99".
The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeating the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the guy says, '99'."
The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three"

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck.